Hi all.
I don't even know where to begin but excess anxiety is destroying me. I can't get rid of the problem and therapy is all over the place and now my psychologist has sent me to the doctor for medication because I am too over whelmed to deal with therapy and nothing was working. Now I am on Zoloft for the anxiety and I was given valium to use to get me through the initial side effects (possible additional anxiety). Well that was 4 weeks ago and I used only a small amount of valium for the first three weeks and two days and not everyday. Now I don't have that support I feel incredibly anxious and of course I am somewhat focussed on my symptoms which would not be helping.
I have responded successfully to TMS treatment before but it was easier then as I will explain.
Back before I knew about TMS I was in an abusive relationship (emotional, c0ntrolling, I was always wrong) and I had extreme back pain. I had help from DV people and left him and surprise, surprise the pain went overnight. At various times since then I have had lower back pain at stressful times including one time when a chiropractor told me I should quit cleaning and I would need ongoing chiro manipulation. Well I saw a physio who suggested exercise which I did for a few months before moving on. Then in 2020 I had ongoing back pain (started 2019) and the physio said I would need to do exercises for the rest of my life due to a bulging disc. I wondered if there was something else and as one exercise was painful I did research and learnt a lot before coming across Dr Sarno and curing my back pain in a fortnight. It moved briefly to my shoulder and I dealt with that. 2021 was very stressful for me jobwise, accommodation and so on and I ended up with digestive issues (including leaky bowel which disgusted me) that were ongoing which I had all checked out and nothing wrong (early 2023) so I thought TMS. I left the job and shifted and I still don't know many people here (lonely). So 2023 I had an on going job problem(worked alone) and changed jobs again and the last job I started a week after my son decided he no longer wanted contact with me for some reasons (favouritism + others) which should have been discussed but I had no choice. Additionally my sister has been triggering me so I have become extremely cautious with her and one day I let down my guard expressed my opinion and she cried, which then set off the first spiral which was followed by my son's no contact. For context, I sometimes think I have always been an adult. I was 13 months old when my sister was born and my parents had 4 children in 4 years. As the oldest I was "a great little helper". I am not angry with my mum or dad as it was difficult for them but perhaps I should be. So my new job was a new position and nobody seemed to know how it was going to work and initially I thought I'm new and that is what the problem is and I asked questions and sought help and nothing improved and I became anxious because I didn't know what I was doing. Additionally I was filling in at my previous job and assisting my other son who had a bucket of problems and no in-law support. So I shoved everything down and powered on and every time I went to the city where my son's live my bowel went to pieces. With the job, my sister, and my son I essentially had "no voice" and I developed a weird combination of excess saliva, dry mouth and excess swallowing (no voice? as in no opportunity to speak (son), watching what I said (sister) and not being really listened to (work). Are my symptoms mirroring my problems?) The bowel problem cleared up! I was offered a work contract for this year but every day was going to work anxious and being anxious there too. I totally lost my confidence and blamed myself for my problems. I opted, despite their pleading with me to not continue working there and suddenly there I was with nothing to do, lonely (Lost Connections Johan Hari) and left with my thoughts and extreme anxiety. Interestingly the anxiety is extreme in the morning and tapers off through the day and I am usually fine in the evening and that is when the mouth problem starts although since I started the medication the mouth problem has reduced considerably but the anxiety has not. Now I am pretty sure this is TMS however I am finding it so difficult to do this as the anxiety/depression is hampering me and I have nobody here to support me and well I haven't had an appetite for years and now I can't even force myself to eat. Fortunately I do eat most evenings when I feel better. I have taken on a bit of cleaning work(push through the anxiety/face your fears). I thought I could still clean but now I am anxious I will get that wrong too. I've had enough. I'm tired of talking through my problems with my psychologist and trying CBT, ACT and everything else. I believe TMS is the solution and I need support hence the excessively long rant. I would like to go away from myself but can't.
I don't even know where to begin but excess anxiety is destroying me. I can't get rid of the problem and therapy is all over the place and now my psychologist has sent me to the doctor for medication because I am too over whelmed to deal with therapy and nothing was working. Now I am on Zoloft for the anxiety and I was given valium to use to get me through the initial side effects (possible additional anxiety). Well that was 4 weeks ago and I used only a small amount of valium for the first three weeks and two days and not everyday. Now I don't have that support I feel incredibly anxious and of course I am somewhat focussed on my symptoms which would not be helping.
I have responded successfully to TMS treatment before but it was easier then as I will explain.
Back before I knew about TMS I was in an abusive relationship (emotional, c0ntrolling, I was always wrong) and I had extreme back pain. I had help from DV people and left him and surprise, surprise the pain went overnight. At various times since then I have had lower back pain at stressful times including one time when a chiropractor told me I should quit cleaning and I would need ongoing chiro manipulation. Well I saw a physio who suggested exercise which I did for a few months before moving on. Then in 2020 I had ongoing back pain (started 2019) and the physio said I would need to do exercises for the rest of my life due to a bulging disc. I wondered if there was something else and as one exercise was painful I did research and learnt a lot before coming across Dr Sarno and curing my back pain in a fortnight. It moved briefly to my shoulder and I dealt with that. 2021 was very stressful for me jobwise, accommodation and so on and I ended up with digestive issues (including leaky bowel which disgusted me) that were ongoing which I had all checked out and nothing wrong (early 2023) so I thought TMS. I left the job and shifted and I still don't know many people here (lonely). So 2023 I had an on going job problem(worked alone) and changed jobs again and the last job I started a week after my son decided he no longer wanted contact with me for some reasons (favouritism + others) which should have been discussed but I had no choice. Additionally my sister has been triggering me so I have become extremely cautious with her and one day I let down my guard expressed my opinion and she cried, which then set off the first spiral which was followed by my son's no contact. For context, I sometimes think I have always been an adult. I was 13 months old when my sister was born and my parents had 4 children in 4 years. As the oldest I was "a great little helper". I am not angry with my mum or dad as it was difficult for them but perhaps I should be. So my new job was a new position and nobody seemed to know how it was going to work and initially I thought I'm new and that is what the problem is and I asked questions and sought help and nothing improved and I became anxious because I didn't know what I was doing. Additionally I was filling in at my previous job and assisting my other son who had a bucket of problems and no in-law support. So I shoved everything down and powered on and every time I went to the city where my son's live my bowel went to pieces. With the job, my sister, and my son I essentially had "no voice" and I developed a weird combination of excess saliva, dry mouth and excess swallowing (no voice? as in no opportunity to speak (son), watching what I said (sister) and not being really listened to (work). Are my symptoms mirroring my problems?) The bowel problem cleared up! I was offered a work contract for this year but every day was going to work anxious and being anxious there too. I totally lost my confidence and blamed myself for my problems. I opted, despite their pleading with me to not continue working there and suddenly there I was with nothing to do, lonely (Lost Connections Johan Hari) and left with my thoughts and extreme anxiety. Interestingly the anxiety is extreme in the morning and tapers off through the day and I am usually fine in the evening and that is when the mouth problem starts although since I started the medication the mouth problem has reduced considerably but the anxiety has not. Now I am pretty sure this is TMS however I am finding it so difficult to do this as the anxiety/depression is hampering me and I have nobody here to support me and well I haven't had an appetite for years and now I can't even force myself to eat. Fortunately I do eat most evenings when I feel better. I have taken on a bit of cleaning work(push through the anxiety/face your fears). I thought I could still clean but now I am anxious I will get that wrong too. I've had enough. I'm tired of talking through my problems with my psychologist and trying CBT, ACT and everything else. I believe TMS is the solution and I need support hence the excessively long rant. I would like to go away from myself but can't.
I had just about 0 realization that I'd totally internalized that and it was created HEAPS of rage, because it meant that I had nothing of value to offer. That's all changed now! This work can help in so many ways!