Deciding to stop talking about my pain altogether?

Hi everyone

So its been a year and a half since my throat/voice pain and tension problem came out of nowhere, and life has changed a lot. I am doing much better overall, but I know there is some way to go.

I am just noticing how many times a day I think about my pain and tell others about it (usually as a way of excusing myself from an activity or conversation). If I was to meet someone new and they asked what I do, it would be very hard for me to exclude the pain as in a way it has become a huge part of my daily life, and also stopped me from doing so many other things that there isnt always much to talk about in more chit chatty superficial conversations.

I am going away soon, to spend time living and working at a community where I have already spent a year and a half before. Everyone there is incredibly understanding and supportive, as its a recovery community. But this also means you can end up indulging in expressing your woes, unlike in the 'real world' where often we have to hide them for other peoples sake and due to our own insecurities.

I was considering trying something.... to inform all the people I know well, close friends at the community and relatives back home that I do not want to talk about my pain anymore. I would not be updating them on how I am doing in regards to pain, and they would not ask about if my pain was better or worse. Of course they can ask how I am, but I will not relate it back to pain.

Somewhere deep down I have a feeling this could be the final step in recovery, to just let it go and stop identifying with being a person with a chronic pain problem. I know it's been talked about in manyt of the books, and I especially remember Steve O talking about it.

My fear is that I will end up in many situations that cause me a lot of pain and have no easy way to get the rest I need. Often just a short conversation can leave my throat feeling like its going to close up, and I can take days to recover. If I can just say 'My throats really bad I have to stop talking' then I can go and lie down and rest. I have become very good at doing that now!! I was thinking if I decide to stop talking about it altogether, maybe I could just say 'I'm not feeling so great and need some rest', although I wonder if just doing this is basically the same thing to my subconscious!! Almost like a code word for throat pain....still it might be better

What do people think? Has anyone tried this? In a way it seems simple, but also incredibly difficult, and it feels to me like getting rid of a huge safety net, which ultimately might be a good thing

Love to hear peoples thoughts
Thanks

 

In my opinion I believe that this is a good goal, not talking about our pain. Others may see asking you 'how you are' (vis a vis your pain) as a sign of caring. I too have decided to not discuss my aches and pains. When someone asks I USUALLY say, thanks, I'm doing better. If there is more inquiry I will sometimes say I prefer to not talk about my pain, and depending upon the individual, I may say that talking about this is my minds way of reinforcing this pain
(syndrome, etc). I think asking them not to say something is ok, but you will still have to be patient in training them, by having some sort of refrain for when
they do ask, usually out of caring or kindness, to suggest to them that this is not helpful.
Lainey

 

I think not talking about our pain or other TMS symptoms is an important part of TMS recovery. I think you just say the absolute minimum you can to avoid offending people socially when you aren't able to keep talking. Something like "I'm having a little problem with my voice today, so I can't talk very long, so will be listening more than talking." Make as little of it as possible. Enjoy your interactions as much as possible. It helps me to focus on the other people instead of myself in social situations. People always enjoy being truly listened to by an attentive person.

 

robodelfy, if you have not seen this by Dr. David Hanscom, it will reinforce that you are on the right track: backincontrol.com/not-sharing-pain-omega/

 

Thanks for the replies and support

It's interesting to notice how worried I am about the prospect of not being able to explain or excuse myself by saying I am in a lot of pain. I used to love talking and singing and I would talk a lot! Since this thing started things have changed in many ways. I have used it as an excuse to avoid many situations I'd rather not deal with, speaking with family members, having difficult conversation etc. I realise how much of a confusing tangle it has become between what's 'physical' and whats' mental', and of course they are all part of the same thing.

If I act as if I am ok, people won't ask. As with most others on this forum, my pain is invisible, (apart from when my voice gets really rough from tension), and so people have a hard time believing I am suffering. So I am not worried so much about others trying to talk to me about it, Ive spent the last year wishing people would show a bit more interest! But we are all the same, seeing is believing!

I also know that if I choose to do this I will have to leave thus forum for a while, which has a become a daily resource for me. But I know that its important to get back to 'normal', and let go of the crutches.

Thanks Duggit, its good to have the idea re enforced. I do believe we all need to express our worries, and vent a bit, but the constant obsession with pain is not healthy.

Be interested to hear of anyone else who recovered and if they stopped talking about their pain altogether

 

I believe that there are individuals on this website that are not having the pain/TMS issues that they may have had in the beginning. Many of those who have overcome TMS are still posting and supporting others, sharing their stories, maybe not daily. I'm not clear on why you would have to leave this forum. Do you see the forum, and all that it is, as another crutch? You may be right, but then again, it is a caring and interesting community. Offering others support or just staying connected.
Lainey

 

Hi robodelfy,

This i find a very interesting topic !

I think socialy it can be hard and i recently had similar issue. I am too at a point where i wish to speak less about my footpain, but its hard not to!
Couple of months ago i was invited to a Réunion with people of my old school. People who knew me from 25 tears ago when i was mobile and had no pain. When this invitation 'conversation started at a facebookgroup : the location was not sure and maybe we end up meeting in a bar first : which on a saturdaynight here means : standing and not being able to sit on a chair.. this was not an option for me : but : i did not want to start talking about my pain.
Finally after weeks of talking online we went for a dinner: parkingplace on the front so after all i could sit there and there was not a problem. i struggeld with the telling not telling part a lot. I
think at some point its better to let go of the information about the pain. On the other hand there is not always a way around it. Same for you with your voice.
And maybe it has become a habbit to explain and an excuse ' for taking a break. I am not sure : curious what others say in this idea to stop the conversation.

Karina

 

Thanks for the replies.

I think that this forum is a bit of a crutch for me. If I am really honest with myself I come back here hoping to find new information, new tips etc that might be the golden ticket to recovery. Im also well aware its a delusion! But like with many things on the internet its easier to get distracted than to actually do the work that needs doing.

Saying that I get a lot out of this forum, reading peoples stories, feeling understood. I like to keep up to date with the articles on pain etc.

But I think a break along with a break in talking about pain may be a good thing. To stop acting like there is something wrong with me! We'll see

 

I only really started to heal once I left the forum. I was away for a couple of years and returned because I learned a friend here had died. Since then I come and I go but I believe there comes a time when you need to leave this lovely island and set sail for 'the life beyond pain.

Monte Heufle speaks about forums within the day-to-day, moment-by-moment distractions and reinforcements that many TMS'ers overlook. I would suggest a similar thing is playing out in repeatedly referencing your problem. As much as you can, play it down, change the subject, let it go.

If you decide to cut-loose may I suggest you turn off all notifications. The last thing you need is a temptation to return. Think of it as breathing space. You can always come back at any time.

Truth is though, you already know all you need to know. You need simply to actualize it. Most folk spend way too long on this threshold.

On a final note, the contrast you draw between the 'real world' and the recovery community is interesting. I relate to this given the marked differences between most people and the cared-for and carers I know. It's a world within a world. The most powerful remedy is bridge these worlds with your very being, where you become so integrated and emotionally centred that choppy waters feel exciting not fearful. To become a light-bearer is the final stage of healing.

Godspeed my dear.

Plum xxx

 

Hi plum ,

Interesting what you say.
I wonder why it should be a bad thing.
Lets take the worst scenario (for myself ) what if being here is not to get smarter about tms, assuming i know to most of that, if that's possible
What if, : being here is about some need to be heard, a need to find others that are in the same boat or were at some point. Why is that only bad ? Is it holding us back from real life ? Is it loneliness in some form ? (Read a Steve O topic who said that ) If i look at my own situation : i have people around me but really only people who have chronic pain understand it all. So its filling a need i just cannot fill outside here. Is that sad or bad or just reality of painproblems.
You gave me something to think about : at some point cut of the connection and return to life. I have been months here and then months away, on and of and indeed its a reflection of my 'situation'
Now i feel the need to read here and post and before i had months i did not want to. Seeing it as a crutch is new : so one does learn even if not aware of it

Becoming light barrier (love it) isn't that filling a need too ?
Karina

 

I agree with some of the points both Plum and Karina make regarding this subject. I believe all the members on this forum share some commonality in terms of feeling fearful, uncertain, isolated and needing a "crutch".. (though I dislike that term) isn't so terrible. Part of the TMS personality type is placing high pressure on oneself, being self-critical and simply having a hard time letting oneself off the hook.
I personally instinctively know when to take a break with the forums, but at the same time find it comforting to know the support is there when I need it. Too much of ANY internet interaction isn't healthy and distracts from daily living...
Another example is the general idea on here that you can't use any special pillows, or an aspirin or any physical source of therapy. I think that's a bit severe. An occasional aspirin or sleeping with a comfortable pillow isn't going to prevent recovery from TMS..I remember the sweet Lily Rose saying she too still allows herself some physical comforts despite Dr Sarno saying they must all be eliminated.. He was a genius, no doubt, but this does not mean his discoveries don't require additional research and advancement.
I'm no expert, and maybe I'm missing the point here, but so far that's what holds true for me. Everything in moderation.

 

Great discussion. Karinabrown has a point that this forum is possibly "filling a need" and asking "is it loneliness in some form" that keeps us coming back. For me, I have found a couple of personalities that I resonate with and find some joy in our dialogue. I have also read some posts from individuals who do not believe they have TMS or even a pain problem, but they are simply interested in the concept of TMS. And, of course, there are those who have been involved in this site for over 5 years. Do they still suffer pain?
Like Plum, I too will eventually wane from this forum. My pain is much less now and I am not so interested in the whys and hows of TMS at this point. Those have been incorporated within me. The 'friendships' we nurture here are only sustaining on this level and although they are sweet and loving at times, are no real substitute for developing our face to face relationships at our home environment.

Lainey

 

I agree wholeheartedly Lainey... After all, what is wrong with making some wonderful friends along the way? And even if it doesn't eradicate the pain completely, if it reduces fear, creates comfort or a sense of belonging.. Then it is a kind of healing in of itself!... I might add that from a scientific point of view, the reduction of stress hormones from chronic pain are probably reduced by a kind word from another or endorphins increased, whichever way.. It's healthy!
And congrats Lainey on your improvements!!

 

It's ironic.. my lovely friend Karina and I were just discussing this topic....one point I think everyone here has probably felt at some point is this awful feeling of isolation that comes with chronic physical pain. It makes fitting in, even among family members who aren't in pain nearly impossible. You're always worried that you're affecting "normal" people's happiness and dragging them down.. A "spoiler" or a wet blanket.. It's almost inevitable even if you put on a brave face and try to keep up..
That's one thing that can't ocurr on this site.. We're all dealing with some kind of physical limit.. And I don't have to feel guilty discussing it here. My poor painfree boyfriend... I see his unhappiness and frustration due to my condition... It's taken a huge toll on our relationship.. But that's another subject altogether.

 

Plum,
You have been a great light bearer. Your advice to robodelfy was sound, only robodelfy can determine if he is ready to take a break, so to speak, from the support of this forum. His comments indicate to me that he may be ready for a break from this platform. He knows what he needs to know and is wanting to move forward, with his new found wisdom.
Whatever you do, robodelfy, whether it is break from TMS forums for now or to stay along for a continuing ride, you have the support of all here. There is no need to leave if you still find this site offers you continued nurturing and help. It would always be good to hear your thoughts, but if you need to leave for now, this too is okay.
Lainey

 

Hi Karina,

I didn't say it was a bad thing.

I understand all too well the needs and loneliness and balms of friendships forged and the pitfalls of friendships broken by wounded intimacy. As a carer I see all this writ large day in and day out. I see how needs change: sometimes we need solace and silence, sometimes we need to get back on the damn horse with a shove of tough love, sometimes we get saddlesore and need to decamp and sit by the fire warming our toes, and sometimes we just need a hug.

I've been a member here since 2013 and before this place existed I was a member of tmshelp for a long time. During these years I've made many friends, I've learned a lot, I've watched others pass through the many and varied phases of healing and I've seen our understanding of TMS radically transform. It's been quite a ride...but sometimes I have to unbuckle and be offline.


I'm very familiar with SteveO's postings. He also speaks of tmsing. One of the ways many people find of breaking this wheel-spinning is to stop distracting themselves. They accomplish this by applying what they have learned and by being away from forums while they do so. It's actually quite common. As I said Monte Heufle speaks of it. From the top of my head I know @Gigalos does this. It was/is crucial in my recovery. It's a personal thing. I was simply answering @robodelfy's question with advice from the field. In no way was I disparaging the friendships and support found here. Anyone familiar with my posts and story should understand that implicitally.

It's a phase of healing that some people need to make and to bless that choice is all I am doing.

I hope that clarifies things a little more.

 

My dear Plum...
Simply stated, you once told me early on when I first began (albeit timidly) posting on this site... About the "spinning of one's wheels", or TMSing about TMS.. I think this may be the danger of lingering here without any hiatus. Steve O. is a big fan of "get out there and live".. And a different speed is what separates us, the goal is still common. Some of us respond better to slow and gentle (me) others a healthy push of tough love.
Either way, the gifts one receives from sharing this journey with the fabulous people on here are priceless... You're a treasure who has sacrificed so much of your time and personal experience... I told you back in Feb and I'll say it again. You're loved!

 

Sweetheart, I very much like your speed analogy and suspect most people here favour slow and gentle. I certainly do. I see myself as a slow learner (because it has to be experiential for me to actually get it) and a late bloomer, so yeah...slow and gentle wins the race.

I've probably also managed to fall into every bearpit and get enmeshed in every briar along the way. I'm daft like that

The friends we make here are special. They (you) become a part of the healing, a weave in the fabric of the story of the new self. The self that has healed.

Sometimes we need to take a step back to assimilate and consolidate and in so doing we can surprise ourselves by how far we have travelled.

Sending you much love and a slow, gentle hug xxx

 

Hi plum,

The risk of writing on a forum instead of being eye to eye is you are misunderstood (extra in a foreign language) i really meant : i never
thought of that : that talking on this wiki could be a form of keeping the tms going.
And i am really thinkin about that idea for myself. At the same time being appriate about the support and conversation. The light barrier 'thing : i understand as : passing it forward ? : i love that. In fact in my darkest pain hours i once said : if there ever comes a day i am walking painless : it would be great if i could do something usefull to help others. (That was 'the need ' i meant) So everyone who 'made' it and does that is a great inspiration.
Hope i am clearer now !

 

I've long thought it a shame that we are all separated by a screen. I'm sure we'd have amazing conversations and soulful connections were we to meet in person but I am more than happy that we have this imperfect medium to connect.

This link will take you to the Monty Heufle site. There is a free download option. You do need to provide an email address for the link but they have never bothered me after that so no spam worries.

http://www.runningpain.com/important_tms_updates (The TMS Master Practice Program - The New-Sarno TMS Program - Important TMS Updates)

In this audio Monte discusses factors other than emotional repression that may be keeping TMS alive. Food for thought.

And yes, passing forward. Once you start to get better you really want to help others. It's a beautiful thing.

My best to you Karina.