Day 8 Dear Tendency to isolate

[finished one day late]
I'm dreading today's assignment because I feel tired and like I won't be able to really engage. On the other hand I've only skipped one day so far and would like to stay on track. I'd like to thank everyone that's responded so far- knowing that other people are reading has made it easier for me to keep doing this.

Dear Tendency to Isolate,
I never knew how harmful you were to me or even that you were a negative force in my life. Much of the time I spent with you I thought was productive. I thought you were only the time I could truly be myself or figure out how to deal with my problems. Instead you did me wrong- it was during those times of isolation that I made my problems worse. I've learned that despite my intelligence I'm often horrible at figuring out the right solutions to my problems. Talking with others about my problems not only sometimes leads to better answers it's the talking itself which is part of the cure.
I don't want to completely abandon you- I'd like to keep having some creative time but I don't want you to big part of how I approach problems. I also want to make sure that a part of each day is spent having social interactions- and not only with a partner or girlfriend. I want to have a range of social interactions.
I learned to use you because of my relationship with my parents. It was impossible to talk to them so it was natural that I learned to take my own counsel. With my mother if I told her something hurt me she did more of it. If I told her I needed something she never gave it. My father was mostly absent and followed her lead. Luckily I don't have to let my parents be my model for social interactions now.

Are you having success at recognizing the emotions connected to your pain? If you have, how do these emotions make you feel? If not, what do you think is preventing you from doing this?

I'm having some success with recognizing emotions and this has certainly improved in the past year. I feel like I have an infinite but shallow sadness that I carry around all the time. It's a feeling that I had my chance at life and messed it up. It's not a very deep sadness but as I was saying it is with me all the time- at least for the past year. If I look in the mirror I notice that I'm still looking sad.
I'm also becoming more connected with some of my fear. As far as rage is concerned I'm not connected to it at all. I'm sure that the TMS is connected to not feeling more emotions- it's definitely hard to concentrate on both. I also think it's just the long duration that I've had where I've put emotions off.

 

Wow, I could have wrote this myself.

 

Dr. David Clarke wrote " children learn how to control their feelings sometimes so effectively they feel almost nothing." This is me. I don't feel the anger at all. It moves in a nanosecond into my body as pain, anxiety or depression. I don't know if I will ever feel it. My body is an alarm telling me something happened. I will need to journal or beat my bat on the pillow to get out my anger.

 

"I never knew how harmful you were to me or even that you were a negative force in my life. Much of the time I spent with you I thought was productive. I thought you were only the time I could truly be myself or figure out how to deal with my problems. Instead you did me wrong- it was during those times of isolation that I made my problems worse. I've learned that despite my intelligence I'm often horrible at figuring out the right solutions to my problems. Talking with others about my problems not only sometimes leads to better answers it's the talking itself which is part of the cure."
that speaks to me!!!

But looking deeper I now realize that I learned this behavior from my mum. She never listen to me, all emotions were hidden under the carpet of the Nice Lady Syndrome. She was never there for me as a mature guiding star to allow to vent my emotions and see my problems from an adult mature point of view!!!

She was a child in an adults body and I copied that!! My goal is now to build a resource of wise, mature friends with which to laugh, cry, pray, complain and look at my problems from a meta position. To be strong in community, rather than a lone ranger!!

TMS is the disease of the Lone Ranger