Day 29 Dear anger

[Endless luke]

Dear anger,
Where are you? I only get to experience you when I talk to a family member about my mother. Getting in touch with you is supposed to be good for me but I know those conversations aren't.

The last one was a little over a week ago when my father was once again pushing me to have a connection with her. He was talking about how tough it was for her and I agreed that it was tough for her but that I have a very difficult life too and I can't take on her problems. He couldn't see how distressing this call was for me- or if he could see it he didn't stop pushing.

It's not like after I expressed how frustrating this was for me that I felt any physical relief or more in my body. I felt frustrated and misunderstood. Perhaps I didn't truly get in touch with you- and just frustration?

There are times when I want to shout out, "stay away from me" to her and maybe even to my father. It sounds dramatic and childish. I had a therapist for a while that had me doing things like drawing (physical) boundaries, punching pillows, and saying things like that. I thought it was helpful for a while but like every therapy (physical and mental) that I've done its effects petered out after a while and left me with no tools that I could rely on.

So, I don't know, stay away from me mom. You go your way and I'll go mine.

I felt no relief from writing that- only exhaustion.
______________

Is there anyone in your life you feel wronged by? Write an Unsent Letter to this person, expressing your emotions, and then let the emotions pass away.

Dear Dad,
It would be good if for once in your life you could take a stand against my mother when she's hurting me or if you could recognize when your actions hurt me. You always say that you stick up for me when I'm not there. If that's true why can't you do it when I am there?

 

[Eric "Herbie" Watson]

You wrote from your heart Endless Luke
Your being true to yourself, that's powerful

Your really gaining ground on understanding all you have to do

That last paragraph, Dear Dad-

Your answer lies in that paragraph my friend
You already know about letting go,

Family is the hardest of situations
We grow with them and get hurt by them
Its almost impossible to let go the hurt and pain that's generated

Hopefully in time you can forgive your father for not sticking up for you
I know its painful, I've experienced some very hurtful situations
from my family in the last few months.

When I had the fevers and was so sick that I could barely think
Some wanted to focus more on anger and hurt at a time I really needed their compassion
I had to let go of the thoughts of hurt that they'd ( I ) generated in me just so I could breathe

They wont always understand us Luke, if they ever did.
I thought they knew better than to put more stress on me
but anger and pain was more of their focus when all I needed was their love

The more I just let go and stayed away from them
the better I could breathe, I thought id had all that put behind me
but after I got sick I understood just a little hurt was enough to bring on more
sickness, more hurt, more pain.

I went and rented a bunch of comedies- told my fiancé to not accept any calls from them
and as I laid there and began to laugh, I started to feel better and better.

Some folks don't know how much pain they have laid on us- ( repression)
We have to be the ones to know where safe grounds are.

I walked in the park the other day, just me and my fiancé
I felt new again and I've been getting stronger since
but I had to understand that the love I had for certain family members
would never be fully understood by them.

I let go trying to be the one reaching out to help them.
I have to let them find that help in themselves.
We have big Hearts Endless Luke, some don't see that
and they might never see it, but if we can somehow just let that go

I know its not simple as I said above, but we can learn to let go in time
Just as we have to learn how to punch pillows and all the other stuff we do
We can learn to let go to.