I've recently come to the conclusion that guilt and shame are keeping me in a pretty dark place. I don't know if they are responsible in anyway for my pain but regardless of this I do feel I need to process the guilt and shame I feel. Basically my Mother dies about 4 years ago quite suddenly and as an only child I was the sole benefactor of her house. This was sold for quite a substantial sum and I think my Mum assumed I would be sensible and put money away to secure my families future. Whilst a lot of the money was used pretty wisely to pay off some debts (in hindsight not the correct debts to clear though) and also for house improvements etc I also managed to fritter away an awful lot of the money. I think the issue was basically that was because I was anxious and depressed and in pain and with an amount of money I had never previously had access to then I just spent money in an attempt to numb my physical and emotional pain. A few years on from my mothers death and I'm feeling huge amounts of guilt and shame over how I wasted a lot of this money and how I didn't do the smart thing and put money away for my families future. My mother had an early hard life and worked hard all her life to leave me something and I just feel that I've totally let her down. I feel if she could see what I had done she would be pretty livid and incredibly disappointed in my actions...I don't think she would necessarily want me to live the rest of my days beating myself up over it but I know she would find it hard to forgive me. It has actually recently got to the point when I'm dreaming that my Mother returns somehow, like she hadn't really died, and she asks me for money to put her back on her feet but I have to explain that it has pretty much all gone. I really don't know how to handle this guilt? I know what I've done was wrong, foolhardy and selfish and I don't know if I need to forgive myself so to speak but I do feel that I should be punished in some way...the problem is the guilt and shame I'm feeling doesn't really punish me but it does have an adverse effect on my family as it just makes me incredibly sad, miserable and withdrawn and this obviously radiates into family life. This is tricky for me. I know sometimes people have guilt over things that they actually aren't responsible for but this is obviously a clear cut case of me screwing up. I know I haven't murdered anyone or commited a heinous crime of some sort but do know I let down the most important person in my life and also my family in the long run. I'm just wondering if anyone has had to deal with anything remotely similar and can offer me some advice on how to get past this. My pain started before my Mothers death etc but I'm sure this guilt is probably fanning the TMS flames.