Answer
Hi, thank you for the question.
First of all, I'm sorry for the loss of your father. Losing a parent can be one of the most difficult losses that people can face, and can create a lot of difficult challenges. It certainly seems that you are facing one of them, as your mother's care is now your responsibility.
The situation that you are facing is fertile ground for the development of TMS, which we know you are susceptible to, based on your history of experiencing and subsequently overcoming physical symptoms. There are two big issues that I see here. One is your own capacity to provide care for an elder while caring for yourself, and the second is how the nature of this relationship triggers TMS. They are related, but let's go into each of these.
The first is the most straightforward it's an issue that many adult children face. What to do when an elderly parent requires care? The first impulse very often to roll up your sleeves and get in there yourself to provide what is needed. After all, this is a person who dedicated themselves to raising you and you wouldn't even be here if not for them, so isn't it only right that you step up to the plate now that they need help? While your inner critic may constantly use that kind of logic, becoming the primary and "constant" (your words) caretaker for an elderly parent is actually a slippery slope that can end up being detrimental to both of you. What happens very often is that children of elderly parents will set aside their own needs and self-care in favor of doing what they see as their "duty". The result is fatigue, resentment and eventually burnout. It sounds like you are starting to experience this.
The problem of course is that inner critic that tells you that you if you don't do these things you are basically a bad person, an ungrateful child, and so forth. But we can see that caring for your mother is a burden and is causing you stress! The pressure,anxiety and conflict that results is fueling your TMS. So what can be done?
While I could give you advice on "day-to-day" things to do, this won't really solve the problem. It would be like adding oil to a leaky engine. Yes, it will keep the car going, but until you patch the leak, you'll continue to leak have issues.
What you can do is begin to consider the needs of both yourself and your mother. This means finding compromises. I'm of course not suggesting that you simply pull up stakes and bail out. Far from it. But what it sounds like you need is some help, if only to give you time and space to do what you need to do for yourself and to recharge your batteries. I would recommend looking at your mother's insurance and see what kind of care-taker options are available. Again, this doesn't mean that they will be there all the time, or even the majority. But it is important both for you and for your mother that you give yourself the opportunity to care for yourself.
By doing this, you can take some of the pressure of yourself. The anger and frustration that can be generated by caregiver burnout can further contribute to to TMS sessions. You may find yourself getting angry at your mother and then judging yourself for it, further enmeshing yourself in the cycle of TMS. By giving yourself some time and space, you can help diffuse that mechanism.
Any advice or information provided here does not and is not intended to be and should not be taken to constitute specific professional or psychological advice given to any group or individual. This general advice is provided with the guidance that any person who believes that they may be suffering from any medical, psychological, or mindbody condition should seek professional advice from a qualified, registered/licensed physician and/or psychotherapist who has the opportunity to meet with the patient, take a history, possibly examine the patient, review medical and/or mental health records, and provide specific advice and/or treatment based on their experience diagnosing and treating that condition or range of conditions. No general advice provided here should be taken to replace or in any way contradict advice provided by a qualified, registered/licensed physician and/or psychotherapist who has the opportunity to meet with the patient, take a history, possibly examine the patient, review medical and/or mental health records, and provide specific advice and/or treatment based on their experience diagnosing and treating that condition or range of conditions.
The general advice and information provided in this format is for informational purposes only and cannot serve as a way to screen for, identify, or diagnose depression, anxiety, or other psychological conditions. If you feel you may be suffering from any of these conditions please contact a licensed mental health practitioner for an in-person consultation.
Questions may be edited for brevity and/or readability.
