Days like today...

...suck.

I feel nothing but my symptoms. I feel trapped by them. I just want to lay around my apartment and curl up into a little ball.

I know this is my brain doing this. But my brain is part of me, so I'm doing this to myself. Then I think I must really hate myself that I would do this.

I know I'm supposed to get out of my head and into my body. But my body feels like shit.

I keep remembering a day when I was young - about 22. I had just gotten out of the Army and bought myself a car. It was an old 1970s Beetle with a convertible top. There was this day I was driving around in that car with the top down. It was summer and I had my shirt off. I felt free, my body felt good and I was truly happy in that moment.

When I get the question, "when did you last feel really happy?" that's what I think of - that day driving around in my Beetle. That was a very long time ago. I've been married, had kids and gotten divorced since then. On days like today, I tell myself it's been too long and my body has forgotten how to be happy like that.

 

Oh honey I really feel for you, you sound very down. I've been there I know what it's like. Please don't ever blame yourself for your pain, life happens and you cope the best you can. You're human is all.
I've been divorced too, twice actually. My second husband was emotionally abuse, which started my TMS journey. I thought I'd never be happy again, I was so worn out and disillusioned with life. I'm fine now and happily married to my third husband for 7 years. Life goes on.
There's a buddhist saying, "Joy at last to know that there is no happiness in the world". In other words, the pressure's off, just get on with living, lose all expectation and just experience life as it is.
Keep on trying with your TMS healing it's definitely worth it. Never give up.
Be kind and patient with yourself, you need time to heal from your emotional hurts, give yourself that time.
You will find happiness again.
I'm in your corner. Bless you.

 

Thank you. I did get out of my apartment yesterday. I drove to the beach. It was 85 degrees here yesterday, so the weather was pleasant.

It's so hard to not let the physical pain scare me into my "freeze" mode; to stand up to the pain and say "no, you're not going to ruin another day for me".

 

Hi justmike..
I feel like I've lived the identical day that you have, forcing myself to get up and try to remain engaged in at least some kind of life, when the pain is fighting you back and winning. I've only been on this forum for a few weeks, but found everyone is extremely supportive and caring. It amazes me that people with all kinds of pain syndromes and conditions, some so severe, they were wheelchair bound or bedridden(my absolute greatest fear..) and yet, they found a way out and are living their lives fully active.
I try to keep my faith by telling myself, if they can do this, so can I.. and you can too!!
If you don't mind my asking, what kind of pain are you experiencing? Unless you mentioned it in an earlier post and I didn't catch it...

 

Boy, I could give you a laundry list of symptoms, but my chief complaints are pelvic pain, neck pain and back pain. Over the years, my symptoms have morphed, moved and changed. The neck pain can be scary because there's a choking feeling.

I know it is all tension. I've had too many normal imaging studies and blood tests to believe otherwise.

I began noticing symptoms after my father died suddenly back in 2002. Then they began to get worse as my marriage was coming to an end. When the marriage was finally over in 2010, my symptoms went into overdrive and I began my years long quest going from doctor to doctor. I thought I had cancer, diabetes, broken bones that didn't heal, herpes, etc.

It's funny, I have a medical file full of mostly good news (nothing wrong), but I was certain that the doctors were just missing something.

 

It's 8 degrees and foggy here, so count your blessings

Glad you've found the motivation to face up to your symptoms. Slow and steady gets the job done.