Day three

Progress: I have stopped all my daily back exercises and all exercises for my SI joints/ pubic symphysis. I have sat on a couch, slouched and comfy. The "sciatic" pain was there but I just continued.

Today I went for a walk. Kept telling the pain I wasn't afraid of it and knew I was strong and healthy. I also gave it some cuss words and a good talking too. It hasn't magically disappeared yet but I notice my mood is so much better.

Also unfollowed all disc and SI forums I had joined on Facebook where people talk about their surgeries and failures and never ending pain.

The pain is persisting but is less than a few days ago and there is no explaining that other than it's psychological . I'm just so done with it.

I've also reached out and emailed some of the amazing authors I have read and have been amazed at the responses they've sent me. I realize that even my pelvic injury from giving birth, which has become chronic, is probably TMS. So now I can tell that to go fly a kite as well.

My husband is so supportive and says he'll know I'm on my way when I stop needing to reach out for external verification from experts that this is TMS.

I've written my lists and it does feel so good to write things down. I'm not a huge journal-er. But I see how it gets things out.

My goals for this week are:
1. Go swimming and kick and bend and twist and feel the strength and freedom of movement in the water. Swimming is my favorite thing to do but has "flared" my pain in my legs hours after so I've sadly given it up. (Although it feels good at the time it hurts hours later--which BTW seems completely incompatible with the idea that my disc or back ligaments are causing a problem--wouldn't it hurt at the time?)

2.Pick up my sweet daughter and put her on my hip. I hurt myself doing this and have literally not picked her up and held her on my hip since. I've been lifting her with perfect "form."

3. Journal, think psychological, mindfulness.

4. Stop thinking/googling symptoms and trying to intellectually figure out the reason for my pain.

5. Continue doing this program.

Hang ups: my brain has gladly accepted that my slightly herniated disc is not the cause of this. But it hasn't 100 perfect accepted it's something in my SI joints or inflammation. But I'm getting there.

Thank you for creating a forum and program for those of us where there aren't people readily available to help.

Also:

Past events:

1. A boy a bit older than I was when I was about five played "doctor" with me when I was little and being babysat by his family. I will leave out the details of what happened. But this happened about 3 times. The first time we played doctor he told me he would smash a sweet caterpillar I had found if I didn't play his game. So I complied. And then he smashed my caterpillar anyway. The last time was when he came to my house to be babysat by my mom. We were playing in my room and he again insisted we play "doctor." My mom came in the room and found the situation. She immediately stopped it and took him home. But she gave me a look that said she was disappointed in me. A five year old. I was never in that situation again. But my mom never talked to me about it and I felt like I had done something wrong. She is a wonderful mom, but I feel she has always expected me to be good and perfect and that look of blame she gave me in that moment has stuck with me. I wish she would have held me and talked to me and told me I did nothing wrong.

2. We moved when I was 10 and I was teased a lot that first year and it was hard to make friends.

3. My parents were loving good parents and I wasn't abused and I'm close to them now, but there was a fair amount of yelling in my house growing up. I remember saying that in my house as an adult, I would only yell if it was a safety issue like, "the house is on fire!!!." I would lay in bed and hear them arguing or slamming doors. It calmed down but it lasted for several years.

Current stressors:

1. Two kids. One with a developmental delay. I worry about whether I am doing enough for him and about whether he will be teased. He is the most spectacular little boy with this amazing spirit and I worry about him.

2. Health: this health stuff has me hung up. I really want this to be TMS because I hate worrying about it and having to exercise or stretch not for joy but because otherwise I'll hurt.

3. Career/misc: I am starting a new business with a friend, it's fun but stressful and, frankly, I think being a parent is about all I can do sometimes. My ID is super mad about all the extra responsibilities parenthood brings. And my superego is very strong about what I should be doing as a mom. Indeed, my superego is fed up with my "pain" and weakness and not being able to be the mom I want to be now.

Ok... that's all!

 

So many good things in this post, Karen - two stand out for me:

And he is so right!!!!

Excellent breakthrough. I experienced a real turning point when I was able to access similar disappointments - the times in my early childhood when I didn't receive the protection and nurturing that is the implicit promise that every parent makes.

Keep up the good work!

 

Thank you, Jan!! Your support and responses are so helpful and comforting to me, is SO appreciate it!