Day one of hopefully recovering

[andyk123]

Well I have consitant pain now for 18 months.

Previously i regarded myself as healthy and strong and care free. I then had an injury to my penis which wasnt fun, and this is what started a domino effect of problems.

I was kneed in the groin, and for a few weeks there was swelling and a lot of pain, and i went into absolute over drive in worrying and obsessing if it would heal.

I beleive in hindsight that the original injury healed in around a month, but i began to get pain in my testicles, sensitivity on my penis, sex became painful, my groin ached. none of it made sense as my symptoms got worse and worse. i know believe looking back - that the injury triggered a whole load of worry and paranoia, and also made me lose faith in my body , which led to a whole load of symptoms triggered by tms. i was tested for all sorts - all came back negative. i was diagnosed with prostatitis. i was givin anti biotics, flomax, nothing worked. i lost all faith in my urologist, and he wanted to ultrasound my prostate, at this point i stopped seeing him as i did not believe i had prostatitis.

I would also mention that i developed an anal fissure. a horrible problem to have, and i recently had surgery after a year of having it and hopefully this has cured me of that problem.

my prostatitis symptoms gradually improved, as i began to dismiss the whole notion of prostatitis. then one day, i have terrible knee pain. i blamed it on squating down one time, but this didnt make much sense. for 5 months i could barely walk.

i was thinking to my self, how unlucky am i that as soon as my groin issues begin to feel better, i develop knee problems. my knees slowly improved, and then my hands and elbows started to hurt. i began to fear arthritis and saw a rhumetoligist. she assured me i did not have arthritis. after a lot of googling i then stumbled acorss one of dr sarnos books. i bought it and read it in two days. i would say i was 80 percent convinced i was suffering from this problem, although i still thhought my knee problem was mechanical.

after reading this book, my hands and elbow became pain free in around 2 weeks. just to add that previously, for about a month, i was avoiding texting, typing, anything.

my knees also have improved greatly, although they are still not 100 percent, but 6 months of no walking will have taken its toll. 2 weeks ago, my heel began to really hurt randomly. straight away i thought, ok , tms is now targetting my heel. unfortunately it has not improved, and even though logically i beleive it really unlikely that suddenly i have a heel injury, i would say 10 percent of my mind beleives that i have a heel injury, and i find myself googling heel pain looking for solutions.

so all this has happened over around 18 months.

my current situation is -

i have heel pain
hands and elbows pain free
'prostatisis' symtpoms are 90 percent better
anal fissure is hopefully cured - whilst this may be nothing to do with TMS, i beleive when it was bad it forfilling my bodies need to be in pain, and so i will mention it here


as i mentioned before all this i was care free, strong, never had any significant issues.

i have now become very obsessive over my body and any pain i get. in the past i would spend hours googling symptoms, although i have reduced this massivly. i lost all faith in my bodies ability to heal. when i experienced pain, i expected it to stay permanantly. i became reclusive and stopped seeing friends, stopped excersising, and began to really regress.

i recently joined the gym, and am feeling quite good - although i still worry and do not have full faith in my body. for example my elbow began to hurt yesterday after the gym, i paniced and was straight away icing it. totally disregarding what i thought i beleived about TMS.

i would say i am 80-90 percent convinced in the TMS diagnosis for myself. anyway, i plan on doing the structured program, and day one told me to make a thread. this is the first time i have typed out everything, and it really does seem quite rediculous seeing it all written down.

i would also mention that i work full time whilst studying for a degree. i have to travel weekly for 3 hours to go to uni, and when i was in a lot of pain, this would cause a great deal of anxiety and worry ,and generally make things worse.

that will do for now i guess. hope to hear from others

 

[andyk123]

i forgot to mention that i also have had tailbone pain for over a year now. i was told it was from sitting incorrectly, and believed this as when my testicles hurt i would slouch. i have since started doubting this, as i see a lot of people slouching with out pain. i also read a few people say tailbone pain can be from tms. i have also noticed that some times my tailbone hurts when im lying in bed, and some times it doesnt. its not consistant. i have began to accept that it is a tms symptom in the last week or so, and i am starting to notice improvements.

apologies for how disjointed all this reads, i am not a very good writer!

 

[veronica73]

Hi Andy,

Welcome! Sorry to hear you have been having so much pain. It sounds like you've already been checked out by doctors and they couldn't find anything...that plus the fact that the pain keeps moving around seems like TMS.

I'm glad to hear you are starting the structured program. I never finished it but I found the journaling exercises really helpful. This community is also a great support.

Take care & hope to see you around.

Veronica

 

[yb44]

Welcome to the peer network, Andy.

It is great that you recognise the ridiculousness of your situation. I am not saying that you are ridiculous. This isn't a criticism of you personally. Writing all this stuff down can give you a very different perspective. You can step away from the scene, observe and look for clues, find things that don't add up or make any sense. It sounds like you have already made some progress.

One of our biggest hurdles is doubt. In order to progress you will find that being even 95% sure you suffer from TMS isn't going to cut it in the long term. If you are one who requires medical proof, get all your symptoms checked out by a relevant MD as you did when you suspected arthritis. But be aware the mind will continue to bombard you with messages, i.e. symptoms. The more you get and the more they seem unrelated to each other, the higher the chance these are manifestations of TMS. By the way I too had mysterious heel pain which came out of nowhere, wasn't related to any particular activity I did and suddenly disappeared when I continued to pay it no attention.

Going to the gym is a positive step. Once you begin to counteract the worry, fear and paranoia forcing you to stay put, not text, write or exercise, you send a strong message back to your brain that you are fit, healthy and plan to enjoy your life from here on in.

Beware the perils of Google. If one were to attach electrodes to us to measure our stress levels when we engage in this particular activity, the meter would hit the danger level. I avoid it usually but recently lapsed. I didn't Google something for myself. I was looking up a medication that was prescribed for my dog. My anxiety and guilt levels hit the ceiling when I read about the potential side effects. Fortunately people encouraged me to think more rationally. Both dog and owner are now doing well.

 

[Forest]

Hey Andy,

The first step to recovery is to see a doctor to clear any serious medical condition. It sounds like you have been doing this recently, and there isn't anything major to worry about. From there it is imperative that you accept the diagnosis. As yb44 mention, if you don't fully accept that you have TMS, you will not be able to have long term success.

as i mentioned before all this i was care free, strong, never had any significant issues.

This is a classic view point by a TMSer, and it isn't true. If you didn't have any significant issues or repressed emotions than you wouldn't have developed TMS. It is our failure to recognize that we have stress, anger and rage that lead us to developing TMS symptoms. There are so many things that create unconscious anxiety and rage, however our TMS personality traits refuse to accept these emotions. Therefore, we develop TMS. I bet most people with TMS, would say that they were care free and didn't have any significant issues before their symptoms started as well.

This is part of the reason why people can recover just be understanding that repressed emotions create their symptoms. You do not need to identify and fully resolve any of these issues to recover. Simply allowing them and understanding that you do have anger, rage, and stress will have a huge impact in your recovery.

You have already experienced a lot of improvement which is terrific. It sounds like what is happening to you now is that your TMS is on the run and trying to distract you any way it can. Tell yourself that the gig is up, and you know what your unconscious is doing. I had severe knee pain and hand pain that prevented me from doing all sorts of activities. But when I accepted the diagnosis, and understood that I had these repressed emotions, and then became physically active again, my symptoms faded away. You can fully recover. Believe this, and it will happen.

Forest

 

[andyk123]

just seen your replies.

thank you for the support, it is comforting to see other people who beleive in the diagnosis, and have recovered. Unfortunately i havent moved onto day 2 yet!!! and i am kicking myself for it. i am going away for a week tomorrow, and intend to pursue the program when i return. i have a john sarno book on my kindle that i intend to read a few times just to keep cementing the idea in my head.

thanks again

 

[andyk123]

'Tell yourself that the gig is up, and you know what your unconscious is doing.'

i am really going to try and think that. for the past 18 months ive been viewing myself as 'sick' - but am going to keep telling myself that it is finally over, i have become wise to the problem and will get better. in the last 2 weeks ive started to do more social activities and that alone has really boosted my mindest

 

[veronica73]

Unfortunately i havent moved onto day 2 yet!!! and i am kicking myself for it.

I find myself having these kind of thoughts too...but this is just another example of our TMS personality--even trying to fix TMS perfectly.

Be nice to yourself

 

[andyk123]

onto day 3 now. slow progress i know...been feeling fairly good lately, although the pain still seems to try to come to surface daily, alternating from my knees to my heel to my tailbone. today though my tailbone pain has been quite bad. i seem to have accepted all other symptoms as tms, and there are definate improvements - but i still find myself shuffling about on my chair at work, trying to sit straight to avoid tailbone pain etc, so i know there is still some doubt in my mind. a part of me feels as though my tailbone is actualy damaged, although logicaly i know this cant be the case - its too inconsistant.

anyway

day 3 asks me to do this - When was the last time you exercised or did another physical activity? What was this activity? How did it make you feel physically and emotionally? If it is has been a while since you last exercised, why?

well i have actually been going to the gym 3 times a week which i am happy about and feel great. i still limit myself though, and have not yet ran. i feel afraid to run until i have built muscle on my legs.. again a part of me rejects tms. an example when i was walking with my girlfriend yesterday, after about 10 minutes i said 'better go back incase my knees start hurting' lo and behold 5 minutes later, my knees start hurting.

 

[Beach-Girl]

well i have actually been going to the gym 3 times a week which i am happy about and feel great. i still limit myself though, and have not yet ran. i feel afraid to run until i have built muscle on my legs.. again a part of me rejects tms. an example when i was walking with my girlfriend yesterday, after about 10 minutes i said 'better go back incase my knees start hurting' lo and behold 5 minutes later, my knees start hurting.

Hi Andy:

I have a couple suggestions. One is to try and tap into your anger/repressed emotions. I did this successfully in my car. I would drive the 30 minute drive I have to take once a week and scream at the world or something in my past. It worked. I saw some improvement. But, I thought I'd accepted the diagnosis 100% however the other day my back went into spasms and my first thought was "I wonder what I did to my back?" Well there were a lot of emotional things happening at the time. And I have narrowed the "search" to these. At least I went back to my correct way of thinking.

Developing these habits of thinking psychologically instead of physically will greatly improve your journey. Also being nice to yourself and really do things for you - will help to accept this too.

And I don't believe in the beginning that it's a bad idea to limit your exercise. Don't take that as a setback, but as a way to begin longer walks.Perhaps you could have thought about it differently, like "Don't want to overdo this first time out" because then you won't be so eager to try it again. Dr. Sarno says "when you are ready, return to normal activity." Not "get out there with knee pain and challenge the planet."

As far as kicking yourself about sticking with the program and turning back because of knee pain - you are just starting this journey. It's OK to skip a day or two of the program as well as have a successful walk or workout. You'll get there. I don't think anyone has started their TMS journey and gotten right back into where they were before they became acutely aware of their TMS. This is the answer, but believe me, it takes time.

You're doing great. Keep up the work as you can, yell at that anxiety/anger and you will be a pain free person!

BG

 

[andyk123]

beach-girl, thank you for your response. i did read it at the time, but was on my phone and couldnt reply - i appreciated your advice though.


i am doing day 4 of the program today. so first i will answer the 'question to ponder' and then will ask my own question.

one discouraging thing a doctor has told me, was when he admitted that prostatitis is often a diagnosis given when they dont really know whats going on. i could tell at this point he had given up, and did not expect me to improve. for a while this played on my mind, but i beleive it also led me to disregarding the diagnosis and eventually starting to recover, so its kind of bitter sweet.

the most discouraging thing i have been told though, was that i most likely had a urethral stricture, which would explain my urinary problems. the treatment for this is invasive penis surgery, and there was a 2 month wait for a test to rule out a stricture. this was the worst two months of my life, but fortunately, i did not have a stricture.


my question for you guys is this. how do you know if a pain is an injury or not? i think with most of my symtpoms, on analysis, it has been clear it is tms. for example my heel hurting out of the blue

last week though, i was at the gym, and lifted a weight and got a sudden sharp pain in my shoulder. since then i have an almost constant dull pain there, which becomes sharp when ever i lift some thing. this has kept me from doing weights for a full week now and it still hurts. i do not know if i tweaked a muscle or something..or if this is a manefstation of tms. i am worried to ignore it incase i aggravate and injury.

in terms active tms symptoms - knees are doing great with the odd bit of pain, tailbone has also improved a great deal, and heel pain has all but vanished. occasionaly it will hurt in the morning, i will then remind myself it is tms, and it goes.

i would be interested in hearing thoughts on the shoulder.... if this is tms, how on earth am i meant to know when an injury is actually genuine.

 

[Forest]

First, check out the Q&A with an Expert answer to the question: Is it PPD/TMS or a real structural issue? It will provide you with a terrific starting point. In general a real injury will heal in time (several weeks to a month or two) while TMS will continue to persist. In terms of developing new symptoms, particularly if you have TMS, it is probably TMS just moving around. I remember a quote from Monte Hueftle where he said something like: 99.9% of the time the symptom is due to TMS, in people who have had TMS previously.

Can you still injure yourself? Yes, but you also need to realized that you unconscious will only create symptoms that you believe, initially, to be due to a structural cause. This is because the purpose of the symptom is to distract you. If you are confused about the cause, by all means take a break from lifting weight, but if you don't improve in a week or so it's probably TMS. For more about how to balance working out and TMS pains check out Enrique's success story.