Day one, baby, day one

What would a life without TMS mean to me?


This is an interesting question. First thought was – I would be free to live my life fully, to create, to be happy, to be adventurous like I used to be, to travel… I suddenly realized – my god, even free from TMS, I have so much obligations, so many people expect me to do this or that, I have been awarded a workload that suffocates me.. Then it hit me: nobody put this weight on my shoulders, at least not without my permission. I, and nobody else but I, have chosen to be the omnipresent, omnipotent person, flawless women, girl for everything like we use to say in my country. Am I a control freak? Did I punish myself with this overload for some wrong choices in life? Was (am) I empty or deficit in something when I allowed this mess to fill my cup? Why am I not happy, with or without TMS?

TMS-free life would mean I have to face the causes for me being so available all the time, to everybody, to face the cause of emptiness and fear. If I could find the answers to these questions, this would be a real healing.

While I am writing these lines, there is no burning in my neck. The pain is significantly less than yesterday and it has shifted from left to right arm. My tongue is still tingling, my throat is sore, my hands are cold, cheeks are worm and reddish, I have chills down my back and generally feeling like having a flu.
It is TMS, this too shall pass.

 

Hi, Delphy. You get it. You need to lift the weight from your shoulders. You can't be flawless, perfect, and help everyone all the time.

I like these words of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross:

“It is very important that you only do what you love to do. You may be poor, you may go hungry, you may lose your car, you may have to move into a shabby place to live, but you will totally live. And at the end of your days you will bless your life because you have done what you came here to do. Otherwise, you will do things only for a reason, to please other people, and you will never have lived.”

 

Beatiful words Walt. I wish I knew some of this stuff 20 years ago. Maybe it wasn't the right time then.
I just hope I am not overthinking life and underliving it.