Day four- question about the 'past' list for journaling

[feder]

I find that I remember next to nothing about my childhood years.In my mind these years were run of the mill regular, bordering to quite good. But everything just seems to be fuzzy to me. All of the aggravated, resentful things in my past list are from my early twenties.

I do know that my mother was not the most emotionally regulated person and that I was screamed at a lot. I have one or two memories (still vague) of fear...but that's it. Literally. I was for the most part a spoiled youngest of the family, and other than (maybe?) frequent bad moods my mother really was a pretty good mother most of the time and I was more then adequately cared for. I have no idea why I have zero memories, and I've explored the options of repressed trauma or abuse or something else that would give me reason to black out that whole period. Nothing. I just assumed this was normal, but now that I'm trying to make a list and I only recall about ten episodes from childhood; and none of them particularly negative, I'm wondering if other people also have so much trouble recalling events in their childhood as well.

I know the instinctive answer is 'oh here's proof there must be something awful that her subconscious isn't letter her feel' but I truly don't think there's anything there. Should I just work with the episodes from my early adulthood?

 

[Cactusflower]

What you are looking for are the things that shaped your ability to respond to the stressors and traumas of your early 20's. What in your childhood made you react to them the way you did?
Eg. My mother was a nervous mother, and sometimes kind of depressed. I learned to monitor her and the rest of the families emotions carefully - attempting to keep everyone happy and on an even keel. I learned to people please.
I sometimes got yelled at but not that much - it was a tone of voice that was used and it was threatening. I was given chores at an early age and was expected to be perfect at them, and my mother stood over me and corrected and never praised. Whenever I was "bad" (and it was not bad behavior, this was violating some sort of house rule that was often a mystery to my sister and I) I was sent to my room and separated from the family - being "bad" included showing any emotions of anger, fear, sadness. I learned that if I wasn't "perfect" I was "bad" and people would be "unhappy" with me and that meant they didn't "like" me because they didn't want to be near me.
It's stuff like that you look for, things that led you to create patterns in your life later on.

 

[Baseball65]

I don't think you have to live 'Mommy Dearest' to have TMS... I have heard that if you can't remember your childhood, that means it was pretty good...so in TMS theory, that would just mean the rage hit you later, like you're saying. I have a big blur until My Father died. Before he did, we had money, nannies and lived a charmed life (from pictures)..10 is actually pretty good. I only have a half dozen, but it was a good place to start. We're not writing a book, we're trying to figure out how we got constituted.

TBH, My Mom who raised me, gave me very, very few rules and punishments. I used to look at the upside.. I was Peter Pan! But when postulating TMS reasons, it was also neglect and loneliness. None of us likes to think bad things about people we care about so we tend to 'look at the bright side'? Well, now we're looking for the shady side.
But as @Cactusflower said, it is the formative memories regardless of when they happened..the ones that when you remember them make you uncomfortable. Many of mine are thing s I did to other people. Things I said that I wish I could take back. Embarrassing things.

I still have my first copy of "healing back pain"...the half dozen things are scribbled in the margin...when I have new 'issues' and re-read the book, there is almost always a 'Hey! This all fits now!"

 

[JanAtheCPA]

it is the formative memories regardless of when they happened..the ones that when you remember them make you uncomfortable. Many of mine are thing s I did to other people. Things I said that I wish I could take back. Embarrassing things.

I encountered similar things when I was making my lists, and I also didn't have very many significant memories.

@feder, what you want to watch out for is your brain trying to influence what you do or do not write down when you're doing one of these exercises. I found my brain trying to tell me that certain things weren't important, or were too embarrassing or too shameful or too guilt inducing and besides they probably weren't important anyway... when I realized this was unconsciously going on, I had to make a really supreme effort to write all of the things down anyway. It was really interesting how hard it was, even though absolutely none of those things was earth shattering in any way. There were no repressed memories of abuse, nothing that was even upsetting to my adult self, although there were still a few things that caused embarrassment even to my adult self!

The thing is that our brains, now and all throughout our lives, interpret any kind of sudden stress as dangerous, and they immediately shut down any emotions related to that stress so that we can engage our fight or flight response and remain physically alert and ready for the danger. Which of course in our modern world never materializes! It's weird, I know, but we have to remember that this mechanism evolved for a very different world than we live in today.

To summarize, when you're going any kind of emotional writing, pay attention to how you might be skipping over things because your avoidant TMS brain tries to convince you they aren't important. Just write them down anyway. In fact, the ones you don't want to write down may be the ones you should examine. Even if they seem on their face to be nothing at all, you don't know until you start free writing what might pop to the surface suddenly. The things I found by doing this were quite revealing about my personality and coping quirks, and writing about them was very freeing.

 

[feder]

What you are looking for are the things that shaped your ability to respond to the stressors and traumas of your early 20's. What in your childhood made you react to them the way you did?
Eg. My mother was a nervous mother, and sometimes kind of depressed. I learned to monitor her and the rest of the families emotions carefully - attempting to keep everyone happy and on an even keel. I learned to people please.
I sometimes got yelled at but not that much - it was a tone of voice that was used and it was threatening. I was given chores at an early age and was expected to be perfect at them, and my mother stood over me and corrected and never praised. Whenever I was "bad" (and it was not bad behavior, this was violating some sort of house rule that was often a mystery to my sister and I) I was sent to my room and separated from the family - being "bad" included showing any emotions of anger, fear, sadness. I learned that if I wasn't "perfect" I was "bad" and people would be "unhappy" with me and that meant they didn't "like" me because they didn't want to be near me.
It's stuff like that you look for, things that led you to create patterns in your life later on.

this is an interesting point-- why did I react to the young adulthood the way I did-- thats a really good point. thank you!

 

[feder]

I don't think you have to live 'Mommy Dearest' to have TMS... I have heard that if you can't remember your childhood, that means it was pretty good...so in TMS theory, that would just mean the rage hit you later, like you're saying. I have a big blur until My Father died. Before he did, we had money, nannies and lived a charmed life (from pictures)..10 is actually pretty good. I only have a half dozen, but it was a good place to start. We're not writing a book, we're trying to figure out how we got constituted.

TBH, My Mom who raised me, gave me very, very few rules and punishments. I used to look at the upside.. I was Peter Pan! But when postulating TMS reasons, it was also neglect and loneliness. None of us likes to think bad things about people we care about so we tend to 'look at the bright side'? Well, now we're looking for the shady side.
But as @Cactusflower said, it is the formative memories regardless of when they happened..the ones that when you remember them make you uncomfortable. Many of mine are thing s I did to other people. Things I said that I wish I could take back. Embarrassing things.

I still have my first copy of "healing back pain"...the half dozen things are scribbled in the margin...when I have new 'issues' and re-read the book, there is almost always a 'Hey! This all fits now!"

Hm I do have quite a bit of things I cringe at now remembering along the lines of things I said or did to other people. this is an entire different avenue. I was really thinking along the lines of what people did to me, but I can see how what I did to others may be even more fertile ground. I didn't realize that was a part of it.

 

[Baseball65]

Bill Wilson, AA's founder, was very insightful into the alienation that everybody feels. This is one of my favorite passages:

"...To conclude that others were wrong was as far as most of us ever got. The usual outcome was that people continued to wrong us and we stayed sore (angry)...sometimes it was REMORSE AND THEN WE WERE ANGRY AT OURSELVES..."

I had a mystery hip pain two years ago. I had just come from a long road trip playing baseball and at first I thought I was just sore from sitting in a truck for 12 hours a day...then it didn't go away the next day, and I had the V-8 moment. "This is TMS"
But I wasn't angry? Oh, I didn't get as much playing time as I wanted, and I didn't play as well as I wanted, but that is ALL the time...
Then , after writing and writing and writing....AHA!

One of my team mates is a very successful songwriter. He has written some huge hits and never has to work again if he doesn't want to. He is like 34
At one point in my life, I wanted to be a songwriter too ..I had a little success but couldn't deal with the non-stop rejection ....

On that trip he told me his life story for the first time. Our stories were similar...right up to the point where I QUIT and went back to being a maintenance guy and no longer tried to submit stuff...He kept going and now lives the life I once dreamed of..... I was in a JEALOUS TOWERING RAGE at HIM, the WORLD, GOD and LIFE! I am a useless POS and he gets to play guitar all day and goof off and drive new cars, while I crawl arouund on my hands and knees and work in other peoples homes while I myself can't afford one.

I did not have to go back to childhood...back to age 30 was totally sufficient. Oh, if I was writing a psych eval of why I am such a failure, I suppose I could blame it on the 7 year old who cried and said "stuff doesn't work for me" But as soon as I got in touch with the Painful, shameful remorse??? The symptoms went away.

Shame, Remorse, Embarrassment, Anger...however they come about

I include the stories for context... I often tell people "I read this Book and all my pain went away"... That is being a tad dishonest. I read this book and used it as a catalyst for exploring all of my personal shortcomings and quirks and when I got a teeny hint of what a typical, angry person I am, how much I don't ever feel, and why the pain is there to protect me from it......THEN my pain went away!

 

[feder]

so

Bill Wilson, AA's founder, was very insightful into the alienation that everybody feels. This is one of my favorite passages:

"...To conclude that others were wrong was as far as most of us ever got. The usual outcome was that people continued to wrong us and we stayed sore (angry)...sometimes it was REMORSE AND THEN WE WERE ANGRY AT OURSELVES..."

I had a mystery hip pain two years ago. I had just come from a long road trip playing baseball and at first I thought I was just sore from sitting in a truck for 12 hours a day...then it didn't go away the next day, and I had the V-8 moment. "This is TMS"
But I wasn't angry? Oh, I didn't get as much playing time as I wanted, and I didn't play as well as I wanted, but that is ALL the time...
Then , after writing and writing and writing....AHA!

One of my team mates is a very successful songwriter. He has written some huge hits and never has to work again if he doesn't want to. He is like 34
At one point in my life, I wanted to be a songwriter too ..I had a little success but couldn't deal with the non-stop rejection ....

On that trip he told me his life story for the first time. Our stories were similar...right up to the point where I QUIT and went back to being a maintenance guy and no longer tried to submit stuff...He kept going and now lives the life I once dreamed of..... I was in a JEALOUS TOWERING RAGE at HIM, the WORLD, GOD and LIFE! I am a useless POS and he gets to play guitar all day and goof off and drive new cars, while I crawl arouund on my hands and knees and work in other peoples homes while I myself can't afford one.

I did not have to go back to childhood...back to age 30 was totally sufficient. Oh, if I was writing a psych eval of why I am such a failure, I suppose I could blame it on the 7 year old who cried and said "stuff doesn't work for me" But as soon as I got in touch with the Painful, shameful remorse??? The symptoms went away.

Shame, Remorse, Embarrassment, Anger...however they come about

I include the stories for context... I often tell people "I read this Book and all my pain went away"... That is being a tad dishonest. I read this book and used it as a catalyst for exploring all of my personal shortcomings and quirks and when I got a teeny hint of what a typical, angry person I am, how much I don't ever feel, and why the pain is there to protect me from it......THEN my pain went away!

 

[feder]

so helpful to see that you can mine from your thirties...doesn't have to be long buried childhood stuff...