Day 9

I believe it's Day 9. I'm still doing better mentally than 9 days ago in terms of coping. Pain in a holding pattern.

I've been realizing how much I do not deal with or process feelings. Especially negative ones. I may cry or something but then try to ignore it. Also, I've had anxiety for years. Since I was a teen. Just this extra energy at times. And I've never known what to do with it. And I've never journaled.

Today my pain reared a bit and fear and frustration crept in. I thought of the other posts that said write write write, feel feel feel. So I sat down and wrote anything I was mad about or scared about. Hardly even could finish sentences. And I felt my body relax. It's like I'm a hot air balloon and all those emotions are just pushing against the seams and writing releases some of the tension.

I'm just starting this and I still feel wobbly and scared at times. But that feeling of my body relaxing as I wrote was pretty amazing.

Also, I realize how unkind I am to myself. I blame myself for the pain and for things being harder than what it seems for others. Why can't I be normal, I think. Not very nice. This isn't my fault. I didn't do anything wrong to cause my pain.

Ok, goodnight day 9.