Day 9 & still battling demons

[fraggle]

Well I've reached Day 9 & he program has asked me to write about self-destructive habits, so I guess the big one for me is that I feel like these sorts of programs (or any self-help method) always work for other people but never for me. It's a bit like Lotto, I always feel that everyone else is lucky but it doesn't apply to me. I tried reading success stories for encouragment but they just made me feel worse.
I often get cross with myself that I can't stop thinking about the pain, I can't ignore it. I usually get really hard on myself at the end of the the day when I realise how much of the day I have wasted worrying & stressing about this damned back pain. By then it's too late, and the damage is done. I keep pushing myself to keep getting out there & participating in life (as best I can, which his difficult) but it's hard. I push myself all the time, if I stop then I'm defeated and I don't want to be beaten. I'm stubborn, so I guess that's one good quality.

 

[westb]

Ah @fraggle, I understand I really do. I've had moments like this and left to its own devices my mindset about good things never happening to me is pretty similar to yours. Try not to get cross with yourself, it's natural and human to think about pain, particularly bad pain, when it flares. Distraction sometimes works for me, finding and doing things that give me a little bit of joy. I'm a simple soul so I get satisfaction from tidying up, cleaning the house as much as I can, just feeling that there are some things that I can do that I can be proud of. Being in nature as much as possible. And a good TV programme can help. Small stuff, but I don't discount small stuff since it represents the building blocks towards bigger goals.

You have perseverance and strength of character, which are admirable qualities. And for myself I'm finding that healing is not linear and that it's a long job that is forcing me to dig very deep. I'm definitely not where I want to be but I am going forward on faith at the moment because I simply don't have anywhere else to turn.

 

[Gigi]

Hi fraggle. I'm so sorry that the pain is consuming you. We've all been there.
I totally agree with westb. I often look for little spurts of joy—and train myself to recognize them. That's the tough part. But once you get in the habit of seeing the beauty, the random kindness, or the unexpected pleasure, it becomes easier the next time. It's a habit worth cultivating.
Blessings,
Gigi