Day 9 Self Compassion

[Margot!!]

This morning was ROUGH. I didn't sleep well again, woke with searing pain in my inner thigh 2 hours before I had to get up. I made it to work, so that's a win. As I have shared before, my mother was very critical and as a result my inner critic can be brutal. I have been hard on myself my whole life. I have alot of anxiety and fear around being good enough. I have to do more than everyone else to prove I'm worthy. About 2 mos ago I read the book Boundary boss by Terry Cole. Terry talked about a term she created called High functioning codependent (HFC). Alot of the personality traits of a HFC are the same traits that are common in TMS. This book blindsided me. I have been in therapy off and on since my 20s and I thought I was over codependence (read codependent no more in my 30s and again in my 40s). But this was different. This was about the personality traits I carried and the over developed sense of responsibility I have from childhood. The feeling you are the only one who can impact a situation. People rely on you because of the dynamics YOU set up and it makes you angry, resentful, but you do it anyway. You think you have boundaries, but upon further investigation you find that you don't, you people please instead. Feels like these traits align. I rationalized putting myself aside- the self talk was- "I am stronger than most, so Ill attend to their emotions I am fine." but in reality, I was neglecting myself in favor of loved ones as I had been taught in childhood. Early in my career, I worked with horribly traumatized children in residential treatment which again allowed me to downplay what I lived through and the chaos of that environment allowed me no time to acknowledge my emotions. At every turn, I found a way to minimize my past and ignore my feelings and needs. I continued the patterns I learned in childhood and continued to betray myself. I had no idea I was doing it. The fact is, I have been repressing emotion and ignoring my needs FOR YEARS, maybe decades. It's easy for me to find compassion for the little girl that lives in me, but compassion for the adult me is much harder but Im working on it. I didn't ask for this pain and I don't deserve it. I deserve a pain free life full of activity and fun adventures

 

[Andy Bayliss]

I am very touched by your post. I think the beginning of any deep healing starts with seeing the depth of where we are, revealed, and surprised, as you describe. Take heart that child or adult, these are the conditions we live in and which shape us in our history and moment-to-moment with our personalities. We're built to "survive," and keeping a sense of contact and love around us is probably the most basic need. May more and more understanding and compassion come your way. I really think the breakthrough understanding you share is important for your healing.