joyous_healing
New Member
I used to start this story by saying that my pain started with back pain back in 2015 but the more and more I learn about TMS and its patterns I am realizing that my TMS actually started when I was only just 14 years old. Such a baby
I have always put a lot of pressure on myself. I do feel like my parents(classic story of both never going to college and wanting "better" for their kids so they pushed them to "achieve") put quite a lot of pressure on me to basically be good at everything I did. When i was a child I did not have the same interests as my siblings and yet I was sort of made to do the same activities probably because it was easier for my parents. They wanted me in sports and I could care less about sports. But slowly I gave up a lot of my personal interests ( theater and art mainly) and I was playing 3 different sports a year, getting all A's( was the valedictorian of both my middle and high schools *sigh*), and trying to be perfect perfect perfect all the damn time. WHen I was 14 I was the starting pitcher of the varsity softball team and I put SO MUCH pressure on myself to do well. our team sucked and so I really put the weight of the team on my back. At some point in the season my had started to hurt. Nothing really happened but I wasn't able to grip a softball without this INTENSE pain. but I told no one. eventually my sister(who was on the team) found out and finally, when I dropped the ball as I was trying to pitch she told my coach. And even though I was literally unable to pitch because I couldn't grip the ball (some would say an essential part) I felt like I was a complete failure. The hand pain eventually went away although I've always had some tightness ever since.
My second bought of pain came when I was a junior in high school. I had just started summer break and was done with the hardest year of high school and of course I had put so much pressure on myself (all As of course). randomly before a volleyball game ( day 1 of 5 of a tournament) both of my hip muscles went out! horrible pain I could barely walk. AND I PLAYED ANYWAY BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO LET MY TEAM DOWN. the f***?! I'm pissed just typing it out.
my third major moment early on, I was studying abroad, alone, in a place I knew no one, and i was going through my first depressive dip of my life ( didn't know what was happening at the time though so it was just very scary). I got random back pain when I was running one day.
Ever since I have been struggling with back pain and a slew of other symptoms including hip pain, sciatica, shoulder pain, numbness, tingling, foot pain, rectal pain, the list goes on and on. My latest flare up happened last April and I had completely chucked everything I knew about TMS out of my mind and had been trying to deal with the physical symptoms for 9 months. I did this by being REALLY freaking hard on myself, monitoring my body 24/7, giving up so many activities that I love, making myself do exercises even when I was in horrible pain, crying, crying,crying,. one week ago I remembered TMS suddenly. I have had more hope about my body and life than I can remember having. still in a lot of pain, still scared to death, still angry, still sad, still apprehensive BUT also hopeful. and that truly changes everything.
TLDR; have been having TMS symptoms since I was a teenager, felt hopeless for so long especially in this past year. But today I feel more hopeful that I have in a looooooong time<3
I have always put a lot of pressure on myself. I do feel like my parents(classic story of both never going to college and wanting "better" for their kids so they pushed them to "achieve") put quite a lot of pressure on me to basically be good at everything I did. When i was a child I did not have the same interests as my siblings and yet I was sort of made to do the same activities probably because it was easier for my parents. They wanted me in sports and I could care less about sports. But slowly I gave up a lot of my personal interests ( theater and art mainly) and I was playing 3 different sports a year, getting all A's( was the valedictorian of both my middle and high schools *sigh*), and trying to be perfect perfect perfect all the damn time. WHen I was 14 I was the starting pitcher of the varsity softball team and I put SO MUCH pressure on myself to do well. our team sucked and so I really put the weight of the team on my back. At some point in the season my had started to hurt. Nothing really happened but I wasn't able to grip a softball without this INTENSE pain. but I told no one. eventually my sister(who was on the team) found out and finally, when I dropped the ball as I was trying to pitch she told my coach. And even though I was literally unable to pitch because I couldn't grip the ball (some would say an essential part) I felt like I was a complete failure. The hand pain eventually went away although I've always had some tightness ever since. My second bought of pain came when I was a junior in high school. I had just started summer break and was done with the hardest year of high school and of course I had put so much pressure on myself (all As of course). randomly before a volleyball game ( day 1 of 5 of a tournament) both of my hip muscles went out! horrible pain I could barely walk. AND I PLAYED ANYWAY BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO LET MY TEAM DOWN. the f***?! I'm pissed just typing it out.
my third major moment early on, I was studying abroad, alone, in a place I knew no one, and i was going through my first depressive dip of my life ( didn't know what was happening at the time though so it was just very scary). I got random back pain when I was running one day.
Ever since I have been struggling with back pain and a slew of other symptoms including hip pain, sciatica, shoulder pain, numbness, tingling, foot pain, rectal pain, the list goes on and on. My latest flare up happened last April and I had completely chucked everything I knew about TMS out of my mind and had been trying to deal with the physical symptoms for 9 months. I did this by being REALLY freaking hard on myself, monitoring my body 24/7, giving up so many activities that I love, making myself do exercises even when I was in horrible pain, crying, crying,crying,. one week ago I remembered TMS suddenly. I have had more hope about my body and life than I can remember having. still in a lot of pain, still scared to death, still angry, still sad, still apprehensive BUT also hopeful. and that truly changes everything.
TLDR; have been having TMS symptoms since I was a teenager, felt hopeless for so long especially in this past year. But today I feel more hopeful that I have in a looooooong time<3
