I just finished my first week of the program, and I wanted to share where I'm at.
I've had chronic pain for over a decade, but it was tolerable until my neck started to have issues in late 2024. It mainly started with my lower back, which got a lot worse after an L4-L5 herniation and severe sciatica for a year between 2020-2021. I started to then have upper back and neck pain and just kind of ignored it before it progressed too much. In late July 2025 I ended up having neck surgery on two discs (C5-C7) because I was having 10/10 severe pain that would feel like someone was lighting a match from my neck to my upper back anytime, I tried to sleep. I couldn't work or even tolerate eating much anymore. I was desperate and my anxiety was through the roof. Unfortunately, the surgery didn't change my pain much, and I eventually became suicidal in November 2025. While in the psych ward, they ran every test on me, including multiple MRIs, autoimmune diseases, etc. Nothing explained my level of pain, and they said I was a zebra in the medical community. I've tried everything from nerve blocks to trigger point injections to strong prescription medications, and they gave me no relief at all. Now I've had multiple surgeons post-surgery telling me I should not have had surgery and they can't explain my pain or it's muscular. Right now, my biggest symptoms are severe tightness (coat hanger pain) in my neck, traps, lats, and lower back/hips. I also have this strange nerve-type buzzing in my left neck and traps and intermittent burning in my low back, hips and glutes.
I'm really trying to buy into TMS. I do believe my nervous system is stuck on high alert and my body isn't damaged severely. I keep reminding myself every day I wake up that this is TMS, and don't let the fear control me.
The journaling has been harder than I expected. It brought up things I haven't thought about in years. I broke my arm when I was 9 and it took two years to heal, and I really thought I was going to die as a kid (lol). I had cystic acne as a teenager and hid in my room gaming all day. I spent most of my 20s in a toxic relationship with a lot of generalized anxiety. My two dogs started dying over the last few years due to old age, and my neck pain just really took off after I lost one of them in March of last year. I never really connected any of that before.
The hardest part for me is the fear. I'm always looking for a structural reason, checking my body, and worrying that the surgery messed something up for life or that this will never go away. I'm learning that the checking keeps the fear going. I'm trying to be with the symptoms instead of fighting them or trying to fix them.
Some things that are helping are meditation, diaphragmatic breathing, walking, and getting more consistent with sleep.
It's been 15 months so far post-surgery, and I still have rough days. This weekend I overdid it with chores and I'm sore and achy today, but I'm trying to see it as a sensitive system reacting to a heavy load, not something being wrong. On the positive side, I've been able to wean myself off of antidepressants, go to the lowest dose possible on my opioid. I also returned to work full time this year and have made tremendous progress with my mental health.
My goal in the end is to get back to what I love in life. Outdoor activities, traveling, and some gaming sprinkled in. Also, to have a life that isn't focused on pain 24/7. I know it's going to take so much time, but I'm going to keep putting in the work.
I've had chronic pain for over a decade, but it was tolerable until my neck started to have issues in late 2024. It mainly started with my lower back, which got a lot worse after an L4-L5 herniation and severe sciatica for a year between 2020-2021. I started to then have upper back and neck pain and just kind of ignored it before it progressed too much. In late July 2025 I ended up having neck surgery on two discs (C5-C7) because I was having 10/10 severe pain that would feel like someone was lighting a match from my neck to my upper back anytime, I tried to sleep. I couldn't work or even tolerate eating much anymore. I was desperate and my anxiety was through the roof. Unfortunately, the surgery didn't change my pain much, and I eventually became suicidal in November 2025. While in the psych ward, they ran every test on me, including multiple MRIs, autoimmune diseases, etc. Nothing explained my level of pain, and they said I was a zebra in the medical community. I've tried everything from nerve blocks to trigger point injections to strong prescription medications, and they gave me no relief at all. Now I've had multiple surgeons post-surgery telling me I should not have had surgery and they can't explain my pain or it's muscular. Right now, my biggest symptoms are severe tightness (coat hanger pain) in my neck, traps, lats, and lower back/hips. I also have this strange nerve-type buzzing in my left neck and traps and intermittent burning in my low back, hips and glutes.
I'm really trying to buy into TMS. I do believe my nervous system is stuck on high alert and my body isn't damaged severely. I keep reminding myself every day I wake up that this is TMS, and don't let the fear control me.
The journaling has been harder than I expected. It brought up things I haven't thought about in years. I broke my arm when I was 9 and it took two years to heal, and I really thought I was going to die as a kid (lol). I had cystic acne as a teenager and hid in my room gaming all day. I spent most of my 20s in a toxic relationship with a lot of generalized anxiety. My two dogs started dying over the last few years due to old age, and my neck pain just really took off after I lost one of them in March of last year. I never really connected any of that before.
The hardest part for me is the fear. I'm always looking for a structural reason, checking my body, and worrying that the surgery messed something up for life or that this will never go away. I'm learning that the checking keeps the fear going. I'm trying to be with the symptoms instead of fighting them or trying to fix them.
Some things that are helping are meditation, diaphragmatic breathing, walking, and getting more consistent with sleep.
It's been 15 months so far post-surgery, and I still have rough days. This weekend I overdid it with chores and I'm sore and achy today, but I'm trying to see it as a sensitive system reacting to a heavy load, not something being wrong. On the positive side, I've been able to wean myself off of antidepressants, go to the lowest dose possible on my opioid. I also returned to work full time this year and have made tremendous progress with my mental health.
My goal in the end is to get back to what I love in life. Outdoor activities, traveling, and some gaming sprinkled in. Also, to have a life that isn't focused on pain 24/7. I know it's going to take so much time, but I'm going to keep putting in the work.