bluealchemy
Peer Supporter
I'm glad for a check in today because I woke up with a slight faltering in my hope. I still logically reinforce "I KNOW it's TMS, relax" every time I begin to get wound up on the physical aspect of it.. The skeptical thought sound like "I haven't improved yet, if it's in my head why does exercise make it so much worse, what if I am the exception to this treatment"
Those thoughts make me feel angry - they make me feel angry at Dr.Sornos, this thread (no offense) - because I'm like "here are all these people telling my it's psychological but what IF IT ISN'T! I will be so misled and angry".
I really don't linger on those thoughts for long though. I'm not actually angry at you guys haha. And I do believe this is TMS.
I went to a really hardcore fitness class yesterday. These yoga sculpt classes are like psycho cardio, strength training, and yoga all in one. I love it. I want nothing more than to be able to go to those things on the regular again.
After class - my back pain was through the roof and it feels pretty weird today too.
The idea of "symptom imperative" feels like such a test of faith. I'm going to stay faithful. But there is no denying that strength training and excersies amplifies my pain in the short term.
If I power through this pain in the short term, is that in service of long term healing? Time will tell. I get it's a threshold thing.
It seems like figuring out how to "ease back into activity" is very gradual and trial and error for everyone. I want to go back 100% while simultaneously wondering if that specific work out may need to wait until I'm further along in my recovery thoughts?
Anyways.. Other updates from week 1...
I have been taking mushroom microdoses as often as I can. I find it helps me to really get into my feelings. I have a clear list of things I am angry about, and traumatic events that I still need to unpack.
We get used to our thoughts and personalities like a worn in pair of shoes. We think things over and over until they feel real. Suddenly what was once a repeated thought, with reinforcement, becomes something that feels so real, so dense, so unmovable. But even then, it's still just a bundle of beliefs compacted so tightly that it FEELS real.
Moment to moment, I make sure I never push rage away. I feel some anger at some of these things, but haven't honestly actually fully felt rage this week. It feels performative. Like - I know I'm supposed to be angry, and I try and force myself to be angry, but that doesn't feel authentic. I'm just opening gently and allowing myself to feel whatever is there. No force. Just lots of permission.
I find that one of the most common unfelt emotion for me is a deep reservoir of toxic shame. My "goodist" personality type is kind of a masking technique I've developed, to hide that.
I did a meditation this week where you are to sit in a room in your head, the room is your safe space. And you invite in this big, bloody, black bear. The black bear is all your defense mechanisms, all of your challenges, all of your self destructive patterns. You sit with the black bear and don't try to change it. Underneath the bear, you realize - this big gnarly bear is actually trying to protect your inner child. You invite the inner child out and you sit with them. You ask them what they need. You tell them that they are safe now.
Those thoughts make me feel angry - they make me feel angry at Dr.Sornos, this thread (no offense) - because I'm like "here are all these people telling my it's psychological but what IF IT ISN'T! I will be so misled and angry".
I really don't linger on those thoughts for long though. I'm not actually angry at you guys haha. And I do believe this is TMS.
I went to a really hardcore fitness class yesterday. These yoga sculpt classes are like psycho cardio, strength training, and yoga all in one. I love it. I want nothing more than to be able to go to those things on the regular again.
After class - my back pain was through the roof and it feels pretty weird today too.
The idea of "symptom imperative" feels like such a test of faith. I'm going to stay faithful. But there is no denying that strength training and excersies amplifies my pain in the short term.
If I power through this pain in the short term, is that in service of long term healing? Time will tell. I get it's a threshold thing.
It seems like figuring out how to "ease back into activity" is very gradual and trial and error for everyone. I want to go back 100% while simultaneously wondering if that specific work out may need to wait until I'm further along in my recovery thoughts?
Anyways.. Other updates from week 1...
I have been taking mushroom microdoses as often as I can. I find it helps me to really get into my feelings. I have a clear list of things I am angry about, and traumatic events that I still need to unpack.
We get used to our thoughts and personalities like a worn in pair of shoes. We think things over and over until they feel real. Suddenly what was once a repeated thought, with reinforcement, becomes something that feels so real, so dense, so unmovable. But even then, it's still just a bundle of beliefs compacted so tightly that it FEELS real.
Moment to moment, I make sure I never push rage away. I feel some anger at some of these things, but haven't honestly actually fully felt rage this week. It feels performative. Like - I know I'm supposed to be angry, and I try and force myself to be angry, but that doesn't feel authentic. I'm just opening gently and allowing myself to feel whatever is there. No force. Just lots of permission.
I find that one of the most common unfelt emotion for me is a deep reservoir of toxic shame. My "goodist" personality type is kind of a masking technique I've developed, to hide that.
I did a meditation this week where you are to sit in a room in your head, the room is your safe space. And you invite in this big, bloody, black bear. The black bear is all your defense mechanisms, all of your challenges, all of your self destructive patterns. You sit with the black bear and don't try to change it. Underneath the bear, you realize - this big gnarly bear is actually trying to protect your inner child. You invite the inner child out and you sit with them. You ask them what they need. You tell them that they are safe now.
