day 7

Today i made a letter wich i will never send (and can't anymore) to my father

he died in 2005 after a terrible battle on stomach cancer
the letter was about my fear around that periode and grieve of him dying
but also about the fact that he had health problems all of his life before that
and i now think that has probably suffered from tms his whole life
i feel kinda quilty thinking that..strange thing because even when
i never heard of tms i thought many times he was suffering from mind/body symtomps

in my youth i heard many times : you are so much like him !
that's scares me a lot, (because of his healt issues, i feared that )
he was a great and loving man, and a caring father and husband : love him for that
but he was a worried man too , with depressed periods in his life
mostly because of his healt issues and therefore lost his job and became depressed about that
a long story but mostly : his life was a struggle for the most part sadly too
now on my own pain journey ( by the way: not have the same healtproblems!)
i wonder : is tms in my DNA? and what if it does, is it too much to think i can be better of than him?
! he never had a cure for his problems : and he did search for answers and solutions
now scared my road will be the same.
interesting also that the SEP programme brings this to the surface
fear of being or becoming my dad..

 

Hi karinabrown,

Thank you for sharing this experience, about your father, and your reaction in this time, to how you perceive him.

I would suggest, respectfully that there is no reason to fear that you will be stuck in TMS the way you believe he was. This is simply a fear and should be observed as such. A fear about your progress. Fears about progress are common.

http://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/understanding-and-overcoming-fear.8574/

At the same time, I think it is good to see this fear, and be conscious of it. Try to observe the fear, have compassion for yourself in this fear, and not believe the fear! This also sounds like a way that you can have more understanding and compassion for your father, a clearer picture of his experience. But this need not "suck you in."

You are a different person, educating yourself about TMS, and using a program to eliviate TMS. You father, apparently had neither of these two important experiences. You can deal with your life, and your problems. You are not your father.

Andy B

 

Dear Andy,

thank you! maybe i needed to hear that
it gives me some quiltyfeelings too: not wanting to be 'like him' while ate the same time loved him.
will start to read the feararticle you gave me!
thanks!!

 

Yes, Karina, this is an excellent thing to see, straight up. You have a loving attachment to your father. You're observing how your love and probably your need for approval (though this may not be apparent) keep you "identified with your father." This is natural, and you don't want to lose this closeness. To want to stay in a state of love and closeness is natural.

It is also true that you can love him and be your own person. This possibility, to be you and love him is coming to the foreground now for you, therefore the conflicts (guilt about being your own person) around this are also showing up. Being your own person will never ruin your love. It may challenge your childhood ideas of love, is all.

You are doing brilliant inquiry!

 

Hi Andy,

thanks for that positive reaction. I don't feel it as "brilliant " sadly
what you are saying is to the point
Today thought about it some more, and realized also
that i thougt : "how childish to dwell on this .. this year you turn 50 and your father is dead for 11 years"
this identifiying yourself with him is getting tired" etc et c
i know i am my own person so this worrying about being like him is not a positive thing and
the fear of "failing" at being healthy (like him?) is perhaps holding me back to move forward.
while typing this i am also shocked seeing myself using the word "failing" and i amost removed it
but then i understood this came from my mind so must be real feeling.
but also again feel shame to say that. Now i also understand this digging in these things is giving me stress
because not all of it is pretty

I don't know how much of a role this all is playing in my pain . When i picked a subject to write the first time (you know when you make a list
of events from childhood and the past etc) this was not my first choice. I think i presume
that the subject you picked the first, maybe is the biggest issue in terms of pain
and this was not the one. Or maybe : i think to much and what i pick first or don't is not
that important.

Karina

 

Hi Karina,

Your fears about TMS and not getting better are a good thing to examine and work with, I think. If possible, see them as "childish" but have empathy for yourself in this fear. The skillful approach is to feel, have contact with yourself in your fear, and not believe the fear. This takes practice.

Fear of failure is real for you. See it, touch it, feel it, love yourself for it, and redirect your mind when it comes up. There is neither a need to push the fear away, or let it take you. That is the skillful way. Try to develop the "correct distance" to your feelings. This will feel loving to yourself, and not overwhelming. And, again, it takes practice.

Andy B