day 6. what to do

dear forum friends
does anyone have an idea about some good reads on what to do if a close person is loosing her mind...
the person is my own mother who is abusing me. she refuses any help and thinks everyone else is insane and treating her unfairly.
of course no coincidence I am visiting right in the middle of my journey here...
thank you so much

 

Hi OB, and welcome to the forum - I'm so glad you found us.

I am so sorry about your mother. I could even say your "so-called" mother, because it's not just this visit, and it's not just recently, is it? Those of us who had reasonably normal parents can't even begin to comprehend the hell of growing up with a mentally ill one.

But you are going to escape your past, I just know it. How insightful you are to find the irony in having to visit her while you are working on your TMS journey! And you are reaching out to help others, which is awesome. I really liked something you just posted a little while ago, which I also thought was very insightful for someone else.

The best advice I can give you is to not take your mother's behavior personally. It is her behavior, it is her mental illness, and it has nothing to do with you.

The healthiest thing you can do for yourself is to accept and acknowledge the rage that your inner child must feel at how unfair it is that she is incapable of being a proper mother to you - that she has NEVER been a proper mother to you! You absolutely SHOULD have a huge amount of rage about the fact that by having you, she was supposed to make a lifelong commitment, to love you, and to nurture you, and to protect you from all harm. Not only did she not do any of those things, but she caused you harm, which is NOT ACCEPTABLE.

You don't have to say any of this out loud to her (it wouldn't do any good in any case) but it would be powerful to put it down in writing.

You certainly don't have to hate her, because she's clearly mentally ill. She may herself have been abused as a child, causing irreparable damage.

You can forgive her, but you do not have to forgive her behavior, because her behavior is not acceptable.

Above all, you can love yourself, for finding a different path and choosing to make this journey, and for joining and participating in this supportive community.

And please, know this in your heart: you deserve to heal!

~Jan

 

thank you so much for all your support and your kind words...

yes you are right: it is not only this visit, it's just been getting worse and worse and worse. my mom did a lot for me in terms of pure financial survival (the conditions were such at that time) and my education, enabling me to start my own professional life. but emotionally it's been hell ever since I remember myself.

my mother was abused physically and emotionally by her own mother (who was a concentration camp survivor) literally till the day she died. so it is a long cycle...
I myself will never have children (never wanted) and can be sure it will stop now at least...

warm regards and very best wishes

 

I believe that this is a common response to an abusive childhood - and much easier to achieve thanks to modern medicine, and also much more acceptable in today's society than it used to be. I just hope you are not using this decision as a punishment - either of yourself or of your mother. I'm so sad for you, and your mother, and for her mother - and who knows how far it goes back?

That being said, although I had a very supportive and really quite loving childhood, I still came into adulthood with deep questions about the meaning and purpose of our human awareness and our ultimate isolation and mortality. By the time I was twenty (1971) I was sure that I didn't want to inflict these doubts on another human being. My mother always supported that decision (my father died in my early adulthood) and I eventually married a man who felt the same (and who got a vasectomy). We fostered teenagers for a number of years, which was my way of contributing without breeding. I am 66 now, and I have never for a single second regretted my decision - and considering the intractable humanitarian and environmental crises of the world, I am even more convinced that it was the right one.

Anyway, that's not the only way you are breaking the cycle, because you are here, and you have committed to self-awareness and to love and caring. Keep up the good work!

~Jan

 

dear Jan

thanks again for your support - I will follow your advice to put things in writing, today's journaling fits perfectly)

just wanted to answer that I do not think my decision of not having children is in any way a punishment (as far as my conscious mind is concerned). for me it always (since the early childhood) was a question of not wanting to take such enormous responsibility for any other human being and also upon imagining being pregnant purely physical reaction of not wanting to experience anything like that...

I am pretty sure like you I will never regret that decision.

warm regards