Hi guys, So my program has been keeping me so busy, I think my inner child might be in a rage. I have so much work to do daily, I have no time to do my TMS work, and yesterday tried journalling but was falling asleep. Even now I'm half asleep trying to type and have to be up in four hours (but I'll miss the first class) for more classes. It makes me upset and angry that I can't do this right now. Overall pain is 10% better. Two observations. One. Sometimes I find myself clenching my fists, or holding on tightly to my seat or just tensing up my shoulders. It happens a lot. I just find my body sort of frozen then I relax it and a couple minutes later it does it again. Two. Today I discovered the benefits my pain has given me and a conscious reluctance to give up those benefits. When I was thinking about how in two months I will probably be all healed up, and so what would I do with the rest of my life I thought, ;oh crap, if the pain goes away, I might actually have to follow my career paths and goals and won't have the pain as an excuse anymore for why I wasn't able to do it. A major fear of mine for example has been moving to New York and trying to make it as an actress. They often pick up jobs as waitresses or like at stores, so I have been so worried about not being able to do that kind of labour it stresses me out. But now that I think about the pain going away I'm still like, oh no, so I'll actually have to move to new york and try the artist thing? Or, oh no.. So I'm going to be an actress? Yesterday, during a lab session thing where we sow each other some scenes we've worked on, everyone knows that I need a chair to sit on and so if there's anyone standing they usually offer me a seat because cookie is in pain. I rememember walking in yesterday thinking, oh no, if I don't have pain anymore I'd have to stand through shows. If I don't have pain anymore I would actually have to go to all my classes. If I don't have pain anymore, I would have to carry my own things and I wouldn't get any more sympathy for my issues. That's terifying! For some reason that's terrifying. Is that weird of me to think that way? Also, the mornings have my shoulders all tensed up the moment I wake. I think sometimes that even my dreams are stressful and anxious. I believe i have tms now 87%. My brain still wants to do my phsio-therapy exercises, and to be honest, I think I'm conflicted about whether to stop pt or not. Then againn it gives the excuse of leaving campus. Would love to hear your thoughts..