Day 6 support-anxiety

Let me begin by saying I'm not new to TMS recovery, but I've had a relapse and know for a fact that I suffer from TMS. I am posting as suggested by Day 6 of the Structured Recovery Program in regards to needing support due to having reservations about a TMS diagnoses. My family and I are moving out of state next Tuesday (it has been a 5 month process with my husband flying back to visit once a month and me manning the home, three kids, 5 pets, packing etc), and I have been in a ton of TMS pain due to the anxiety of leaving all I have ever known- especially my mom, friends, and extended family. And since having started the recovery program again, many other issues have surfaced for me to look at, such as my need to please everyone during all of this (I try to please everyone all the time anyway but it's worse now that we are all filled with mixed emotions and so much that needs to be done). I've been having pain more often than not, even before knowing about this new life change (which has followed one year after the death of my dad, due to ALS- and then my grandfather in Jan.), due to having fallen off the TMS recovery wagon a while ago. My middle name is anxiety and a huge part of my pain comes from anxiety. Anyway, I tend to use my chiropractor as my crutch. And while I'm glad to be back to recovery again, because I know that no one can heal me except for myself, and that I don't actually need my chiropractor (which is very freeing, especially since I am moving and won't be able to use him for a crutch anymore), there is that little voice in the back of my head saying, "What if you can't recover from TMS? You will be screwed because you won't even have your chiropractor to fall back on?" So that is what is bothering me a lot- but I keep it shoved in the back of my mind- which isn't helping. I think talking about it and posting here will be much more helpful that stuffing it Also, I have no intention of finding a new chiropractor when I move- for one, it's hard to find someone that has the amazing skills- beyond what most chiro's get trained in- that he has- and for another, I don't want to go back to relying on someone else to heal me (which doesn't work anyway because as much as I love what my chiro does, my pain always comes back within a day or so- due to my own anxiety and internalized emotions). Anyway, to be completely, completely honest, I am freaking out and feeling like throwing up. I am actually not having anxiety about my current pain, as I know what it is from, but my fear is that once we get moved and settled, I will start having anxiety about the pain again- which then makes the pain a thousand time worse (of course). The only TMS professional I can find in Texas, anywhere close to where I will be living (in Austin), is a therapist in Killeen(sp?) which is about an hour away. If I can find no one closer, I'd be willing to make the drive periodically, but if anyone hears of a TMS specialist (preferably an MD), please pass the info. my way- and of course add it to the list. On a side note, I never thought I was an emotion stuffer because I've always worn my heart on my sleeve and I am very verbal about how I'm feeling at any given time. I have no problem crying- which I do often (and find it very cleansing), but now that I am really taking a look at my goodism and perfectionism, I realize that I stuff way more than I ever thought. I seem to really stuff my anger about feeling like I have to be good and perfect. And I seem to feel a lot of anger towards those whom I try to please (family would be number one- gasp, I just admitted it. The people I love the most, are those I seem to resent the most). Well that admission felt good and bad (the goodist feels awful about it).
Anyway, thank you and blessing to all
Megan

 

Shabda, I completely understand about anxiety making the pain and situation worse. I realize that you want an MD, but maybe you could find a therapist who does Skype or phone sessions.

It sounds like you are going through an awful lot. Good luck to you on your journey!

 

I moved cross country and back 8 times in 11 years and it was one of the things that added to my allostaatic load and got me here. Moving is huge stress and leaving family more so. Time to step up the skilled realaxation and self care.