Day 6- Fears and thoughts on meditation

I have plenty of fears relating to my chronic pain and some doubts as to how useful this mind body technique is. I get easily frustrated when I sense pain coming back. Though since I read Dr. Sarno's book and have been working on these exercises I have been able to tolerate computer work better than normal, I still feel tingling in my hands and wrists. I have a very conditioned reaction to stop my work and rest, and it's really hard for me to return to it and push on because I do fear the pain.

I am trying the technique of acknowledging and not fearing the pain as it comes up, but I find that very challenging. If anyone has advice on how to better handle when I first sense the pain in my hands as I work, I am eager to continue working. That may also be part of my cycle. I left a full time job because of my chronic pain, and have no returned to full time work since then. I very much defined myself and my success by my work, and leaving that behind was really difficult. I have slowly been getting back into work involving computers, but at my own pace, mostly part time and freelance. I have a lot of fears surrounding returning to work, being able to support myself financially, falling back into old cycles of stress, and dealing with pain again.

On another note- some thoughts on meditation. I think meditation can be a very powerful tool for shifting from fight or flight to a more restful and calm state. However, I have had a very negative experience with meditation because I did not have proper support for dealing with pain and emotions that arose because of it. Last year, shortly after I recovered from surgery, I decided to go on a week long silent meditation retreat. Yoga and meditation were tools that helped me deal with my pain, so I thought a retreat would be a good experience. During the long meditation sessions, I had such a hard time because the most overpowering sensation of pain kept arising in my body. The instructors told me sometimes meditation is uncomfortable, and I should notice it and try to sit with it and see if it passed. The more I sat with it, the more intense it grew, bringing with it a lot of resentment, Sadness, and fear. I almost left the retreat early because it was so difficult to face these things, and I did not feel supported by the staff. Eventually I stopped going to the meditation sessions because it just didn't feel right. Looking back, I do think it helped clear some of the things I was suppressing, but I did not feel safe in the environment, and wouldn't approach it in that way again.

 

Hi sberky,

Meditation in my experience brings heightened awareness. This is great because we can see our mind chatter, feel our emotions, and so on. But in a sense you are moving toward difficulties when you meditate. This is not easy. I understand why there is fear about this, particularly with your last experience. Sometimes meditation guides push us in ways that are not helpful. Sometimes we push ourselves in a similar way.

If you re-engage meditation, I hope you try it in small amounts, like a few minutes a day. Also, you can do moving meditation, listen to mindfulness recordings, guided meditations, Sufi practices, mantra, chanting ---there are lots of approaches. The benefit is that it takes us away from our habitual patterns, the habitual ways we spend time with ourselves, and gives us a fresh perspective. And this can be painful, so go easy on yourself.

Here is a good post on fear, if you have not seen it.

http://www.zerohedge.com/news/2015-12-15/denmark-confiscate-gold-jewelry-valuables-refugees

Andy B.