Day 6- Fears and thoughts on meditation

I have plenty of fears relating to my chronic pain and some doubts as to how useful this mind body technique is. I get easily frustrated when I sense pain coming back. Though since I read Dr. Sarno's book and have been working on these exercises I have been able to tolerate computer work better than normal, I still feel tingling in my hands and wrists. I have a very conditioned reaction to stop my work and rest, and it's really hard for me to return to it and push on because I do fear the pain.

I am trying the technique of acknowledging and not fearing the pain as it comes up, but I find that very challenging. If anyone has advice on how to better handle when I first sense the pain in my hands as I work, I am eager to continue working. That may also be part of my cycle. I left a full time job because of my chronic pain, and have no returned to full time work since then. I very much defined myself and my success by my work, and leaving that behind was really difficult. I have slowly been getting back into work involving computers, but at my own pace, mostly part time and freelance. I have a lot of fears surrounding returning to work, being able to support myself financially, falling back into old cycles of stress, and dealing with pain again.

On another note- some thoughts on meditation. I think meditation can be a very powerful tool for shifting from fight or flight to a more restful and calm state. However, I have had a very negative experience with meditation because I did not have proper support for dealing with pain and emotions that arose because of it. Last year, shortly after I recovered from surgery, I decided to go on a week long silent meditation retreat. Yoga and meditation were tools that helped me deal with my pain, so I thought a retreat would be a good experience. During the long meditation sessions, I had such a hard time because the most overpowering sensation of pain kept arising in my body. The instructors told me sometimes meditation is uncomfortable, and I should notice it and try to sit with it and see if it passed. The more I sat with it, the more intense it grew, bringing with it a lot of resentment, sadness, and fear. I almost left the retreat early because it was so difficult to face these things, and I did not feel supported by the staff. Eventually I stopped going to the meditation sessions because it just didn't feel right. Looking back, I do think it helped clear some of the things I was suppressing, but I did not feel safe in the environment, and wouldn't approach it in that way again.