Day 6 Doubts

[LizzyBennet]

For Day 6 said to post any doubts about TMS. I don't doubt that I have TMS, I doubt my abilities to overcome it. I think innately I feel like there is something wrong with me. I read about other people overcoming it and I think, "That's nice for them, but they're not as screwed up as I am." Logically, this doesn't make any sense.

When I was younger I was treated like I was "different" by family, kids at school etc., and some people treat me like that now if I talk about my difficulties with migraines/anxiety/depressions. (I haven't done that since I started the program though). They would give me that look, you know what I mean, like "Wow, you have too much going on, I can't deal with you." or they would find a polite way to wander off. I learned my lesson and stopped talking to most people about it, but it left a lasting feeling of inadequacy.

I hate how our society looks down on those who have chronic pain and psychological pain. It makes me very mad, to the point that I even stopped going to church. I don't blame Christianity or everyone at church, but for a place that is supposed to be loving and accepting of everyone, some Christians are the exact opposite. I know if I felt more secure in myself, I could probably let this roll off my back, but for now, I cannot.

I know that what happened in the past, is the past, but I reinforce the things that were told to me by repeating them in my head, probably a hundred times a day. I am getting better at catching the thoughts. Sometimes it's just a feeling though, and not a thought. I can feel it a tightening in my chest, or my stomach flips and I have to think, "What am I feeling?". When I question the emotion, it is almost always fear. And all my fears boil down to not being good enough, which is why I'm striving so hard to just BE.

I am seeing change. Thanksgiving was GREAT!!! I haven't had as good of a day since then but I still feel like I'm getting better each day, and I tell myself I am. These are my go to thoughts that I repeat to myself "I'm getting better everyday." "This is psychological not physical." "What emotion or thought was I having before this pain started?" (then I examine it). I tell you, taking a logical approach to the pain, questioning it's emotional source, instead of just jumping automatically into freak-out mode has helped quite a bit!

 

[Andy Bayliss]

"What emotion or thought was I having before this pain started?" (then I examine it). I tell you, taking a logical approach to the pain, questioning it's emotional source, instead of just jumping automatically into freak-out mode has helped quite a bit!

Wonderful report! You're doing it, creating new habits! And this exact practice, to me, is the core of the work.

Your method is very precise and right on!!

You can also reverse it and journal about "difficult feelings" at the end of the day, and then link these feelings which "don't want to be felt" to any symptoms you had during the day, in a more general sense. "I know I don't want to feel ___________, so this explains why my ___________ was hurting."

"That's nice for them, but they're not as screwed up as I am." Logically, this doesn't make any sense.

It is good you can see this logic flaw. In essence it is a fear that you can't do it because you're not good enough. Yet, that thought too can be examined, as you're doing, and be linked to Dr. Sarno's work regarding "low self-esteem." How does your Inner Child feel in reaction to the things which get activated in you, in this thought-form? Is it being pushed? Not listened to? Hurt? Not seen? Enraged at never being seen to be good enough?

I am happy with your successes so far, and it seems you're really developing the right frame of mind in this work!

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Hi, Lizzy. It's an old saying, that we cannot feel another person's pain. So you don't know how bad others are hurting, you just know how much you are. Others may be even more screwed up than you think you are.
I say "think" because from your analysis of yourself that you are not good enough, it's just in your head.
I bet if you asked others how good they think you are, you would be surprised at how much they believe you are a very fine and nice person.

There are some very good videos on Youtube about self-esteem you might take a look at. I think it would help you to say some mantra like "I like myself. I am a person very much worth liking."

I'm glad you had a happy Thanksgiving, and that you felt good. Boost your belief that you are going to heal from TMS. Make that a mantra, too.