Margot!!
Newcomer
OH MY GOODNESS!!! I could see myself in every audio recording. Listening to Alan is SO helpful, I love the audio clips. It illustrates so much of what I experience on a daily basis. I terrorize myself all the time. If my life is calm, my brain starts to scan my life for safety and brings all the scary things that could happen into my head. From getting my bank account hacked to losing my daughter to suicide. Fear thoughts, pressure and expectations are all things I live with daily. I realized that when things are good, I have a hard time acknowledging that things are good. I want to feel content, I strive for content. I am not sure my nervous system knows how.
I'm used to hypervigilance. Everyday my brain reminds me of the danger in the world (much like my parents). What COULD happen. When my daughter was younger this voice was very VERY loud. In therapy I learned thought stopping and replacement and that was the only thing that kept me from being the overprotective mom of the century!
In everyday life, I'm not always aware of my internal dialogue. I have felt like meeting the needs of loved ones and keeping them emotionally healthy is necessary. I have prioritized others over myself for most of my life. Its hard to let people take care of you. It feels unsafe to be venerable. Im working on this too. I dont share how I feel alot, mostly because I fear NOT getting support.
I am sad that my little girl didn't learn that she was loved or good enough. It makes me angry that my parents didn't take care of their own crap, they passed it on to me. While they did better than their parents, the fact remains that they were selfish, emotionally immature children pretending to be adults. While I have anger about what I live with today as a result, I also have deep empathy for the struggles my parents lived through. Neither of them deserved what happened to them in childhood.
Ive been working on self esteem for a while. I am very anxious without some kind of feedback. Mostly at work, the last two places I worked were very toxic , which just amplified my fear. There were no clear expectations, and the bar was constantly moving. Ive had varying levels of success with managing my desire for validation its really difficult. Given my past, it makes sense that I would struggle when there are no clear expectations. AND (irrational fear) Im still worried that it is all my fault and I just cant see it. Exhausting to be in my head some days.
I'm used to hypervigilance. Everyday my brain reminds me of the danger in the world (much like my parents). What COULD happen. When my daughter was younger this voice was very VERY loud. In therapy I learned thought stopping and replacement and that was the only thing that kept me from being the overprotective mom of the century!
In everyday life, I'm not always aware of my internal dialogue. I have felt like meeting the needs of loved ones and keeping them emotionally healthy is necessary. I have prioritized others over myself for most of my life. Its hard to let people take care of you. It feels unsafe to be venerable. Im working on this too. I dont share how I feel alot, mostly because I fear NOT getting support.
I am sad that my little girl didn't learn that she was loved or good enough. It makes me angry that my parents didn't take care of their own crap, they passed it on to me. While they did better than their parents, the fact remains that they were selfish, emotionally immature children pretending to be adults. While I have anger about what I live with today as a result, I also have deep empathy for the struggles my parents lived through. Neither of them deserved what happened to them in childhood.
Ive been working on self esteem for a while. I am very anxious without some kind of feedback. Mostly at work, the last two places I worked were very toxic , which just amplified my fear. There were no clear expectations, and the bar was constantly moving. Ive had varying levels of success with managing my desire for validation its really difficult. Given my past, it makes sense that I would struggle when there are no clear expectations. AND (irrational fear) Im still worried that it is all my fault and I just cant see it. Exhausting to be in my head some days.
