Day 5 PTSD

[Margot!!]

I took the weekend off from posting, but kept working. Saturday I planned to go bike shopping with my partner. Pain was bad in the morning, I get up early so I felt confident that I could do what I needed to do to get rid of the pain. Pain subsided shortly before my partner woke up, but increased when he checked in with me about bike shopping. The pain continued to intensify.... burning searing pain in my inner thigh, progressed to my knee cap and then my whole thigh felt like it was on fire. I was crying at this point. I said I don't think I can do it and I immediately burst out into full blown UGLY crying. I sobbed for a good 10 minutes, clearly releasing something. I realized that I was dealing with an unconscious fear of judgment. I talked to my partner about my fear. Growing up my mother was a brutal critic and I internalized that judgment. Now in adulthood, the inner critic I live with is mostly my mothers voice. Ive learned how to manage it, through CBT self talk. However, My partner can be judgmental and I he often shares these judgments with me. I shared that I worry that he is judging me and I have plenty of data to tell me how he feels about people with less physical ability. He acknowledged that he has judged others harshly and isnt proud of it. He assured me that he wouldn't judge me like that. SO! this reading is very timely. I live with a PTSD diagnosis, childhood trauma. My issues around judgment came from my mom, but I feared that my partner would take the same critical role. I feel like it has to do with expecting care takers or those I love to always judge me harshly. Big time break through. I didn't even know those feeling were there.
Once I worked through this, the pain went away. We got in the car and went to look at bikes! Margot 1 TMS 0!
I talked with my partner about TMS and the work I have been doing on the car ride. I have his full support. I picked a bike, they are building it and I go back to ride it next weekend. My partner was annoyed that the bike I wanted wasn't available. I said to him, I GOT HERE, this is a win in my book! I was SO proud of myself! Sunday, I rearranged my work space, something that would have caused a flare up in the past. NO Flareups! I definitely fear flare ups as I was taken out by one a few years ago. That pain in my inner thigh, the burning is an indication that I have some emotion or fear under the surface. I worked through it, talking to the pain when it starts. I am safe is the first thing I say, then I say, I am in control of my body. Lastly I ask my body to increase the oxygen to my muscles. usally I say specific muscles, but I have found that both work for me. If the pain doesn't decrease I say, I was misdiagnosed with Fibromyalgia. I actually have TMS which causes my muscles to get tight and produce pain. The tension is all about your emotions. Fear and anxiety are usually the emotions. I have so much fear AND so much hope.

 

[Adam Coloretti (coach)]

I live with a PTSD diagnosis, childhood trauma. My issues around judgment came from my mom, but I feared that my partner would take the same critical role. I feel like it has to do with expecting care takers or those I love to always judge me harshly. Big time break through. I didn't even know those feeling were there.

The way you worked through this was fantastic! Goosebumps!

 

[Margot!!]

Thank you, it was really challenging to speak up and talk about it with my partner. As a child I stopped sharing how I felt to protected my mom.. because my emotions were too big for her. I have to acknowledge the connection between my mom and my partner- I don't always share how I am feeling with him, because in our past he often beat himself up if I shared what I was feeling. He has done his own work to respond from a better place. Sometimes his baggage bumps up against my baggage, but he's my ride or die, so we always work through it.