Day 4

Today’s Question is: What was the most disheartening thing a doctor has told you about your symptoms? In what ways have you kept that in your mind?

What a good question! I was so desperate to figure out what the strange pain was that I was having back in 2016. At first I thought it was hemmeroids (proctologist told me it wasn’t). Then I thought it was my tailbone but a visit to my GP didn’t help. He never physically examined me. (Can you believe that?) I insisted on an X-ray and it didn’t even go low enough to show my whole tailbone! He said “you have a bulging disc in your low back.” I already knew that (after years of on and off back pain that I now know was TMS)! That disc wasn’t even in the area that hurt. He just didn’t want to mess with it.

I searched and researched online and finally found a “Tailbone Doctor”. I live in TX and flew all the way to NJ to see him. He took an X-ray with me sitting and bending backward. He showed me the X-ray and said “No wonder you’re in so much pain! Your tailbone is 100% dislocated and you have a bone spur on it!!” I burst into tears, so relieved to see I wasn’t crazy that it hurt so bad in this area no one could reach! I recalled that yes I have fallen a few times over the years. Finally a diagnosis from someone who cared, I thought. I clung to it with ever fiber in my being, thankful not to be alone with the pain. Over the next 2 years I flew to NJ 3 times for injections and even a nerve ablation. And no relief!

Reading Unlearn Your Pain by Dr. Howard Schubiner was the first time my symptoms got better. I’m not pain free, but I can at least function again.

I’m pretty sure that the remaining stubborn pain is the desperate internal me afraid to totally give up the diagnosis and X-ray. I was SO SURE that it was correct. I could see it with my own 2 eyes! This has been the hardest thing to let go of down to my core. I believe my brain 100% gets that I have TMS. But X-rays sink in deep! I guess I need to internalize the TMS diagnosis the way I did “dislocated/bone spur”. In my mind TMS doesn’t look as tangible. But my brain picked the perfect thing to go after in my body. I’m really hoping this program gives me a way to really soak in the reality of TMS on the deepest level.