Day 4

[Fabi]

I must say I find it very difficult to follow the SEP. I get confused about the tasks, I forget what I have to do, I am doing a lot and believe I am doing very little.
While I was thinking about the question of what has been the most disheartening thing a doctor has told me, I started to cry, I believe the worst has been to be sent to a Pain Medicine Doctor last week and me believing that there was nothing else to do.
I do feel we , me and doctros, failing to see a tiny but huge thing. As soon as I start getting confused with the SEP I get pain in my head, tension begins to build in my neck and I feel a need to shake it.
Of all the personality traits I read today, I fit in all of them. It is very painful to see what I have done to myself in terms of pleasing others, and not loving me, not giving me what was desirable and needed.
Thank you for being there

 

[Andy Bayliss]

As soon as I start getting confused with the SEP I get pain in my head, tension begins to build in my Neck and I feel a need to shake it.

This may be a simple way to observe the inner tension and pressure that is occurring to "do things right."

Of all the personality traits I read today, I fit in all of them. It is very painful to see what I have done to myself in terms of pleasing others, and not loving me, not giving me what was desirable and needed.

In this pain, is also self-compassion, Fabi. If you can separate the rejection for who you have been, your patterns, and disengage from that rejection, this is good work. Then the true softness for our own suffering, our own life, doing the best we can, can more easily emerge. With awareness usually comes self-rejection, at least for me. Seeing this tendency, we have to be tender with ourselves in these discoveries, as best we can. Then our tenderness can grow, our heart for ourselves, just as we are, can grow.

 

[Fabi]

With awareness usually comes self-rejection

Andy, you hit a big nail here. It is so so what I experience. I wish I can always be true to my feelings. Because there is guidance and support needed, and people like you can read between the lines.