Day 4

[Mermaid]

I'm a lot better today. I've been doing my homework, journaling, crying and walking, so I've calmed down a lot. One of the things I always get hung up on is feeling stupid and guilty for allowing my perfectionist self to have led the type of life that meant I developed TMS. Ridiculous I know, so that's one of the reasons I got back on the forum, to stop feeling like a lonely freak. I did tonnes of journaling the first time around, I think I've dealt with all my back story and personality. I need to do more work on the day to day fear of symptoms flaring up again, and conditioning , so I finally get the beast off of me.

I'm driven perfectionist who thinks they're personally responsible everyone else's happiness. My ex-husband was abusive so I would be anything to placate him, and it just became a habit, that's proving very difficult to shake; I'm working on it though.

Three years ago I was crippled and hopeless, I'm now leading an (almost) normal life again. I refuse to let what is basically the habit of being tense, keep any kind of hold on me.

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Hi again. Mermaid. I am so glad to learn that you are feeling better. You know what the problem is, being a perfectionist. My book publisher boss is one, and wow, does he have pains all over. I suggest that they're from TMS but he is so stubborn, he is a control freak, so if he didn't think of it being TMS, he won't listen about it.

You need to try to focus on not letting your Inner Bully criticize you. You can't be responsible for making other people happy. They have to do that for themselves. Kick your ex-husband mentally in the rear end and forget about him.

You have come a long way in healing. You are close to the finish line of being completely free of pain. Keep that foremost in your mind all the time.

 

[Mermaid]

Hi Walt,
You're spot on about the inner bully thing. I never stop beating myself up. I'd never dream of speaking to anyone else the way I speak to myself. I think I'm a very compassionate person, I should try it on myself sometime

 

[Andy Bayliss]

One of the things I always get hung up on is feeling stupid and guilty for allowing my perfectionist self to have led the type of life that meant I developed TMS.

Hi Mermaid,
This is a pretty good insight, although I get that it is a painful experience. In a sense you are rejecting yourself for rejecting yourself (trying to be more perfect). It is so painful to be caught in these kinds of loops. To see it, and not be able to stop it.

You might say that you are getting perfectionistic around your TMS knowledge, that you know better, but aren't "doing better. But the perfectionistic patterns are there, so I hope you can have some compassion for yourself. Ultimately we get better if we can just connect the symptoms to our inner life, which you are doing. Without having to change too much.

It might be helpful just to acknowledge that you get caught in perfectionistic behaviors, and that's your pattern. I think disengaging from the Inner Bully this way might be helpful. In my experience, my self-rejection for who I am or what I am doing is the most painful and stressful piece, and the root of TMS. Imagine how my Inner Child feels! So I am glad you are seeing this and beginning to really engage the Inner Critic/Inner Bully aspects.

I have posted this lately to others, but will recommend to you also the Byron Brown book Soul Without Shame, which explores the compulsive activity of the superego, and begins to explore techniques for disengaging from it. Similar to some of what Alan Gordon does with clients in the Recovery Program recordings at the Wiki. You might like it.

I have had clients begin to read this and say "It is a huge relief to know someone else understands what it is like to live in my head [with the Inner Critic]." That was the way I felt when I first got support for this aspect in me, many years ago. It felt like someone understood and could finally help me. It wasn't just my private hell, it is everyone's. This is helpful, I think.

Good luck in this work. It takes a lot of steadfastness because you are challenging very old survival patterns that were developed to keep you in a safe, loving place. At the same time, today, we don't have to put up for a moment with believing the old self-diminishing voices!

Andy B.

 

[Mermaid]

Hi Andy,
Thank you so much for your suggestions. I have the textbook TMS personality, that added to the traumas I've experienced made me very sick. I have to keep reminding myself how very far I've come and to trust that I will heal all the way. Claire Weekes work has been a huge help to me.
I know exactly where my perfectionist people pleaser traits came from. I was raised by very strict parents, who were anxious and self absorbed, also I attended a Catholic convent school for 7 years. I was taught that IMPERFECTION = REJECTION all my formative years. The people pleasing comes from the drive to be loved and accepted. We didn't have much money when I was growing up either, so I always felt ashamed of our home, but also guilty for feeling that way.
At the moment I'm working on accepting the full impact life events have had on my inner self, and making piece with that, instead of playing in down then criticizing myself for reacting to it.
The single thing that is holding be back is fear of the pain and anger and frustration that it's still around. I will get back in balance, when I learn to love myself more.