Day 36

[aa3405]

My question to ponder for this day is:
Is there anything in your life you feel like you can’t control? How does not being in control make you feel? Can you connect this feeling to a personality trait?

I have been thinking about this question and how it relates to an issue that I have at work. I feel that goodism is a trait that I tend to exhibit at times. I feel that I don't want to create waves with anyone at work which leads to resentment when basic things that I need are not present at my work. I feel that my work unhappiness and stress is something that I cannot control (although, this is not true). The TMS symptoms that tend to act up when I am stressed about work or money are stomach issues. It almost happens immediately after I start thinking about stress at work .

My recent issue with my present job is not getting paid for two months. The office manager gave several excuses, but it still is not excusable. I didn't say anything the entire time until last week when I finally found my voice to complain. I actually have a lot of leverage at my job to get things done because if I left it would be very hard to find a replacement mainly because of the location. As soon as I spoke up and did not back down I could see the fear in the managers eyes and quickly the things that I asked for were addressed. I received three emails that day regarding all of my concerns. I know that the manager is just acting nice in order to keep me happy and not potentially leave, but I have realized that I can't please everyone and if I have to be forceful to get my voice heard then that is what I will need to do. It is very much against my goodism personality trait, but I am trying very hard to move beyond that inhibition. My position in the company is actually higher than the managers, but I always feel weak in my jobs in terms of getting what I want.

I also see how some of the employees below me also do not speak their voice when it is necessary and live in fear of the manager. I am in a position to protect them and their help them get their needs met. I have asked for several things to help them get those needs met. If they are not happy, then it makes my job less enjoyable and more stressful. My personality type is very empathetic, so, I tend to take on the suffering of others almost as my own.

I feel that my relationship to my job and to money in general is something that is out of my control, but this is really in my mind. I am sure it relates to childhood memories of fights my parents had regarding money and investing in terms of losses over the years. I plan to journal about some of the events and also try EFT tapping daily to see if I can release some of the blocks. I was also reading that not speaking my voice and being weak in my convictions is a sign of blockage creating a weak root chakra. There are meditations that I would like to try to strengthen and open this chakra. I am willing to try anything to help me become stronger in my voice.

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Hi, aa3405.

We are in the same boat. I work freelance for a book publisher and he is often at least a month late in paying me.
He keeps waiting for a publisher to pay him so he can pay me and others working for him.
But has put me behind in paying my mortgage and utilities and credit card debt. I am constantly stressed out because
of financial problems.

The situation keeps triggering memories of my parents arguing over money matters where I was a boy during the
1930s Great Depression and they divorced when I was seven. It left me with strong feelings of insecurity
that I have carried with me all my life and I am 84 now. I have tried to learn to live with financial insecurity
but it is part of what I expect being a freelance writer.

I also have trouble with my publisher boss because he is a perfectionist's perfectionist and is actually not as
perfect as he thinks. But he demands it of me and everyone else who works for him. But needing the work and money, when it comes,
keeps me working for him.

I too am a goodist, wanting to please, so I eat a lot of his s--t.

Meditating and tapping have been helpful to me, but mainly laughing. I think about my boss and the money situation.

Forty years ago I quit my job in publications for a major insurance company because I tired of working there
at the level of other employees' incompetence. I am still glad I left, although I often feel I am working at the level
of my book publisher boss's incompetence.

I think in the workplace of any kind, this has always been the case. The right and most qualified people often do not
become boss. My brother learned this the hard way when he expected to become head of his accounting department
at the same insurance company I was working for, but when the opening came, a boss's son got the job. What made matters
worse for my brother was, he had to train his new boss. It drove my brother into anger and depression so he drank.
Don't let that happen to you. It isn't easy, but laugh it off. Enjoy your life after office hours and on weekends.

Good luck and let us know how you're doing.


and know there is nothing I can really do about it, so I laugh. It really does help.