Today's question is When was the last time you made a mistake? How did it make you FEEL?
This might sound very superficial, but I realize that my appearance is a big source of anxiety and a tms issue for me. Growing up, I was never very pretty. I had very thick and curly black hair and large lips. I had bushy eyebrows. I did not look at all like the other girls in my school. I was the only ethnic girl in my class most often. I didn't realize till I was older that I felt self conscious and sad about being different and not pretty. Even within my community, I really wasn't considered pretty. I realized this more as I started high school and college. I often got praise from my family for being a hard worker and reliable. So, I focused my attention on school and getting a successful career. Even to this day, I feel ugly. Although, now most people tell me I am pretty. Over the years, I have lost weight, gotten a little plastic surgery done. I get botox and fillers. So, I definitely look different than when I was younger. The issue is that I still don't see myself as pretty even though now I get positive reinforcement from others. I never got it when I was younger and so I don't believe what I hear now.
My anxiety these days is that some of the women I spend time with don't work and are very focused on their looks, clothes, shoes, etc. I really don't care much about those things because of the childhood background I mentioned above. I try my best to keep up with these women. I often times don't feel like I look as good as them and I focus on that for days after an event. I went to a function last night and because no one commented on my outfit and also because I know I didn't take the time do my hair for a party, I felt very sad and anxious about it afterwards. I know I have a choice to spend time with them or not, but they are actually nice women and it seems like it would be a shame to completely break ties with that group. Some of the women also work and still keep up with their looks. It also occurs in other situations like at work and family functions.
The main feelings that I get after going to a function where I feel that I look absolutely horrible are fear as well as sadness. I feel fear that I will be rejected by the group, that the group will talk about how horrible I look, that the group will think that I am not worthy of hanging out with them. I fear and feel sad that I don't belong in that group or any other group because I am not worthy enough---I don't have what it takes to make the cut.
I see how one of my younger nieces who is very beautiful is very concerned about her clothes and hair already. I see how she thinks and knows that everyone is looking at her, because people constantly tell her how good she looks. I think I would care more about my appearance if I had that growing up. Instead I try to fade in the background and not draw attention to my looks, because I know I might be rejected by others.
This might sound very superficial, but I realize that my appearance is a big source of anxiety and a tms issue for me. Growing up, I was never very pretty. I had very thick and curly black hair and large lips. I had bushy eyebrows. I did not look at all like the other girls in my school. I was the only ethnic girl in my class most often. I didn't realize till I was older that I felt self conscious and sad about being different and not pretty. Even within my community, I really wasn't considered pretty. I realized this more as I started high school and college. I often got praise from my family for being a hard worker and reliable. So, I focused my attention on school and getting a successful career. Even to this day, I feel ugly. Although, now most people tell me I am pretty. Over the years, I have lost weight, gotten a little plastic surgery done. I get botox and fillers. So, I definitely look different than when I was younger. The issue is that I still don't see myself as pretty even though now I get positive reinforcement from others. I never got it when I was younger and so I don't believe what I hear now.
My anxiety these days is that some of the women I spend time with don't work and are very focused on their looks, clothes, shoes, etc. I really don't care much about those things because of the childhood background I mentioned above. I try my best to keep up with these women. I often times don't feel like I look as good as them and I focus on that for days after an event. I went to a function last night and because no one commented on my outfit and also because I know I didn't take the time do my hair for a party, I felt very sad and anxious about it afterwards. I know I have a choice to spend time with them or not, but they are actually nice women and it seems like it would be a shame to completely break ties with that group. Some of the women also work and still keep up with their looks. It also occurs in other situations like at work and family functions.
The main feelings that I get after going to a function where I feel that I look absolutely horrible are fear as well as sadness. I feel fear that I will be rejected by the group, that the group will talk about how horrible I look, that the group will think that I am not worthy of hanging out with them. I fear and feel sad that I don't belong in that group or any other group because I am not worthy enough---I don't have what it takes to make the cut.
I see how one of my younger nieces who is very beautiful is very concerned about her clothes and hair already. I see how she thinks and knows that everyone is looking at her, because people constantly tell her how good she looks. I think I would care more about my appearance if I had that growing up. Instead I try to fade in the background and not draw attention to my looks, because I know I might be rejected by others.
