Day 3

When was the last time you exercised or did another physical activity? What was this activity? How did it make you feel physically and emotionally? If it is has been a while since you last exercised, why?


I exercised tonight. It always makes me feel good. I've always felt like I've had a good physically built body. I remember playing softball this summer, and even at age 36 I was probably the second best player on the team of 15 (most guys in their 20's). But I’m scared I’m hursting my thumbs by exercising. I do recognize when i played softball my pain would go down from a 4 level to a 1 (left hand) 2 (right hand). So as long as my mind was focused else where I did btter. I love to run, and it makes me feel exhausted and refreshed. It helps me detox from my children who I feel jealous of.

I feel like my children get two parents when I never got any parent involved in my life. I do love them, but think how my life would have been different with more interactions with my parents. My daughter who is 7 can always cheer me up since she's so lovable and happy all the time. I have to be careful not to favor her since I already see some tendencies of my son 5 to be upset and frustrated sometimes. It maybe just being a boy but no matter how much pain I'm in my boy needs a father. My dad had kids and basically never cared for us. I only have two memories of him ever playing with me.

My new goal is go back to playing some video games. This is my favorite activity to do by myself. Its made me very sad that I've avoided them a lot in the past year. From May 2013 to July 2014 I did something stupid and turned into someone that felt like he had to accomplish everything in a game. I followed guides, watched others play on youtube just so i could accomplish these feats. Basically i turned my happy hobby into another job. I'm going to go back to playing games 'blind.' This means to challenge my mind, not follow guides, youtube videos. Just have fun and not feel like I have to 100% a game. I want to challenge my mind again. Even if its for 30 mins a day.

 

Us TMS people can turn everything into a 'game of perfection'! Allowing yourself enjoyment is a good step. Also you need to congratulate yourself on being a good parent, when you didn;t learn how from yours. Give yourself credit for playing with your kids and helping them with stuff. Recognise that the hurt and jealousy you feel stem from your parents actions NOT from your kids actions. All children deserve good parenting. Some of us don't get it from our parents but we still recognise that it is necessary. It is just processing the feelings it brings up - how to do that without resenting your own kids. I found the exercises in the Structured Educational programme that got you to write with your 'other' hand really useful. It sounded silly at first. I sat down and wrote a letter to each of my parents but used my right hand (I'm a lefty) Weirdly while writing I totally seemed to regress to a very hurt and angry little girl and my writing became hideous! But it really got a lot of stuff out and emotionally I felt a lot better . It also revealed stuff that I had not realised had made me extremely angry and sad. So more to process....
On some level I also feel sorry for parents who haven't parented well. They missed out on so much possible joy and love. Children are wholehearted in their appreciation - so many parents just don't get it and miss out.