Day 3

[Dee.1983]

Ok question.
Making a list of past traumatic events and stressors
First.. when does past become present...last week ? Last month? Last year ?
I went through a traumatic time in 2023 separating with my partner of 19 years, the year that followed was challenging for so many reasons, the separation of course many friends who seem to spend time with my ex even though I feel I was the one who was neglected in the relationship, nearly lossing my flat due to having to remortgage and give my ex a lot of money that really he wasn't entitled to but legally he could have gone for more ( I was scared) and stupid when I put his name on the deeds of the property ( love ay)... But I side track is 2023 past ? It was a year of challenge but at the time I felt very little, I hardly cried and I got through the entire thing on my own ( I've always been this way, if it's my problem I'll fix it).
Next is the problem of other past events.. as I've previously mentioned I have a terrible terrible memory so I really don't remember my childhood....how do I get around this, most of what I remember are stories from my parents and sisters and they always just say you were really happy. My sister just said I was happy brave and outgoing.
Some advice on what to do here.
TIA

 

[JanAtheCPA]

Given that it's how you've introduced yourself in every post, I would characterize the breakup as a current stressor/trauma.

The question to ask about the many issues you still have is WHY do you feel this way about this or that aspect? (where this or that is any one of the many items you listed above regarding the breakup). You need to be curious about why you're still pretty much consumed by these things two years later. Not judgemental, just curious. For every answer to a Why question, ask the next Why question. If any answer comes from a position of victimhood, definitely keep going, and keep drilling down.

The pressure of self judgement and secret self blame are common aspects of relationship dysfunction. You're going to have to go there.

The Why protocol comes from @Cactusflower, who perhaps can point us to her post where she describes it better (I know I bookmarked it, but I have too many bookmarks )

The stress you are currently enduring about the breakup is based in coping mechanisms you would have developed as a child. For past stuff, just grab a piece of lined paper and start writing things down as they pop into your head, WITHOUT EDITING anything. It literally doesn't matter what they are. Some will trigger other memories, maybe immediately, or maybe a few lines further down. Don't worry about the order. The messier the better, because messy means free of constraint and self-editing. Let go of the self pressure, let go of any judgement, and once again, importantly, be curious. You might even laugh at what you put down - nothing wrong with that. See what happens. Good luck!

 

[Cactusflower]

Given that it's how you've introduced yourself in every post, I would characterize the breakup as a current stressor/trauma.

The Why protocol comes from @Cactusflower, who perhaps can point us to her post where she describes it better (I know I bookmarked it, but I have too many bookmarks )

Can you describe it more,, @JanAtheCPA Not sure what you mean....(my memory is as good as yours! )


@Dee.1983
You are experiencing a lot of regret, self-blame and I bet, as Sarno discusses, a lot of inner rage. Of course, like any good TMS-er you can't actually get in touch with the rage, and perhaps you don't even see yourself as a person who can get that angry. But this is the subconcious talking and I bet deep down in there you are throwing a giant fit - as would anyone.
Your ex- "MAKING" you give them your money...tricky bastard
Your ex - "MAKING" you feel abandoned, uncared for, neglected, guilt and shameful. How dare they make you feel shame when they are at fault for ALL of it. You, after all were just trying to make things work.
Your ex- for "Making" taking the things you gifted them out of trust like adding their name to the flat, and then turning coat on you. UGHHHHHHHHHHHH what a nasty toad.

You might not feel these things. You were probably trained not too. Especially since your family members remember you as happy and carefree. That's usually a good sign of people pleasing or, not really understanding the inner you. You don't always need to have a great memory about these things. You just need to accept that the inner you has every human trait that the outter you might not fully identify with. You can be happy and have had a good childhood AND still be rageful. You can have had what most people consider no trauma in your life, but your personality and your sensitive nature and or anxiety level may have had you interpret things as being "hard" or "difficult at times" or "emotional" etc. it's often just how we are made up.

Here is a great exercise to help you out (maybe this is what Jan is referring to).

Imagine a large field just filled with green grass. It's quite flat - like a large soccer field. On this field is a HUGE white line in a circle. Picture a small YOU in the middle of that circle (perspective, you look small from the distance standing on the white line).
Now picture you today and put yourself in any spot on that circle. Take 6 steps around the circle, and now look at your little you. What do you see there. Just stand there and look at that other you. Describe the person you see - their facial expression, how they hold their body. Now take another 6-8 steps around the white line and look at your little you again. How does little you feel, standing there exposed to the you on the line. Just stand there gazing. Slowly work your way around the circle, calmly, just breathing and looking at the little you.

This can be so revealing, loving and accepting of yourself. Just being there with yourself. I often find it incredibly revealing. You never know what's going to come up. A memory or simply the sensation or the emotion of a memory. Sometimes this exercise might take several repeats, especially if you find it hard to imagine yourself (it takes body awareness and a sense of being able to move your body without actually moving your body).

Why not give it a try. See if you can get a real sense of compassion for how the little you feels.

 

[Dee.1983]

Given that it's how you've introduced yourself in every post, I would characterize the breakup as a current stressor/trauma.

The question to ask about the many issues you still have is WHY do you feel this way about this or that aspect? (where this or that is any one of the many items you listed above regarding the breakup). You need to be curious about why you're still pretty much consumed by these things two years later. Not judgemental, just curious. For every answer to a Why question, ask the next Why question. If any answer comes from a position of victimhood, definitely keep going, and keep drilling down.

The pressure of self judgement and secret self blame are common aspects of relationship dysfunction. You're going to have to go there.

The Why protocol comes from @Cactusflower, who perhaps can point us to her post where she describes it better (I know I bookmarked it, but I have too many bookmarks )

The stress you are currently enduring about the breakup is based in coping mechanisms you would have developed as a child. For past stuff, just grab a piece of lined paper and start writing things down as they pop into your head, WITHOUT EDITING anything. It literally doesn't matter what they are. Some will trigger other memories, maybe immediately, or maybe a few lines further down. Don't worry about the order. The messier the better, because messy means free of constraint and self-editing. Let go of the self pressure, let go of any judgement, and once again, importantly, be curious. You might even laugh at what you put down - nothing wrong with that. See what happens. Good luck!

Thank you JanAthe - I read the first line of your response and become instantly defensive and thought you were having a dig at me.. I think that in itself says a lot (defensive now being added to personality traits). Its really helpful having others show you aspects of yourself you are completely unaware of and some helpful tools of what to do next. I really appreciate it.

 

[JanAtheCPA]

Can you describe it more,, @JanAtheCPA Not sure what you mean....(my memory is as good as yours! )

Hmmm. I assume you meant "...not as good as" but it would seem my memory can't be trusted! I thought it was you, but a keyword search under your name was not helpful, so I actually scanned my bookmarks back past 2024, and couldn't find it, so... now I have no idea. I just remember that it was a really good description of a method of journaling that peels back the onion by continuing to ask WHY? every time you respond to the previous WHY - forcing you to go deep and get vulnerable.

For example, @Dee.1983:

stupid when I put his name on the deeds of the property

So you might start by asking yourself this question, using the third person (3rd person self-talk is known to be helpful!): Why are you characterizing this as stupid (and thus blaming yourself)?
Possible answer: because I shouldn't make a financial decision out of love.
Next question: Why not?
Possible answer: Because it's stupid (repetitive rumination)
Next: Where does this idea of being stupid come from?
Possible answer: (take your pick...)
Next: (probably depends on the "where from" answer prior) Why does the idea of having made a "stupid" decision continue to eat at you two years later?

And so on.

@Diana-M quoted the following in another thread today (the one about trauma in the "absence of an empathic witness"):

“To fully heal, you have to accept the real and deep suffering of your story.

Which is a more empathic way of saying that you have to replace victimhood with vulnerability - otherwise you're just paddling around in the shallow end of your emotions.

 

[Dee.1983]

Oh this makes sense.
I have a lot of work to do.
Thank you so much for your time and these tools..

 

[Dee.1983]

Can you describe it more,, @JanAtheCPA Not sure what you mean....(my memory is as good as yours! )


@Dee.1983
You are experiencing a lot of regret, self-blame and I bet, as Sarno discusses, a lot of inner rage. Of course, like any good TMS-er you can't actually get in touch with the rage, and perhaps you don't even see yourself as a person who can get that angry. But this is the subconcious talking and I bet deep down in there you are throwing a giant fit - as would anyone.
Your ex- "MAKING" you give them your money...tricky bastard
Your ex - "MAKING" you feel abandoned, uncared for, neglected, guilt and shameful. How dare they make you feel shame when they are at fault for ALL of it. You, after all were just trying to make things work.
Your ex- for "Making" taking the things you gifted them out of trust like adding their name to the flat, and then turning coat on you. UGHHHHHHHHHHHH what a nasty toad.

You might not feel these things. You were probably trained not too. Especially since your family members remember you as happy and carefree. That's usually a good sign of people pleasing or, not really understanding the inner you. You don't always need to have a great memory about these things. You just need to accept that the inner you has every human trait that the outter you might not fully identify with. You can be happy and have had a good childhood AND still be rageful. You can have had what most people consider no trauma in your life, but your personality and your sensitive nature and or anxiety level may have had you interpret things as being "hard" or "difficult at times" or "emotional" etc. it's often just how we are made up.

Here is a great exercise to help you out (maybe this is what Jan is referring to).

Imagine a large field just filled with green grass. It's quite flat - like a large soccer field. On this field is a HUGE white line in a circle. Picture a small YOU in the middle of that circle (perspective, you look small from the distance standing on the white line).
Now picture you today and put yourself in any spot on that circle. Take 6 steps around the circle, and now look at your little you. What do you see there. Just stand there and look at that other you. Describe the person you see - their facial expression, how they hold their body. Now take another 6-8 steps around the white line and look at your little you again. How does little you feel, standing there exposed to the you on the line. Just stand there gazing. Slowly work your way around the circle, calmly, just breathing and looking at the little you.

This can be so revealing, loving and accepting of yourself. Just being there with yourself. I often find it incredibly revealing. You never know what's going to come up. A memory or simply the sensation or the emotion of a memory. Sometimes this exercise might take several repeats, especially if you find it hard to imagine yourself (it takes body awareness and a sense of being able to move your body without actually moving your body).

Why not give it a try. See if you can get a real sense of compassion for how the little you feels.

That you so much lovely Cactusflower for this in-depth and kind and thought provoking answer and tools. I am grateful for your input.