Day 3

[Alyssa5]

Today's assignment asked about stressful events that I have experienced in my life. As a child, I was teased at school because I did not speak English and was called a "wetback"; as the middle child I was often ignored so I acted out to get attention, I also felt that my sister was more loved and my parents would always say why can't you be like your sister. Other traumatic events were having surgeries (csections, hemeroidectomy, tonsillectomy). Current stressors are living with chronic pelvic pain and no one around me knowing about it (not an easy subject to talk about; plus no one will understand that the pain started from one day to another); personal and work obligations along with being in pain. My kids need me and I have no time to myself. I am a perfectionist, a people pleaser and have a hard time expressing myself. I tend to hold things in until I burst!

I used to go on walks in the evening, the last time was around August but I just dont feel up to it now. i don't have the energy to do it after i get home from work. Plus the weather is changing. The wind on my face felt good to me and it gave me energy to keep fighting this illness.

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Hi, Alyssa5. I'm sorry you were teased at school for being Hispanic and not speaking English too well. Classmates can be real stinkers. Maybe it's because they had their own "shortcomings" and took it out on you.

I was the youngest of three, with an older brother and our sister was the middle child. Dad always gave her special affection and attention. I grew up also being a perfectionist and people pleaser, so I know how those personality traits can cause pain. The SEProgram taught me to modify those traits.

Your kids need you a lot, but maybe you can take walks with them. It might make great quality time together.

Practice deep breathing all the time, and relaxation techniques. There are some very good videos on those topics on Youtube.

 

[aa3405]

Hi Alyssa,
I hear that you have had a lot of emotional trauma from your childhood and that you now have a chronic illness that you are dealing with. It is wonderful that you have decided to do the program on this website. I have found that it has helped me tremendously. My pain and issues do still flare up now and again, but not like before I did the program. I hope that you can find the time to take care of yourself. I woke up at 5:30 am this morning so that I could have time to write in my journal and work out before work. I feel more energetic after working out, so, it actually helps me to start my day with exercise instead of at the end of the day when I also feel too tired. I wish you the best of luck on your journey to healing and I hope you know that you are supported by the community on the website. AA

 

[Alyssa5]

Thank you for your input.. They do say what doesn't kill us makes us stronger and those things have made me fight harder for my accomplishments. When I tease my mom about the different treatment I experienced she gives me the analogy about the fingers ( I don't know if you ever heard it; and she says it in Spanish) she says you have 5 fingers and if you cut any of them (whether its the pinky, index etc.) they all hurt the same. I love all of you the same she says but to me actions say otherwise.

 

[Andy Bayliss]

Hi Alyssa5,
I hope you can simply be aware of how your personality causes pain. That is the crux of the work here. Connecting this:

I am a perfectionist, a people pleaser and have a hard time expressing myself. I tend to hold things in until I burst!

to this:

chronic pelvic pain

You are learning that your inner life is creating pain in order to distract you. Beyond that you don't need to do too much or change too much. Good luck!

Andy B.

 

[Alyssa5]

Andy,

Yes I have learned about the personality type but does that mean that all the sudden I have to change who I am to heal? Or do I just recognize that I am holding in emotions?

 

[Andy Bayliss]

Hi Alyssa5,
In my experience it is a little of both: simple awareness, and change over time. The change comes from self-compassion, not self-coersion.

Awareness of how you treat yourself is a large part of the cure. This is what Dr. Sarno said. Most of us, as we see more of our inner life, however, attack ourselves for our personality patterns. Our Inner Critic gets activated. This impacts the Inner Child, which then creates more symptoms. This is true for anyone doing honest inquiry into their emotional/psychological life. As we get more awareness, the superego, Inner Critic gets active to distract us, and keep the status quo.

In the TMS community, we can (painfully) lay even more pressure on ourselves (because we are in pain!) that this "bad" personality activity (people-pleaser, holding things in, not being forgiving, etc) must stop. This fuels anxiety, fear, and Inner Critic activity, and responses in the Inner Child such as hurt, sadness, rage... Unfortunately we can pressure ourselves, attack ourselves, believe we need to do it perfectly. All this is natural, and we can only bring our personalities, such as they are, into engagement with Dr. Sarno's work.

The key in my opinion is to see the way we treat ourselves as clearly as possible, including the reactions to our new understandings. Your post shows you are aware. This awareness, with patience will lead to gentle change, because when we are aware of our self-rejection, down deep we want to treat ourselves better.

In time, self-compassion develops, and we do tend to treat ourselves with more love and attunement.

Taking basic measures to treat yourself well comes as you see more: take time for self-care, resist your people pleasing tendencies, experiment mindfully with not "perfecting" something. But these actions are best taken from a stance of self-love, not self-fixing. You do them because it feels good.

There are very specific techniques for practicing self-compassion and disengaging from the Inner Critic, which I coach clients in. Alan Gordon's Recovery Program at the Wiki demonstrate some great work with the Inner Critic. Also, if you want to know basic techniques to disengage from the Inner Critic, the book Soul without Shame, by Byron Brown is a must, in my opinion.

So to me this is your start, and the rest will follow! Take heart, and know that you are already on your way.

do I just recognize that I am holding in emotions?

Yes!!

Andy B.