Day 3 and much more to say

TMS Lists

Past Traumatic Events and Experiences

• I slapped my close friend on the face. I don’t remember the reason, but I felt guilty about it. (age 10)
• I was in the summer camp with my cousin. My cousin had an argument with other girl. That girl pull my cousin`s hair strong and make a bold patch. I was crying, I felt It was my responsibilities to look after my cousin and protect her and I failed. (age 10)
• I was drown in the river at age 12. I remember I was trying to get out of the water and I could not. Water was sucking me down, my grandmother pull me out…Since that day I never go to deep pool, or river.

Current Events and Stresses
I want to start looking for job, but afraid that it will make my back condition worse.

Personality Traitss
Perfectionist, responsible


When was the last time you exercised or did another physical activity?
I am a fit person and do exercise regularly. However, for the last 8 months I did not exercise much because I studied. I like to do brisk walking on the treadmill, yoga and stretching, and hula hoop. Last time I did exercise yesterday.

How did it make you feel physically and emotionally?
Physically, it makes me feel great. I know it helps me to stay fit, healthy and be attractive. Emotionally, I feel I do something for myself, not for a family. I feel satisfied and relaxed, and this is my personal achievement.




The trigger of my back problem

I figure out the trigger of my back problem, I did not mention about it in my first writing, but I guess It’s important.


Almost a year ago, I decided to change a job, I did not like what was going on in our office; people got lay off for no reasons. Also, I got bored of what I was doing for the last three years. After 11 months of trying to find a better job, I did not get any offer. I was very frustrated and thinking what is wrong with me. I thought, maybe I am not good enough as a professional graphic designer. I decided that I can open an art studio for kids, but deep in my mind I was not sure If I can pull it off. Usually, it takes time for business to be profitable. I was hesitating a lot, in one hand I really wanted to do it, but realistically looking It is not an easy path.


For me, much easier was to find a job and make sure I have a stable paycheck. I change the direction of my thinking and started looking at job boards again. To my surprise, in the last three years, many things changed in the world of technologies. I saw less positions of a graphic designer, but a lot of UX designers. I decided to pursue that career, and imaging to myself how I would be successful, meaning making a lot of money and be equal to my husband.


Basically, I imagine that I would take responsibilities for everything and everyone: being a provider for the whole family. I thought I can do it. I was a perfectionist for my whole life. I successfully graduated college, university, had a good job. When I decided It’s a time to get married, I found a good man, who is my husband now, and we’ve got two children.

But It was not enough to me, I wanted to work and be equal with my husband. I found a job, but after three years wanted a changes, wanted more challenging and better paying job.


I decided to start very challenging courses of UX design and Front-end-Development as well. My husband was very supportive and paid for both programs. I did not realize that It would be too hard for me to handle a full time job, take care of two kids and spend an additional 30-40 hours per week of study (meaning sleepless every single day).


The program was very frustrated, with the lack of explanations of assignments. I had to spend time to google and find the solution for every single assignment. Not to mention, English is my second language and I had to work even harder.
Every month brought more and more frustrations, I did not really understand what exactly I studied, and I was hopping that when I start to create a portfolio things would clear up. And that actually happens, I’ve made a great portfolio and was very proud of myself. But deep in my heart, I was afraid that I can not fit to the requirements of UX designer. This job requires a lot of skills to have: great communication and writing skills, research, and design.



At the end of the program I requested an interview with a senior mentor, he was in charge to help with a job placement. I was under a huge stress trying to answer his questions and explain about my portfolio. At the end he said, that even though my English is not so great, my portfolio speaks for itself and he wishes me a good luck. I was actually mad at him, I thought he should judge my professional skills, but not my English.


The next morning, I woke up with a strange feeling on my back (like vibration) and start feeling pressure and tightness on both shoulders, upper back and all other symptoms which never been resolved…


After I’ve done with the first program, I started doing a second one. Shortly, I understood that I am not the person who can do coding. So, I dropped second program, and felt like it was my BIG failure. I expected that I will finish both programs, but I could not. I did not start looking for a job either… I was very concerned about my health.


The conclusion: the emotional pressure I felt, now is physical pressure and tightness in my back, shoulders.

 

Wow Sashula, you have had a heck of a stressful last couple of years. I think it is wonderful to carefully list each piece, and come to the short-hand conclusion.

I feel empathy for you, reading your post. I think my empathy must come partly from your own empathy for what you've been through: the pressure, and stress, the need to prove yourself, the uncertainty of things ---and ultimately that no matter how hard you try, you have not found that "safe place" that you are seeking with so much effort. A lot of effort! And now there is fear that the completion of the job effort may require injuring your back.

I can imagine your Inner Child, as Dr. Sarno suggests, feeling overwhelmed, pressured, not supported (by the Universe) --a lot of difficult feelings. Thank you for sharing this post.

Andy B

 

Thank you Andy for your empathy and understanding.
I try to be nice to myself and don't go to the extreme. I changed my daily routine, and go to bed early and do some meditation.
It is learning curve to live in harmony with myself.

 

Hi, Sashula. I think your pains are because of uncertainty in your work life. You might not fit into every nitch in your field of design, but keep trying this and that. You will eventually find the right work for you. Keep up the exercise and meditation.

Andy's advice is excellent and so is yours to yourself... Live in harmony with yourself.