day 29

The post for today is:
Is there anyone in your life you feel wronged by? Write an Unsent Letter to this person, expressing your emotions, and then let the emotions pass away.

Both my parents tried very hard to raise me as best as they could. They didn't realize and I didn't realize until adulthood how as a child I was so affected by things that they did and said. I am going to write a short letter to both of them, but I realize that everything they did was not intentional and that they gave me more love than grief. However, the things that they did that affected me in a negative way still haunt my personality and feelings today.

Dear Dad,
I feel very sad that you had such a traumatized childhood. I understand completely your feelings of anxiety, abandonment and not feeling loved. This affected you greatly and still does. You have a lot of anxiety and the fact that you would use myself and my brother when my mom was at work to alleviate your pain was not appropriate. I felt scared during those times. I didn't feel loved. I still am not able to handle when I feel someone is annoyed or upset with me. My inner child becomes very small and I shut down. During the times that you were upset I would try to hide in another room which is basically the same action that I take now of shutting down. I feel threatened whenever someone close to me or at work seems upset. I don't feel strong and I become very anxious and fearful. I wish I was stronger and did not feel so easily threatened.
You also worked long and late hours as a medicator for your anxiety. You are still the same. You can't sit still with your emotions for even a second. I felt sad and unloved because you weren't around. Even now it is hard for me to accept affection and loving gestures from others. I feel like I don't deserve love from others. Through affirmations, I am getting a little better at receiving hugs and loving gestures from my husband and friends. I am still working on that.

Dear Mom,
I am realizing from reading the book "Getting the love you want" by Harville Hendrix that you are a little overbearing. You always want the best for me, but it is to the point that you suffocated me and didn't let me spread my wings. I didn't rebel as a teenager, but became very isolated. He states that in order to have my own power that I would need to keep my thoughts and feeling to myself and not share them with you as a punishment for you not listening to my point of view and only thinking that your way was correct. I find that to be true. I now doubt a lot of my decisions and do not have as strong a backbone to stand up for the things I think are right. I feel scared that I will not be accepted if I go against someone else's thoughts or demands even if I don't agree. I wish I was stronger. I feel that if you had supported my feelings and thoughts this whole time I would have developed the skills to make my own decisions without always second guessing myself. I understand that you are more experienced, but it is ok for me to make mistakes and learn from them. That is a part of becoming an independent adult. I know you feel more needed if your kids are still dependent on you. That has become part of your identity and role as a mother. You would equate our going against your wishes as not loving you. I wish that wasn't the case. I love you a lot and wish that you could see that better.

 

Your letters are really wonderful thinking about both parents and how they affected you.
Thank you for sharing these very personal observations.
I did the same in journaling about my parents and it helped me to forgive them for a lot of things
as I realized they had TMS problems and pains of their own.

Good luck as you proceed with the SEP. I think you are doing great.