Day 29- Feeling wronged

[Margot!!]

Is there anyone in your life you feel wronged by?
There are so many people who I feel have wronged me. Ive written each a unsent letter prior to today.
1st-The elderly man (church elder) who sexually abused me for 2 years. Recently I had a really disturbing and sad realization, The first time I was ever touched sexually was by an old man, my little 6 year old brain couldn't process that. When he got a girlfriend, I got really jealous and I felt abandoned. It's very confusing to feel that way about someone who abused you, but he handpicked me for sure. I was a friendly shiny little girl who had no boundaries, little supervision and parents that were too stressed-out making ends meet to pay attention. After I told my parents that it was happening, they got really angry and we never went to church again.
My child brain thought my parents were mad at me and felt punished because I liked going to church. Little Margo thought there was something wrong with her and shame moved in. We moved from Wisconsin and heading out east shortly after that. We never talked about it again until I asked them about it when I got older. Obviously, I feel wronged by my parents and have let that go, emotionally they were younger than I was.
More recently, I felt wronged by coworker. I left the job in April, but really struggling to let this one go. This person acted like my friend, would check on me to see how I was, as it was a very stressful environment. We hit it off, I thought she cared and was a friend, someone I could trust. We worked very closely together on a leadership team and then I learned that she was not a genuine person. She was talking poorly about me to anyone who would listen and told one of the vice presidents that I was out to get him fired. I was new. No one knew me very well, and the leadership team had worked together for a decade or more. I know she was intimidated by my knowledge and past leadership experience as she didn't feel qualified to hold the position she held. My recommendations for system changes were taken personally and eventually she conveniently left me off meeting invites or would tell me the wrong time. I felt helpless and worried that my reputation would suffer. I started to just focus on the department I supervised and tried not to let her get to me.
In my younger days I would have settled the issue with my fists, but I knew I couldn't...... ohhh but I wanted to so bad... an open-handed slap, just one. I didnt, but I realized that this person made me feel like I was in high school again (I hated high school). The unfair judgment and not knowing what else she was telling people really messed with my mind. I had panic attacks daily. She was a workplace bully. My confidence suffered. I after 2 years, left and got a new job.
I have been allowing her to live rent free in my head since April. I randomly catch myself thinking about her and what I would have done differently if I had the chance. Which I KNOW is useless and a waste of my brain power. I just don't understand why an adult woman would act like that. Women have a hard enough time without trying to take each other down. Ive never experienced that in my career before, Women always supported each other.
As I am writing this, I have a pit in my stomach. I don't think I recovered from high school. I didn't fit in, I was weird, nerdy and a band/orchestra/chorus kid. Home life was pretty much a roommate situation with my dad. I was feral. Noone could tell me what to do. Eventually, I started to use my hands to solve most problems which gave a reputation and kept me safe. I was in many dangerous situations that I probably shouldn't have survived, and some of those experiences left lasting scars.
I carried the shame of the sexual abuse and losing my community and the place I grew up, which was still all my fault. (for the record, It's not my fault)

I think I may have had my first TMS event junior year of high school. My knee started hurting, got swollen and hurt alot. I went to specialists and eventually had orthoscopic surgery. There was no cause for the pain... I continued to have knee issues over the years, then hips, then legs. I often wondered if I carry the pain in my knees and hips because of the sexual abuse I lived through.
It's definitely time to let the former coworker thing go, 7 months at the new job and my confidence is returning. I started to get the burning pain in my groin and hips when I was leaving the last job.
Clearly my beautiful brain was trying to protect me from some really old mean girl wounds and some newer ones too.
Overall, I have been doing pretty good, pain has been minimal, I'm moving everyday for at least 20 minutes. I am having significant muscle soreness, I know this is partly because of deconditioning of my muscles. I am trying to reorient my brain to normal post work out soreness, last night was tough. HOWEVER, I slept great which wouldn't have happened before SEP. I used to worry about not sleeping and my performance at work being effected but, I learned a trick here and it worked
wonders to settle the fear and anxiety I had about sleep. I'm just gonna keep going

Thanks for taking the time to read <3 I appreciate you.

 

[Adam Coloretti (coach)]

Hi Margot, two things that stood out to me:

I have been allowing her to live rent free in my head since April. I randomly catch myself thinking about her and what I would have done differently if I had the chance. Which I KNOW is useless and a waste of my brain power.

Practically I appreciate the idea of it being a waste of time, but I'd be careful here when it comes to self-judgment (given the TMS personality). I don't think it's a waste of time at all to validate what you wanted to do in the moment without guilt. If you can accept that you wanted to beat her up (that doesn't mean agreeing that you should) and give yourself the luxury to experience that in your mind without feeling awful, that can be very healing. By all means judge your actions (to an extent) but judging your own thoughts and emotions and shaming yourself for them (which is completely unnecessary) is almost always a massive reason for TMS. You're also showing a lot of necessary self-trust (which is healing too) to say that I can hold that image without guilt, it doesn't mean I don't have the restraint not to actually do it in real life and know better.

Another point to add to that, often the reason this just keeps looping and doesn't get resolved is because part of you is pushing back against it and labelling it as wrong. It just keeps happening and you keep going back there because part of you wants to bask in that idea and the other part is basically saying that you're a horrible person for doing so. If you can let the first one win (noting what I said above), then I think it will cease and resolve itself - there's nothing else to do with it but fully accept what you wanted to do, because it's in the past (but I think the part that wants you to fully accept it appreciates that).

I know this is partly because of deconditioning of my muscles. I am trying to reorient my brain to normal post work out soreness, last night was tough.

Again, there is some truth to that but our bodies adapt quite quickly. Unless you're increasing the intensity of the exercise constantly (either through distance, speed, weight etc.), delayed onset muscle soreness shouldn't last long. If someone doesn't go to the gym for a long time, they will likely be sore after the first session regardless of how heavy they lifted (because the body is getting used to the movement again). That only often lasts a week though, if they do the exact same routine the next week (it's obviously different if they keep increasing the weight, but even still I'd expect more muscle soreness the first week at a lighter weight than the second week at a heavier weight, because like I said it's very dependent on the movement pattern being foreign) they likely won't be sore at all, or if they are it will be far less. I appreciate there can be exceptions here (but that would only stretch out to 2-3 weeks in my opinion), but I think that's quite standard. The reason I'm saying this is because I don't want you to rule out the idea that prolonged muscle soreness (that goes against normal standards, as I said above) is TMS too - and not necessarily a reflection of deconditioned muscles. Unless you have genuine and significant muscle atrophy on tests (which is rare) you will more likely than not fall into the general category above. If it's not behaving like that, I'd be very suspicious of TMS

 

[Urbanjourney]

Is there anyone in your life you feel wronged by?
There are so many people who I feel have wronged me. Ive written each a unsent letter prior to today.
1st-The elderly man (church elder) who sexually abused me for 2 years. Recently I had a really disturbing and sad realization, The first time I was ever touched sexually was by an old man, my little 6 year old brain couldn't process that. When he got a girlfriend, I got really jealous and I felt abandoned. It's very confusing to feel that way about someone who abused you, but he handpicked me for sure. I was a friendly shiny little girl who had no boundaries, little supervision and parents that were too stressed-out making ends meet to pay attention. After I told my parents that it was happening, they got really angry and we never went to church again.
My child brain thought my parents were mad at me and felt punished because I liked going to church. Little Margo thought there was something wrong with her and shame moved in. We moved from Wisconsin and heading out east shortly after that. We never talked about it again until I asked them about it when I got older. Obviously, I feel wronged by my parents and have let that go, emotionally they were younger than I was.
More recently, I felt wronged by coworker. I left the job in April, but really struggling to let this one go. This person acted like my friend, would check on me to see how I was, as it was a very stressful environment. We hit it off, I thought she cared and was a friend, someone I could trust. We worked very closely together on a leadership team and then I learned that she was not a genuine person. She was talking poorly about me to anyone who would listen and told one of the vice presidents that I was out to get him fired. I was new. No one knew me very well, and the leadership team had worked together for a decade or more. I know she was intimidated by my knowledge and past leadership experience as she didn't feel qualified to hold the position she held. My recommendations for system changes were taken personally and eventually she conveniently left me off meeting invites or would tell me the wrong time. I felt helpless and worried that my reputation would suffer. I started to just focus on the department I supervised and tried not to let her get to me.
In my younger days I would have settled the issue with my fists, but I knew I couldn't...... ohhh but I wanted to so bad... an open-handed slap, just one. I didnt, but I realized that this person made me feel like I was in high school again (I hated high school). The unfair judgment and not knowing what else she was telling people really messed with my mind. I had panic attacks daily. She was a workplace bully. My confidence suffered. I after 2 years, left and got a new job.
I have been allowing her to live rent free in my head since April. I randomly catch myself thinking about her and what I would have done differently if I had the chance. Which I KNOW is useless and a waste of my brain power. I just don't understand why an adult woman would act like that. Women have a hard enough time without trying to take each other down. Ive never experienced that in my career before, Women always supported each other.
As I am writing this, I have a pit in my stomach. I don't think I recovered from high school. I didn't fit in, I was weird, nerdy and a band/orchestra/chorus kid. Home life was pretty much a roommate situation with my dad. I was feral. Noone could tell me what to do. Eventually, I started to use my hands to solve most problems which gave a reputation and kept me safe. I was in many dangerous situations that I probably shouldn't have survived, and some of those experiences left lasting scars.
I carried the shame of the sexual abuse and losing my community and the place I grew up, which was still all my fault. (for the record, It's not my fault)

I think I may have had my first TMS event junior year of high school. My knee started hurting, got swollen and hurt alot. I went to specialists and eventually had orthoscopic surgery. There was no cause for the pain... I continued to have knee issues over the years, then hips, then legs. I often wondered if I carry the pain in my knees and hips because of the sexual abuse I lived through.
It's definitely time to let the former coworker thing go, 7 months at the new job and my confidence is returning. I started to get the burning pain in my groin and hips when I was leaving the last job.
Clearly my beautiful brain was trying to protect me from some really old mean girl wounds and some newer ones too.
Overall, I have been doing pretty good, pain has been minimal, I'm moving everyday for at least 20 minutes. I am having significant muscle soreness, I know this is partly because of deconditioning of my muscles. I am trying to reorient my brain to normal post work out soreness, last night was tough. HOWEVER, I slept great which wouldn't have happened before SEP. I used to worry about not sleeping and my performance at work being effected but, I learned a trick here and it worked
wonders to settle the fear and anxiety I had about sleep. I'm just gonna keep going

Thanks for taking the time to read <3 I appreciate you.

Me saying thank you for sharing all of this just doesn't seem an appropriate enough statement but I'm just so in awe of your ability to unpack your past events on a public forum. It's truely courageous and ultimately will be what sets us all free.