Day 27.. UP and Down

So I'm struggling with todays journaling requesting 'Take a past event or strong emotions and journal about how it has caused minor, or major, flare-ups of TMS/PPD.'
I just can't think of when past emotions have caused MBS flares before; possibly because I am now for the first time starting to really feel emotions ( especially anxiety) and I have definitely never linked them to physical sensation before - perhaps shaking hands when nerves but that's it.
So instead I though I'd write a little update on where I'm at to get peoples views and thoughts, as this is as helpful to me as the journaling - of which I am finding the unsent letter the most helpful. So far I have sent one to my mum, my perfectionist habit and my habit of thinking my happiness is somehow related to my weight - lots of strong emotions discovered and a need to attempt real body positivity and not fake body positivity required.
So where am I now, after reading Alans book, doing the 21 day course, being on day 27 of the SEP and also dipping into Howard Schubiner free course on Coursera.
Well I am 110% convinced most of my symptoms are due to MBS - the tensions headaches that were making me google ways to commit suicide back in April, my globus sensation, my estuation tube dysfunction and probably my lower back pain and left thigh /hip pain - although that started as a structural issue ( torn cartilage I think that is now healed yet pain flare ups continue).
I'm more positive. I'm starting to believe I will get through this, I've stop putting a time frame on it, I'm enjoying the process and discovering I have emotions, I've started rediscovering my city and gone to a few new classes (for fun), yesterday was my best day in months and months no head pain !! I went to the pub at 5pm with a friend and watched England's women win the euros on Penalties - not normally a pub or football fan but had a blast. I've stopped with all the rules on how much I must save in my pension, how much sugar I'm allowed, calories counting, weighting myself and to some extent feeling so sorry for myself.
All amazingly positive right. But in the last few days I've also had one of my worse flares in weeks. Friday was rough, symptoms started around 2pm and grew and grew, I'm wondering if this was because I had a brain MRI that evening at 7pm. Although I am expecting and hoping it will show all is perfectly healthy (which in itself is a massive step forward as I actually wanted the last one to show a problem, so it could be fixed). See I had an appointment with an NHS Neurologist about a month ago - this was requested by my GP months ago when I was in the surgery crying in pain before I started on the MBS journey, by the time the appointment came around I was already convinced I had MBS but thought seeing the neurologist and being told I was healthy would just be more useful evidence, That is exactly what happened. He suggested a brain MRI anyway as he was at a loss of what was causing my pain! I was going to refuse but then I though it would be useful to have this in the evening, you see every other test I've had; Brain MRI, throat MRI, throats endoscopy, blood tests have all been in the morning when I am symptom free, and although I know my brain doesn't change its structure between 10am and 7pm I though an MRI when I have symptoms would be even more evidence. Boy did I have symptoms - lying in that tube Friday night my head was as bad as its every been, I felt like it might explode, I almost burst into tears, my back started to hurt, my ears started to crackle and when I got home the minor eczema on my eyelids was so sore the skin was bleeding!!!
My thoughts are my subconscious got the message YOU ARE NOT SAFE !! so I guess more proof especially as 2 days later I had an almost symptom free day. Today is about average symptom wise, I currently have odd sensations in my face / cheek bones and the globus sensation feels a bit like I'm being choked along with the sensation of a tight band around my head.
So why is it so up and down, I remember Nichole Sash saying in a podcast; recovery isn't a straight line, she said something like to climb a mountain you have to go round and round traversing it as you climb. I like this and it helps but I'm still really struggling to feel what's happening under the symptoms. That's where I'm still very stuck.
That was a long ramble possibly more for my benefit of seeing progress than anything else - that being said any thoughts or advise on my ramblings are as always very welcome.

 

Most of us don’t knuckle down and do the work until we reach the end of our rope.
You however have done an excellent job of understanding and proving to yourself what’s going on. My suggestion is to do Schubiner's free course start to finish and make the commitment to yourself that you are worth the time and effort. It will guide you to learn any skills you might need, and like to use.
Flairs are common, returns of old pains, new and imaginative symptoms sometimes occur and with every episode you will employ those skills. Look how quickly things are resolving right now. Proof you know what you are doing.