Day 26

When was the last time you talked with your parents? How did the conversation go?
This at times is a difficult question for me to answer. I have a lot of anger and sadness when I think about the relationship I have with my parents. They did the best the could with us. All three of us are very successful, but I can see that the pressure they put on us to succeed and some of the negativity they used to push us has taken its toll. My mother still is very critical of me although she really feel she is being helpful. I think there are other ways of approaching someone with a helpful suggestion. Another issue I have with my mother is that she treats all her children as though we are still 5. Maybe that is a trait of all mothers, but I have tried since college to get her to see me as an adult and speak to me in that way. She is much older now and I really try not to correct her regarding this or get angry. The problem for me is the anger part. It does not take much for her to trigger me. I still cannot figure out exactly where or why I have that trigger, but it is impossible for me to have a conversation with her without me feeling angry. She has mentioned that she really feels that she can't talk to me because of it. We still talk and meet every week, but I definitely don't feel close to her. I feel that we are both very different in terms of the way with think. I highly respect my mother, she is extremely successful, she is well liked in the community, she is a hard worker, and she is very intelligent. She always tries to give advice, regardless if someone wants it or not. She is caring and loving towards others.
I wish I could heal this wound that I have in my heart, but I am not able to identify what it is or where it is coming from.
Regarding my relationship with my father; I have a good relationship with my father now that he has stopped yelling at me and blaming me. He had a very turbulent childhood and had anger control problems. Most of my childhood I lived in fear of setting off my father's anger. Once I became strong and was able to voice my feelings to tell him to stop that behavior towards me, he did stop. Some damage cannot be reversed. I get triggered whenever I perceive that my husband is annoyed or angry towards me about something that really is not my fault. I shut down and try to run away the same way I did when I was a child. I am a little better with it, but I still have a lot of work to do. My husband thinks my response is exaggerated since he does not feel he is showing much anger. I am working on controlling the amount and length of when I get triggered by him. For now, I feel sadness for what my dad went through as a child and that he never addressed it as an adult. I know he has a lot of sadness and anger which has always manifested as anxiety and stress. He has done extremely well in terms of his family and work life considering all he has been through. I think many people in the world are very resilient. They don't let their past get in the way of their goals. He worked very hard to get out of his home situation. He left as soon as he was able to. I respect my dad and understand why he behaved the way he did towards us. He changed his behavior once he was made aware of it.

 

I can't remember ever really having a conversation with my mother.
It was always one-way. She talked, everyone else listened.

I asked a friend's mother about it and she said she never had a meaningful conversation with her son,
and he was a father of four.

You're lucky if you've been able to talk to your parents. Your father sounds like that wasn't easy.

Critical parents are not easy to talk to, either. Of those who pressure their kids to succeed.

My parents both worked and there wasn't much time for them to "talk" to us. Maybe that wasn't so good
because I've had repressed anger toward them most of my life. TMS helped me to forgive them.