and repress the rest
why not.. it's not conscious. Goes right to a symptom without your decision making process involved.
TMS is like Indian Poker. You can see everybody else's hand but your own. To be free of it you do NOT need to....
Virtually every one of your sentences is reinforcing you having symptoms and you are 'getting something'; first her attentions and later, freedom from having to deal with her. This is Not just secondary gain, but a deeper sicker symbiosis between 'love' and 'illness'. Go review the first two chapters of HBP with just those sentences you typed and you might as well have been one of the people Sarno was writing about. This is not to shame you or anything... hopefully you might get some perspective on how typical your situation is and then find a solution for your symptoms.
Oh yes, I know these stuff is creating my tms. And so much more. Thank you for telling it to me again- I need all the convincing I can as I battle with the thought that i have tons of TMS but also a stuctural part :/. I am afraid my huuuuge massive tms caused not only my diabeties but also a back injury.
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When I started to talkback to my mom after my bad relationship ( late twenties) I was very often mad at her and was completely done with repressing it. Once, on a roadtrip, where she was stuck in the car with me for eight hours I really exploded. It was the first time she was unable to supress me. Finally she changed strategy and said that fine, she is such a bad mom she should just kill herself. I remember that was completely ridiculous to the point I think it made me almost laugh. Since then she is alternating between « yes si am sooo terrible » or yelling at you so I know there is just no way for me to have a conversation on these things with her. I need to have these conversations in my head not with her, it’s useless. I later learned from my brother she had pulled the ‘ i will kill myself’ to him pretty often when he was 12-14 years old! I had no idea, poor kid.
At the end of this roadtrip conversation my mom actually told me she prefers to not have a close relationship with me, just like with distant friends. That hurt like hell of course and I stayed away and grew nice deep satisfying relationships elsewhere. Then two or three years later I got diabetes and some wall broke in her and she definitely look for a closer relationship with me, except when she gets defensive. This is the positive part I decideecto take. I mean I never heard my mom tell me she loved me before my diabetes- it’s not her type to say things like that- I think she really learned to do it sometimes now.
i think i realize with my head everything but where to start and what to do about it is confusing. I started journalism but it’s like without end...
I don’t expect someone to have the time to read a ‚resume’ of where my tms comes from. I today don’t see how I could have NOT gotten pain and auto immune diabeties with that cv. I am on a waiting list for professional therapy because it’s a bit too much, hard to not feel overwhelmed and not be afraid that it’s somehow ‚too much’ to repair.
I know all the danger signals in my head started very young. Probably in her uterus actually because I know she didn’t want really kids then, didn’t love my father ( she divorced him when I was one) and really did not want to have a girl and did think about abortion pretty often. She had a big depression after I was born so when I was about two months old she left me with my dad and grandmother and left for a sea trip. Our country then imposed martial law so her ship could not enter the port for a few weeks so she was gone longer than she planned. i was a very supressed quiet kid and was afraid of her because it was just impossible to guess if she was going to be mad or happy at you, it depended on her mood.
I remember at five years old she would criticize me for not being affectionate with her and stuff like that. I know very well I was not allowed to show anger or sadness because it made her feel bad. At five years old she met my stepfather and send me in a plane to my grandmother ( we were away from our country for a year) to have a romantic trip with him before coming back to our country. Three years later we fled our country and ended in Canada. My stepfathetcwas waiting for his papers so for a full year, I had my mom just for me and the places we lives are still linked to hapiness and safety to me. I think during that year ( I was 8 ) it was the only year I did not feel she regretted I was there and I was not a bullet for her.
my little half brother was born when I was eleven and I needed to take care of him alot as his father was usually in a deep depression my mom was working very long hours trying to make a living for the four of us.
During my teens I stopped being a calm perfect kid. I still had to take care of my brother alot and I was doing stupid things. I remember my mother had no idea what to do with me so she went to the therapist with me. After talking with me and then together, the therapist suggested to my mom that my ‚problems’ had something to do with her... we never returned there hahaha.
When i was 18 my mother took my stepndadcand little brother and moedcto the US where she got a good job. I stayed in my house in Canada with my cat. It’s ok, I already knee how to survive by myself, I was doing it since ever but still, I missed my little brother and I didn’t know anyone when I started university. It was a calm and sad partofvmyblife but at least I could be sad by myself.
By the way my real dad still exists but in another country. I would see him a few days every few years. He has depression and trouble with everything but he loves me. Everytime without change. The complete opposit of my mom ( capable, working trough emmigration, cold and unstale affectively). I remember all my life being so shoked by the loving true hug my dad would give me when I arrived that was such a contrast. But we both accepted we are on different continents and that talking to each other is always very hard emotionnaly. Today he has lost his dear wife to covid and is alone and depressed and apart from a phone call where he just cries he misses her I cannot do anything. I can resume my dad with these words: sadness- stable love- but too far.
At 20 I met a narcissic psychologically abusive guy who was my boyfriend for seven long years. The two last years we lived together because my mom and family came back to our house in Canada and it was horrible. At every step it was clear I was too much and that she preferred her life with my stepdad and their son. So I decided it was perhaps better to go live with that unstable boyfriend. He isolated me even further and played with my affective security all the time. I started anxiety attacks as well as sometimes hitting myself ( never hit me the abuse was purely psychological) to prevent me of hitting him. Talk about well trained repressed anger. How in the world can my brain feel safe? I still get this urge to hit myself if in a big argument with my present love but I do not do it anymore and have observed it as a ghost from the past. I can get mad at my husband today ( and probably do so more often as to catch up, poor guy!).
Happily, I was at least allowed by thiscex boyfriend to go to work and it’s trough my work I found some joy and self esteem. One day he wanted to hit my dog so I just took the dog and fled. I lived in my car for one winter and many nice people offered me food and shelter with my dog. I was 27 and ws finaly allowed to live and did not see my mom for a few months. I was surviving ( I started my buisness at 22 and still have it today and love my work) with 20$ a month to eat but I was very happy. I learned about that critical voice in my head, learned to dance and really started to live. Except for the back problems that started around my 20.
I think this back problem saved me from having children with this horrible guy, phew!! I tried to explain to me back a few times it’s ok now but it didn’t work.
At 31 I started diabetiestype 1 . Which I actually manage very well and it bothers me so much less then the back pain. But adds to the hypervigilence to make sure I don’t fall asleep when my sugar goes low and never wake up.
Today I am 41 and am very safe and happy with my current sweet-stable-secure- loving husband for the last nine years. I am truly happy and completly safe but I don’t even think my brain and body ever learned to relax and really feel safe? My life is perfect except the back pain that keeps restricting me more and more.
I am at the stage of discovering it’s pretty obvious I had no choice but to have Tms. I had stomach problems since I remember that got huge at 18. I lost 20kg in a month then amd could eat only boiled zuchnnis. Something I often ate when visiting my dad...i had tons of different symptoms and pains but somehow none has worried me for long but this back pain. I am told structurally there are stuff.
i know tons of it os TMS but when I tried to treat it as not structural it got so worse now I am truly scared of the pain.
Hopefully I will somehow work on all this by little chunks from different sides and will have some life left with less pain. Would be so great.
