Day 26 journal - Personality trait [RSI]

One trait of my personality is that I am lazy. I have this trait likely because I am depressed I guess? I'm not exactly sure. I find it one of the most disgusting traits to have really. Every once in awhile I can stay focused and actually work hard. In fact, when I have some kind of plan or structure I am really not that lazy. Back in college I loved learning and got great grades, and every job I've had I've had a lot of compliments.

I guess it would be more accurate to say that I am not a self-starter. I have some cool ideas that I never get started on, I am suuuper lazy when it comes to actually applying to jobs and stuff, part of that is I hardly think its worth it since I will get rejected anyway. I don't exercise nearly as much as I wish I did.

Part of this is likely because of drugs, I am a heavy drug user, and use something or other to get high nearly every day, usually multiple times a day. Whenever I get high I rarely ever improve myself the rest of that day, even after I have sobered up. It's like my brain just checks out until I sleep again. But even days where I am sober, I don't really do much for myself. Like I said, if its something like school or a job, I am A+ hard worker, but when its stuff like helping myself at home, I am just a lazy mofo.