Day 26 - it's bad, it's really bad

[Aaricia]

When I read today's educational activity about TMS recurrence I new the God send a message to me today.
It's a second time I'm dealing with tms and like the author of the reading, I feel like the first recovery was a piece of cake. It came to me so easy and opened my eyes. I just had to get and accept the knowledge.
Now when I have all the knowledge it should be easier, right? Why my body is not letting go this time. I know it's TMS! But on days like today I'm losing the hopes. The pain is just getting worse and worse, most of the day I'm spending doing any work, walking. My only activity today was lunch with a friend and I came home my back was hot and killing me. Why? I was sitting and having nice conversation the whole time but I felt like if I was lifting heavy weights for many hours. It doesn't make any sense that's why I know its TMS!!! I know this guy, I've met him once in my life before.

I'm under huge time pressure and that's why it is so hard this time. In June my second child will be born and I'm terrified how I'm going to take care of a newborn when I'm not even able to take care of my older one now, my husband need to help me a lot with her. I wanna recover so hard. I'm journaling, reading, seeing psychotherapist, doing everything I can to recover but the pain is just getting worse and worse. It's just doesn't make sense - that's why I know it's TMS. But still I don't understand why I'm going in the opposite direction with my symptoms.

No one is able to help me. My husband took me to every doctor, I did PT, chiropractor for several months, I'm doing acupuncture, nothing helps. I know that this pain is not real, it's just fear. That little girl inside is just scared of what is going on and she can't act differently except causing pain that will keep me home and safe. But I'm not scared, that's why I push myself to go out, do something.

Well, today I give up! I GIVE UP !!!! I'll just have a huge bowl of caramel ice cream and watch Grey's Anatomy, I don't care anymore...I give up. I'll hire someone to take care of the baby, or be drink all day long, or give him away. I DON"T CARE !!!
But tomorrow I'll fight again. I'll never stop, I can't live like this..but for now, I'm done.

 

[Andy Bayliss]

Hi Aaricia,

I appreciate your post very much. Your truth and pain shine out, and so does your courage! You're not asking for anything, just making a very clear expression of your experience.

You know this:

It doesn't make any sense that's why I know its TMS!!! I know this guy, I've met him once in my life before.

It's just doesn't make sense - that's why I know it's TMS.

I know that this pain is not real, it's just fear. That little girl inside is just scared of what is going on and she can't act differently except causing pain that will keep me home and safe.

I'm under huge time pressure and that's why it is so hard this time.

And I know all these things will work for you in time. Many have said this: TMS is not linear. We do what we do, and there is no exact 1+1=2. So I want you to know that there is nothing you're doing wrong about your situation.

Also, I relax when I read that you're giving up for the night. There may be some wisdom here for you. Good luck.

Andy B

 

[srton]

@Aaricia I'm so sorry youre feeling so badly. Youve been such a positive supportive force on this forum and it makes me feel sorry that you're suffering. Enjoy that ice cream and allow yourself the pity party if it helps. I had one the other day and i think it was pretty useful.
Take care of yourself and your feelings -- the rest will fall into place.
all my best,
srton

 

[Aaricia]

@Andy B,
You have no idea how your wisdom help and encourage me today.
I need those words so much.
I’ll keep the good work!

It’s my perfectionism, that is causing the frustration. I expect to have results when I work hard and consistently. That what I was doing my whole life. When I don’t see and outcome, I wanna give up. Maybe my tms is trying to teach me that it’s not how life works and the sooner I’ll accept that, the sooner I’ll recover.
And I know I’ll recover, it’ll come one day. Apparently I still need to understand more. And I will.

Please, keep up the great support! We need it so much Andy.

 

[Aaricia]

@srton, thanks for the nice words!

I’m feeling so much better today! And it’s a beautiful sunny day in Seattle today. Life is good.
Sending you warmth and love!

 

[Electric_Boutique]

youre so brave. I realized today in my journaling that one of the reasons I don't want kids is, of course, fear and fear of pain- fear of perfectionism, etc. So good for you! Youll be a caring and wonderful mother - that is for sure. Youll have compassion for -- PAIN! That is certain. I realized today right before my yoga class that for me, also, besides being a perfectionist and blocking my bad emotions- I block my good ones as well. YES ITS TRUE I will minimize my joy. (not constantly but....) I repress my joy, my happiness, my skills, my good thoughts my self-worth- The good stuff! So I guess my next question to myself is how to unblock my true joy and be able to feel it.