When I read today's educational activity about TMS recurrence I new the God send a message to me today. It's a second time I'm dealing with tms and like the author of the reading, I feel like the first recovery was a piece of cake. It came to me so easy and opened my eyes. I just had to get and accept the knowledge. Now when I have all the knowledge it should be easier, right? Why my body is not letting go this time. I know it's TMS! But on days like today I'm losing the hopes. The pain is just getting worse and worse, most of the day I'm spending doing any work, walking. My only activity today was lunch with a friend and I came home my back was hot and killing me. Why? I was sitting and having nice conversation the whole time but I felt like if I was lifting heavy weights for many hours. It doesn't make any sense that's why I know its TMS!!! I know this guy, I've met him once in my life before. I'm under huge time pressure and that's why it is so hard this time. In June my second child will be born and I'm terrified how I'm going to take care of a newborn when I'm not even able to take care of my older one now, my husband need to help me a lot with her. I wanna recover so hard. I'm journaling, reading, seeing psychotherapist, doing everything I can to recover but the pain is just getting worse and worse. It's just doesn't make sense - that's why I know it's TMS. But still I don't understand why I'm going in the opposite direction with my symptoms. No one is able to help me. My husband took me to every doctor, I did PT, chiropractor for several months, I'm doing acupuncture, nothing helps. I know that this pain is not real, it's just fear. That little girl inside is just scared of what is going on and she can't act differently except causing pain that will keep me home and safe. But I'm not scared, that's why I push myself to go out, do something. Well, today I give up! I GIVE UP !!!! I'll just have a huge bowl of caramel ice cream and watch Grey's Anatomy, I don't care anymore...I give up. I'll hire someone to take care of the baby, or be drink all day long, or give him away. I DON"T CARE !!! But tomorrow I'll fight again. I'll never stop, I can't live like this..but for now, I'm done.