Margot!!
Well known member
This topic was timely, I had a resurgence of hip pain and it woke me up at 2:30 am today. I know I have been moving more, so I feel like my brain is interpreting sore muscles as dangerous pain, and I understand why. I have been trying to talk to my brain, telling her this is normal muscle soreness, as I hobble around like a elderly grandma. I felt the fear rise as soon as I opened my eyes, "OH NO!! is the burning leg pain back???" I took some deep breaths and tried to stay calm. The tears came and I laid there in bed. It's terrifying to think I could have to go through that again. I continued on anyway, continuing with the self talk. On another forum I shared that previously I was very active, even after the Fibro Dx. then out of seemingly nowhere, the muscle soreness after working out became unbearable. I tried to remember what was goin on in my life at that time, lots of stress I'm sure. When I sat to try to figure it out, I realized that I was avoiding some emotional things around my dad and there is a part of me who feels responsible for his widow.
My dad was a child pretending to be a grown up, no idea how to adult, which put alot on me as a child. My father passed in March and I am trying to obtain his death certificate so I can secure my German citizenship. During this process, The holocaust survivor benefits people reached out to me about the spousal benefits. Several years ago, I completed the lengthy application for claims conference holocaust survivor benefits for my dad and as a result my dad received a monthly payment.
The Claims conference never had the right contact info for my dad or his wife, so they always reach out to me.... I realized that I was feeling responsible for helping his widow complete the paperwork and my body did not like that. It's interesting, feeling responsible for others has unique feeling, an empty anxiety. I experience it in my solar plexus, I need to be on the lookout for this feeling.
I have been avoiding getting the death cert and talking to his widow for a few days now and I knew I was. This morning, when I connected the dots, I started to say "you are not responsible" I am not responsible for my father's widow, I do not have to help her with that application if I don't want to. I feel guilty about that, purely because I feel bad for her. She took care of him even after she found out everything he told her was a lie. She says she loved my father, but he put her through a lot. It feels like she deserves that benefit, but I don't have to be the one to make that happen. I am not responsible. Once I figured this out and I said it out loud, the muscle soreness reduced and now it's at a normal level. However, the fear of the pain returning is a daily struggle. I have gotten so much back, I am terrified to lose it again.
Positives: Until today, my sleep has been excellent, and less sleep DID NOT impact my day; I am on point! I figured out why the hip pain returned and now know that feeling responsible for others is a trigger. My peloton arrives next week and I added movement breaks to my day, 10 minutes every hour I am sitting.
My dad was a child pretending to be a grown up, no idea how to adult, which put alot on me as a child. My father passed in March and I am trying to obtain his death certificate so I can secure my German citizenship. During this process, The holocaust survivor benefits people reached out to me about the spousal benefits. Several years ago, I completed the lengthy application for claims conference holocaust survivor benefits for my dad and as a result my dad received a monthly payment.
The Claims conference never had the right contact info for my dad or his wife, so they always reach out to me.... I realized that I was feeling responsible for helping his widow complete the paperwork and my body did not like that. It's interesting, feeling responsible for others has unique feeling, an empty anxiety. I experience it in my solar plexus, I need to be on the lookout for this feeling.
I have been avoiding getting the death cert and talking to his widow for a few days now and I knew I was. This morning, when I connected the dots, I started to say "you are not responsible" I am not responsible for my father's widow, I do not have to help her with that application if I don't want to. I feel guilty about that, purely because I feel bad for her. She took care of him even after she found out everything he told her was a lie. She says she loved my father, but he put her through a lot. It feels like she deserves that benefit, but I don't have to be the one to make that happen. I am not responsible. Once I figured this out and I said it out loud, the muscle soreness reduced and now it's at a normal level. However, the fear of the pain returning is a daily struggle. I have gotten so much back, I am terrified to lose it again.
Positives: Until today, my sleep has been excellent, and less sleep DID NOT impact my day; I am on point! I figured out why the hip pain returned and now know that feeling responsible for others is a trigger. My peloton arrives next week and I added movement breaks to my day, 10 minutes every hour I am sitting.