Day 23 Day 23

Do you think you are avoiding any part of this treatment? What emotions or past events do you think you may be repressing

Well I am mostly bedridden and housebound so I am going for physical therapy just so that I can at least b a little independent on my own. At the same time, after having gone through a year plus of Physiotherapy it is clear to me that it is no more than a band aid. So I am not sure if that can be called as an avoidance of the program. The exercises to help me feel a little better and also give strength to my hands so that I can open bottles, operate taps and doors.

As of now, I have been unable to connect any particular event to the current set of symptoms. I have not seen any pain increase or decrease because of a emotional or a stressful event in the daily life so far. At the same time, I tried not to track the pain closely. Instead of focusing on pain, I am trying to become adept at mindfulness.

I wonder if anyone can help me out in suggesting possible events that could have caused the pain. My life has been fairly straight forward at least at the surface .

I excel at academic in childhood partly due to the pressure from parents and the lack of money. I have journal about that multiple Times. I finally made my way to Silicon Valley and was a witness to the dot com bust., that made me very anxious but I never had any symptoms. I have journaled about that also. Then I got married and after a few years, I got sick with digestive issues followed by pain that was most probably TMS. It took me about 3 years to recover from that I nearly went bankrupt because of the divorce and inability to work. But I am not sure how I recover except with the passage of time the pain reduced and there was some alternative treatment that seem to help. It did not help of course this time

Finally I made my way back to corporate life. I really like working and was involved in some innovative Technologies. My weekend typically used to be talking to people and trying out new ideas separate from the employer that I was working with. In a way, I was working more then an average 40 year old but at the same time I never had any problems with it. I never tried for any relationship after my divorce and I'm quiet peaceful on my own.

My current symptoms started in January 2015. There was no precipitating emotional event before that. I had 3 rounds of viral fever every months before January 2015. On the emotional side, all I can think of is that there was some friction with the manager on a technical issues but it was nothing extraordinary. I have tried to look closely into that also

This is all I can think of until now. Perhaps someone can suggest directions to investigate through journalling based on these inputs

The current stressor is of course finances but now I am becoming fairly numb to that. Especially because I keep on telling myself through mindfulness at least let us deal with this present moment because I really cannot control anything now a days

This is a fairly long post and if you have that until this point, thank you for your patience