Margot!!
Peer Supporter
What part of this program do you find the most helpful? The education is priceless, learning about pain, TMS and current research on mindbody conditions have made the biggest difference. The tools I learned in SEP have given me the structure I was looking for, the "how to" and most importantly- think psychologically instead of physical. I have known for a while that the pain I lived with had to do with the trauma I have experienced over my lifetime. Dr. Van der Kolk taught me that in "the Body keeps the Score", but what he didn't teach was what to do about it. OK. So, the trauma is living in my body and is responsible for the pain.... then what. Nothing. It is great to have that knowledge, but if I can't do anything about it, the knowledge is useless. Ive realized the education is possibly the most important part of this program. This community gave me the tools and support I was looking for and needed to heal. I can say that I HAVE pain free days now.
I wanted to share a breakthrough I had this week. Recently, I have been triggered by some of the things my partner has been doing, things he will say or a face he makes. I was having a hard time with this because things between us have been great, better than ever. I was reviewing my lists the other day and I realized that I left out a very difficult and traumatic time in my life. A time in my life I call "the drinking days". My partner and I have been together for 13 years in January. Early in our relationship he had a problem with alcohol. He would drink to black out, drive drunk, would say awful things to me when he was under the influence. Unfortunately, My daughters' father was also an alcoholic. I knew this was a pattern for me, but failed to acknowledge or see this in my partner. Eventually he realized it was related to his own trauma, depression and anxiety. He would often get suicidal during the aftermath of a drinking binge. During this time, my daughter who was a teen, really struggled with her own anxiety and depression and the two of them together were very volatile. He reminded her of her father when he was under the influence. She triggered his issues with his brother.
There I was in the middle holding it all together, enabling, placating, people pleasing, putting my needs aside to take care of them. A pattern I had repeated in most relationships since childhood. I did what I needed to do during this time to survive, made the money, made sure things were paid and did what I could to manage the mental health challenges of my partner and daughter. Work was dysfunctional and toxic. I had no refuge from the stress, my nervous system was on high alert all the time. During that time, I avoided going home and would escape to my best friends house for respite. Back then, I couldn't talk to my partner about this stuff, he got defensive immediately. so I got into therapy again during this time. I did alot of parts work with my little girl and other parts that had experience with alcoholism. It allowed me to let go and reminded me that the only person I can control is ME. I changed how I responded to him and how I dealt with his behavior. When one person changes the way they respond, the other person has no choice but to respond differently as well. Thankfully, My partner got sober a few years ago, went to therapy and learned the root of his depression and anxiety. He has worked hard to be a better partner and human. I realized that the triggers I am experiencing now are because I have never unpacked that time of my life. Triggers show us what needs attention.
It was a Blindspot that I wasn't ready to look at. I have shame around falling into that pattern again and shame for putting my daughter through that again. I felt stupid for not seeing it. I have memories and experiences that he isn't even aware of because he was blacked out drunk and he has begun to come to terms with that. He has his own shame too.
I figured out this parallel between my parents as care givers and my partner as a care giver.
In order to heal from my childhood, I had to draw boundaries with my parents, which was really hard. My parents ignored every boundary until the only thing I could do was cut them out of my life. I realized that I had an unacknowledged fear that in order to heal, I would have to end the relationship with my partner. Very simple correlation. My INNER little girl is terrified of abandonment, and she loves how well he takes care of us now. Since he started to work on himself, he has become my biggest support. I haven't had alot of support in my life and my INNER little girl doesn't want to lose that but expects that she will because that's usually what happens. The dread of waiting for the other shoe to drop and fear of loss.
SO, I had to give my INNER little girl an update on the current state of our relationship. Realistically, I know that I don't have to end the relationship to heal, but that is something I feared. I wasn't aware.
I know I still have some anger and resentment from "the drinking days" that I need to unpack. My partner is aware and has signed on to take this journey with me and support me the best he can in regaining a life free of pain. This was a big release for me. After I finally got it out, I felt lighter, more relaxed, less muscle tension and little pain. I added the Drinking days to my list.
I wanted to share a breakthrough I had this week. Recently, I have been triggered by some of the things my partner has been doing, things he will say or a face he makes. I was having a hard time with this because things between us have been great, better than ever. I was reviewing my lists the other day and I realized that I left out a very difficult and traumatic time in my life. A time in my life I call "the drinking days". My partner and I have been together for 13 years in January. Early in our relationship he had a problem with alcohol. He would drink to black out, drive drunk, would say awful things to me when he was under the influence. Unfortunately, My daughters' father was also an alcoholic. I knew this was a pattern for me, but failed to acknowledge or see this in my partner. Eventually he realized it was related to his own trauma, depression and anxiety. He would often get suicidal during the aftermath of a drinking binge. During this time, my daughter who was a teen, really struggled with her own anxiety and depression and the two of them together were very volatile. He reminded her of her father when he was under the influence. She triggered his issues with his brother.
There I was in the middle holding it all together, enabling, placating, people pleasing, putting my needs aside to take care of them. A pattern I had repeated in most relationships since childhood. I did what I needed to do during this time to survive, made the money, made sure things were paid and did what I could to manage the mental health challenges of my partner and daughter. Work was dysfunctional and toxic. I had no refuge from the stress, my nervous system was on high alert all the time. During that time, I avoided going home and would escape to my best friends house for respite. Back then, I couldn't talk to my partner about this stuff, he got defensive immediately. so I got into therapy again during this time. I did alot of parts work with my little girl and other parts that had experience with alcoholism. It allowed me to let go and reminded me that the only person I can control is ME. I changed how I responded to him and how I dealt with his behavior. When one person changes the way they respond, the other person has no choice but to respond differently as well. Thankfully, My partner got sober a few years ago, went to therapy and learned the root of his depression and anxiety. He has worked hard to be a better partner and human. I realized that the triggers I am experiencing now are because I have never unpacked that time of my life. Triggers show us what needs attention.
It was a Blindspot that I wasn't ready to look at. I have shame around falling into that pattern again and shame for putting my daughter through that again. I felt stupid for not seeing it. I have memories and experiences that he isn't even aware of because he was blacked out drunk and he has begun to come to terms with that. He has his own shame too.
I figured out this parallel between my parents as care givers and my partner as a care giver.
In order to heal from my childhood, I had to draw boundaries with my parents, which was really hard. My parents ignored every boundary until the only thing I could do was cut them out of my life. I realized that I had an unacknowledged fear that in order to heal, I would have to end the relationship with my partner. Very simple correlation. My INNER little girl is terrified of abandonment, and she loves how well he takes care of us now. Since he started to work on himself, he has become my biggest support. I haven't had alot of support in my life and my INNER little girl doesn't want to lose that but expects that she will because that's usually what happens. The dread of waiting for the other shoe to drop and fear of loss.
SO, I had to give my INNER little girl an update on the current state of our relationship. Realistically, I know that I don't have to end the relationship to heal, but that is something I feared. I wasn't aware.
I know I still have some anger and resentment from "the drinking days" that I need to unpack. My partner is aware and has signed on to take this journey with me and support me the best he can in regaining a life free of pain. This was a big release for me. After I finally got it out, I felt lighter, more relaxed, less muscle tension and little pain. I added the Drinking days to my list.
