Day 20 Change your mind, change your life

So today I was asked in "questions to ponder" if I could change one thing in my life what would it be ? what steps would you take to make this change...WOW thats a question.
Immediately one thinks of GET RID OF PAIN & ANXIETY ...Happiness ... the usual things but on further pondering I would change my minds way of thinking and coping.I have had a bad bout of pain escalation over Christmas and now and its my minds messed up way of trying to help me. I come from a large Irish catholic family 8 of us siblings and all but 1 living withing a stones throw of each other. This Christmas my sibling have not been part of my life , the ones in Ireland anyway. My Mammy died 3 years ago and she was a big part of my and our lives and as things do , family just flared up around the funeral even the wake was upsetting....just to clarify In Ireland a wake is where we bring our loved one home and have a two day gathering to toast them on their way. Many would never put their loved on in a funeral home to be left on their own , we have an all night vigil so the dead are never alone and they go to the graveyard from their home...little bit of Irish custom. But usually a wake is sad but happy with stories of the departed being told by people who knew them at various times in their lives and my brother who is 22 years older then me left me in tears such was his jealousy of my mam and my friendship. And thus the tale began. But I digress my TMS is not comfortable with me talking about it . Anyway I wish I did not hold on to hurt and bottle things up and have such a tight control on my emotions my husband says" I feel things deeply" which is a lovely way of saying it. But a mind that is balanced and not contently having conversations with itself, judging and blaming you with a narrative from childhood is tough . So I would like PEACE in myself and my family and Contentment . How to get it is at the moment from my mouth to Gods ears "HELP" but seriously its finding you inside all the stuff of life and childhood , making friends with you, and listening to what you need and responding and growing to make you the best you can be I think that would have such a ripple effect on so many people in our lives that it would be a never ending Good pass it on...

 

The greatest pain inevitably comes back to family, doesn't it? My family had a hard time following the death of our youngest brother which was followed by our mother - and as a result there is estrangement now between the two sisters and our remaining brother, which makes me really sad. He's had problems all his life - brilliant, but probably autistic, but we were the two oldest, and I always tried to be his champion when he needed it. I already felt abandoned by the brother we tragically lost (to an undiagnosed heart condition). I always assumed we would grow old together. Our mother abandoned the rest of us by dying from, basically, depression - although at age 92 it's not such a tragedy. Still - the sudden isolation - abandonment by three family members in less than a year - was a shock. It's something that is hard to avoid in this life, by the survivors, anyway. The good news is that I recognized that I was experiencing the deep emotion of abandonment, and that acknowledgement allowed me to survive it.

 

Hi, Saoirse. I found your explanation of Irish funerals to be wonderful. That's how Polish funerals used to be in my family in Chicago. Home funerals, not funeral parlor.

I was estranged from my older brother for many years. We were total opposites in everything. After more than two years, I suggested we just put our grievances behind us and go on from there. He agreed and we became friends again... sort of. I've done some new thinking about my brother and believe I know why he was so mean to me when we were younger, and why he was an alcoholic and heavy smoker. He had his own TMS emotions but died repressing them.

Sounds like you and Jan have a lot in common, regarding family.

I am confident you soon will find peace and contentment. Pray for your brother to find the same.

 

Thank you so much Jan I know you get how I feel, its taken such a long time of trying to fix their problems with me which I still dont know what that is. I just wanted to fix it . I crave the love of my family it stems from childhood issues but I would love some advice. I am at the point now where I want to move on with the good things and people in my life my wonderful nephews being in that mix. I need to accept at this moment my siblings dont want me in their lives and dont want to either wont talk at all or with my brother its very difficult and terse if we bump into each other. I need to do this as I have not grieved over my mam as all this was happening and I just boxed her death away but inadvertently her death has brought up stuff from my treatment in childhood so its kinda a mess and its consumed my life for a few years and I am done.Any advice on how to accept the hurt but not feel the hurt of not being wanted and just how to move on in freedom and some peace would be gratefully appreciated.

 

I think its the most emotive and contentious thing siblings and the bonds that bind us , even when they are horrible, cruel or destructive we still go back to help, sort out or try to rescue the relationship which we would never do if they were not our blood.I do hope your still talking to your brother . I read a great book called Cains Legacy about sibling conflict its very interesting.

 

Accept the situation and forgive those that hurt you. And don't allow your mind to keep thinking about it. As long as we keep thinking the suffering grows bigger and bigger. We don't need all that suffering. Our mind will always try to focus our attention on something that hurts. We need to patiently train the mind. Easier said than done. I've been trying for years.