Day 2 Day 2

Reasons I believe it's TMS:

• In my early 20s I had severe back pain, I could sit on a couch, I could only sit in a low squat position or lay on the floor, I cried myself to sleep on a few occasions and there was a period where I could get up from a laying position.
  • Just reading the reviewing of Dr Sarno's book reduced the pain such that I could stand up and sit on the couch, (not without pain but with greatly reduced pain)
• I had mild manageable back pain for a long time afterwards, it wasn't a concern anymore
• In my late 20s I had many bouts of tonsillitis and took a lot of antibiotics to clear it up. It didn't occur to me at the time that it could be TMS.
• I fell of my bike and tore a ligament in my clavicle, once it healed I had the same pain the in the other shoulder, I had an MRI that showed a bursa
  • I could work out without a problem but the next day I'd have pain
  • I took up tennis classes but it got worth
  • I went surfing and had to take painkillers after surfing
• I read Dr Sarno's book on a long flight, when I landed I did the exercises in the book, which was to write down everything that upset me and poof, the pain was gone
  • Then I had bouts of tonsillitis again
• In my early 30s I felt great in my body and wanted to take up BJJ, and in my first Judo class I broke a few bones in my foot and tore a ligament, I had to have surgery
  • A few months after recovering I began to have chronic pain in that foot
    • It's particularly challenging to believe it's TMS as I've had surgery where metal was put in and then removed 9 weeks later
    • I had an x-ray a year later on the foot and there are no signs in the images that I had a surgery, the doctor said they can't tell, it looks like a normal foot
  • I found this forum and started this program, I got to about day 4 and stopped because the pain had gone, I started running, playing badminton and joined a basketball team at work.
• Recently (6 months ago), I tore an ACL in my knee playing basketball, the 12 week MRI shows it's still torn, I will pay for a 1 year MRI as well, and my foot pain has come back.

What makes me angry:

• That I'm not as athletic, or strong as I wish
  • My dad when I was young would brag to me about how he trained Kung Fu, and how one of his training trained with Bruce Lee, and how he was athletic and whatever, but I was overweight growing up. I wish my dad instead of bragging about himself would have taken me to something similar, but we came to the UK as refugees and I understand now as an adult that they did the best they could do with their situation.
    • A side note he'd often mention how London is terrible and where he grew up was better, which by extension means that his childhood was better and more worthy than mine, that would upset me he would effectively be insulting my childhood, but I liked my childhood and I like London and feel privileged to have grown up here and to live here now.
  • Eventually he did take me to capoeira and to swimming training where I lost a lot of weight, but I would say I felt like I could never live up to his stories or to him.
  • My older brother was skinny growing up, so doing things like pull ups, press ups, handstands came easier to him, he later joined me in doing capoeira and within a week surpassed me and that was commented by other which didn't help me self esteem, I felt like a loser physically. I felt like I had nothing to celebrate and that I was inferior.
• Dating
  • My older brother and cousin were well into their early 20s while I was 15/16, they had girlfriends in uni and now that they were young professionals they were lads about the town enjoying what London had to offer. They would talk about chat up lines and were into an online "pickup" community ect...
    • As a result of hearing all of this I believe I developed an understanding that I needed pick up lines and some special technique to talk to girls to make them like me, as a result I developed a lot of anxiety around girls, I felt like I wasn't good enough or had enough pick up lines to make them like me, and ultimately that being myself wasn't enough.
    • Looking back now as an Adult I can see that many girls were interested in me throughout college and uni, all I had to do was say hello, bur instead I robbed myself of developing social skills and friendships because of these beliefs.
    • I wish I wasn't introduced to any of this pickup culture at least until I had left uni.
    • Although I did eventually begin dating after uni and had three girlfriends in my 20s I lacked the ability to be vulnerable and affectionate, I was always guarded, kept people at an arms length away, always joked if someone wanted to open up to me be it my girlfriend or a friend, it wasn't until my 3rd girlfriend who came into my life like a water cannon, blasting her affection at me with no fear or hesitation that I saw another way of being and communicating.
      • During that relationship I experienced erectile dysfunction, I believe it was TMS again, instead of focusing on a pain or having tonsillitis, I was now preoccupied with ED, it was a way of keeping this extremely feminine, affectionate and loving person in my life at an arms length away.
  • I'm now newly married, my wife is wonderful, I feel blessed that I've found someone who I can open up to, I do feel worthy of her and I can be myself without trying.
    • But I feel cringe and regret about the past and I feel like I don't have cool stories to tell like my dad about his childhood, and maybe I feel lesser of a person because of that, like my life had less value.
• My Dad
  
  • He's a great dad, he'll pick me up from anywhere, he'll cook, these are the ways he shows his love, but he can be overbearing, he has a way of speaking where he says what will happen, it's like he's dictating my life.
    • He always has to be right, he always has to give his opinion, he always has to provide a solution to a problem, I cannot speak to him about anything, he doesn't listen, I feel like all I have is a chauffeur and a chef. That's not what I want from a farther, I want someone to talk to. He lacks self awareness completely. Lately in his 60s he's also now fallen for every conspiracy theory that exists.
    • I've only just gotten married and he's saying to have as many kids as possible as quickly as possible semi jokingly, it just makes me want to not see him, his character is unpleasant, if he was an old friend I would've quietly distanced myself from him, but he's my dad, I want to be there for him like he was for all my life.

What makes me sad:

• All of the things that make me angry make me feel sad

A commonality I can see is having a low self worth, feeling that I couldn't live up to my dad's stories of his childhood, and feeling that I need to somehow live up to it.