Day 2 Day 2

[gracehaon67]

Well, nothing of too much note has changed from Day1. I'm finding the meditating part a bit difficult. I always wonder what to think about. I usually put on some ambient track (I like Aphex Twin) and try to think about what is bothering me. It isn't always super obvious what comes up.

I can see I am having more and more faith in the TMS diagnoses. I am constantly writing down an evidence sheet of things that prove my pain is not structural (there are a lot).

I think I am the type of person to always worry. When I was a kid, I remember not being able to fall asleep, because my brain would think "there is a monster in the closet", so I'd get up, check, and go back to bed. My brain would repeat that thought, and I would get stuck in a loop of doing it over and over. Sometimes I would get even nastier thoughts like "if you do not do X, your parents will get sick and die" or something. I never understood why I did that. Growing up it subsided a lot (you can counter this thought by doing the opposite, thinking like if you DO do what your thought is telling you, then the really bad thing WILL happen) but I always wondered if this was some OCD type trait or something.

I rambled a lot, but I guess what I am trying to say is I am not surprised my subconscious would create pain for me, even if my pain did not seem as severe as a lot of the posts here (fortunately I was never fully disabled by my pain, it just annoyed and angered me a lot).

I dropped most my physio work, except some light finger training. I hope this is okay to still do.

I start my new engineering job at a very reputable tech company in a week, looking forward to that. I am confident even if the wrist pain persists, I can get through it just fine.

Also, I'm kind of just going sporadic with my thoughts here as my account is fairly anonymous, so its giving me confidence to open up a lot lol.

 

[Rabscuttle]

Welcome Grace! You’re in the right place. I hope the new job goes well!

 

[Adam Coloretti (coach)]

I can see I am having more and more faith in the TMS diagnoses. I am constantly writing down an evidence sheet of things that prove my pain is not structural (there are a lot).

Brilliant - that's huge and so important

I dropped most my physio work, except some light finger training. I hope this is okay to still do.

Great! And I imagine as your belief grows then that will naturally drop off/you won't feel the need to - so not an issue for now I don't think

 

[JanAtheCPA]

I always wondered if this was some OCD type trait or something

Actually, OCD behaviors of all kinds and many different intensities are extremely common amongst us TMSers. Having obsessive negative inner dialogues can be OCD in extreme cases, but it's also a fact that most if not all humans engage in a pretty continuous inner dialogue to a greater or lesser extent, most of it negative. It is often referred to as rumination.

In addition to rumination, I've recognized minor examples of other OCD behaviors in myself for much of my adult life. It wasn't until I started "doing the work" at age 60 (including the SEP) that I was surprised to uncover a memory of two periods of odd OCD behaviors that occurred when I was quite young, at age 6 and another at 9. Looking back, they were just another manifestation of my anxiety combined, I think, with trying to reclaim my parents' attention as the highly-desired first child until I got a bit neglected in the chaos when they went and had three more. I realized I was probably born with anxiety, which ironically is probably also the result of being the first kid.

In other words - the emotional exploration of doing the SEP helped me uncover and discover all kinds of connections between childhood and my TMS as an adult - in so many of its variations, from anxiety to OCD to all kinds of physical symptoms.

. I'm finding the meditating part a bit difficult. I always wonder what to think about. I... try to think about what is bothering me. It isn't always super obvious...

Okay, this is interesting, because thinking about what is bothering you is indeed part of this work - - but it is NOT the goal of meditation!

The best way to reveal what is bothering you is to pick up your pen and paper and just let any and all of your random thoughts flow out through the pen and onto the paper, completely disregarding spelling or grammar or logic or even readability. This is the exercise we refer to as journaling, although most experts recommend destroying what you write after you've finished, so it is definitely not the same as keeping a journal or a diary. I call it "writing sh*t down".

Getting back to meditation, the goal is the complete opposite of thinking. What you want in meditation is to completely empty your mind of the constant thinking and worrying and negative dialogue, and give your psyche a rest. You want complete silence in the brain. Which ain't easy!

Most of us regular folks (ie:, not lifelong yogis) can't manage this for more than a few seconds at a time, nor do most of us have the patience to sit and try it for more than a few minutes at a time, but that's okay. There are many free resources out there to provide guidance and teach how to gradually get better at it. Even longtime practitioners say they sometimes really struggle to keep the inner chatter from taking over, but even being able to meditate a few minutes here and there can be very beneficial to your equanimity in the long term.

 

[BloodMoon]

Getting back to meditation, the goal is the complete opposite of thinking. What you want in meditation is to completely empty your mind of the constant thinking and worrying and negative dialogue, and give your psyche a rest. You want complete silence in the brain. Which ain't easy!

Yes, and the way to start to do that, @gracehaon67, is to know that you are not your thoughts, you are actually separate from them, you are 'the watcher'/'the observer' of those thoughts... The thoughts appear and you watch them pass by like clouds in the sky or leaves floating by on a river, you don't hook into them or run with them or get involved with them. And then in time you find that the brain throws up fewer thoughts.

 

[Joulegirl]

Worrying is very common with TMSers. I heard once that "worry is the misuse of the imagination." It thought about it differently after that.

As for meditation, I used to go on Youtube and found guided 10 minute meditations. I'm trying things differently now and will be trying it for longer periods of time, but I started out on youtube and worked just fine!

 

[Volcano1963]

trying to reclaim my parents' attention as the highly-desired first child until I got a bit neglected in the chaos when they went and had three more. I realized I was probably born with anxiety, which ironically is probably also the result of being the first kid.

Wow, thanks for posting that! For me it rang true like a bell hit with a hammer. I’m finding a lot of value reading other’s posts and the replies. I’ve been “stuck” for almost 2 weeks and the reply to this post uncovers a new route to help me get unstuck. Thank you, thank you both.