Day 2

There’s so much about which to be angry, I had a hard time narrowing it down to three. Same for sadness. I tell myself I am blessed because it’s true, but it is also true that I have anxiety, depression and pain. Day 2 was insightful, especially where asked what activities I like (or liked), when did I last do them, how do they make me feel, why I don’t do them and setting dates to resume. Other than the pain some cause, the other “why” surprised me. It’s fear. Fear of being too far away from home/safety should anxiety or pain come visiting. I have always loved driving, a new adventure, trips, etc. but have all but given them up, first due to being a long-term caregiver, and now because of myriad TMS induced symptoms that discourage me from doing what I only dream about doing. Don’t get me wrong, I function quite well, pushing through most things quietly, without complaint. I walk, meditate, and do a lot of the work. It’s slow healing from the horrors of my husband’s death. My childhood abandonment issues came back big time! The SEP should help.

 

Hey @Mtnjac,

First of all, I'm sure you've heard a million different iterations of I'm sorry for your loss, but I wanted to let you know that I was a long-term caregiver for my brother with severe disabilities, and for me when he died, it was like no one really understood very well.

The grief was so, so complex and, and for me, compounded with guilt for feeling somewhat relieved because of not only his release, but mine, but also missing him, and really mourning the lost time. I don't know if it's the same for you, but I want you to know that all of your emotions are completely valid and worthy of your expression. Your brain is really trying it's best to protect you from some really hard, really painful emotions.

May I recommend Alan Gordon's "The Way Out" if you haven't read it yet? It really helped me turn a corner, and has cut my anxiety down by at least 50%.

I'm a fellow "chin up and do what needs doing without complaint" girl, so I know what you're going through right now. You are safe here. You'll see no judgement from me. You are already so strong.

You've got this and I am so excited to witness any and all progress you make. Many hugs to you.

 

Thank you for your understanding message which was so thoughtfully written.

As caregivers, we experience a range of complex emotions while doing the hardest jobs of our lives. While we are among the ranks of thousands, I cannot help but think how many are without the resources to help them cope and recover. I do feel your pain also and am so sorry for your brother’s passing. Most of all, I want you to know what an honorable job you did when no one else would or could. As did I, you tried your humanly best.

I am touched by your response, at the same time encouraged, to find a place of trust and hope. Thank you so much.

I do have Alan’s book, but read only a few pages and set it aside some months ago. I will dig it out and do it justice this time around as I am getting my second wind.

Now to tackle Day 3…